Still Doll

Kanon couldn’t understand what was going on. It went by in such a rush─the arguing, and the regret of it all just made her snap. She couldn’t do this to the very people she loved. She had to do what was right; staying in a place that she didn’t belong to, and would have eventually left anyway wasn’t the proper way to deal with things. She couldn’t keep taking advantage of Alexander like that; he was so kind and willing to help her, she obviously had to do the same.

She had to leave.

“…and she’s perfectly at home here─” Henry was saying.

“This is not her home, and this is not up for decision,” Aunt Cornelia said mercilessly, despite her nephews’ desperate and sad expressions, the woman was set on getting Kanon out of the mansion. Kanon didn’t blame her; it just felt unpleasant that someone could despise her that much.

“I taught you better than this,” the old woman said to Henry. After all, Kanon had heard that Henry was sent there to look up on her in the first place. He hadn’t even intended in becoming friends with her, and yet the doll had befriended him, and now he was sticking up for her; defying his own family member’s word.

“Where is she supposed to go, Aunt Cornelia?” Alexander said. “She has nowhere else to go to─no home─”

“I’ll take care of that; do not worry where she‘s going,” she said. “All you need to know is that she’ll have a home, and won’t be on the streets.” She arched her eyebrows coldly up her nephew; the old woman had an expression that resembled anything but friendly and understanding. There was nothing they could do to change her mind; she wanted Kanon out of the mansion, and Kanon didn’t understand why there was even a discussion about it. If their aunt said so, they should obey like the good nephews they wanted to be, but were afraid to actually let happen. Because it would mean losing Kanon? No, that couldn’t be it; she was a doll. Nothing more. She was stupid to believe anything like friendship could change that.

I am a doll; I am nothing; I do not matter…

“She’s made a home here, Aunt Cornelia─” Alexander began.

“There is no home for her next to my nephew, do you understand?” Cornelia said, gripping on the chair’s arm; that cold gaze directed intently at Alexander.

“I’ll take her to my mansion, how’s that?” Henry asked hopefully. Kanon could have almost laughed; he couldn’t honestly believe that could ever be possible. Still, the doll had no intention of laughing. This was certainly not the time.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Henry,” said Cornelia, waving a hand at him.

“Please, I’m begging you─”

“That’s enough!”

Alexander and Henry both stared at her, practically slapped into silence. They had finally made her patience run dry; the argument was useless to begin with. What good argument had they that could ever change her mind? None, of course. There was no reason for Kanon to stay. She had to leave.

She had to leave.

“I want her out by tomorrow morning, and that is that.” Aunt Cornelia straightened up, already on her way towards the door, to leave the subject behind and forgotten; there was nothing else anyone could do.

I have to leave.

“Please,” Alexander pleaded, hesitating for a small moment of deep breaths, before kneeling down and looking up at his aunt. “Don’t make her go. I don’t want her to go. She’s much more than just a house guest, Aunt Cornelia. She’s─” He stopped, and looked at Kanon. Kanon stared back at him, her eyes feeling hot and her heart throbbing. She wanted to cry; she knew that. But she should not cry. She shouldn’t make Alexander do this for her─she had to leave.

Before Alexander could even take a breath, Kanon stood up, and she said, her expression practical and cold, as she wanted it to be, “It’s fine.”

Alexander looked at her, startled, as Henry did the same. Aunt Cornelia simply stared at her with a weary and not at all pleasant expression. She was unfazed by Kanon’s sudden decision, but that was fine. There was no need to try to prove to her that she was worth taking pity on; she agreed. It was time to go.

“I’ve been wanting to talk to Alexander about this, but you’ve just made it easier,” said Kanon. “I will leave first thing in the morning; thank you.”

Cornelia stared at her skeptically for a short moment, probably not believing the story of the house guest─that had for some reason made her nephew jump into dirt to catch an animal─had already planning to leave in the first place. And that was fine too; it was not true. She had never, ever, not even once, planned to leave her loved ones behind. It had never occurred to her that it was a mistake. It didn’t matter now; it just made things easier for the old woman.

“I will get my things and leave, as you wish,” she finished, letting out a shuddering breath; there was an uncomfortable ache in her chest.

“Good.” Aunt Cornelia turned to leave, before saying, “I expect you gone by the time I come visit tomorrow to get Alexander for appearance at the factory.” With those doom-filled words, she closed the door and left behind an incredible silence that made Kanon frightened.

Kanon glanced at Alexander, still kneeled down on the floor, staring blankly at the door where the old woman had exited. He was still dirty from their earlier chase, and his hair, loose, hid half of his face. That was fine also; she didn’t want to see what kind of expression he wore at the moment. She neither wanted to know if he felt utterly disappointed or hurt─nor she wanted to know if it was relief that showed in expression instead. It frightened her more than the intense silence that surrounded them.

Kanon waited for a moment or two before clearing her throat quietly and hesitantly stepping forward to leave. Henry’s weak voice stopped her.

“What are you doing, Kanon?” he asked, breaking the silence and turning into an even more frightening moment; she was now supposed to explain to them what she meant. No; she was supposed to lie to them now. Tell them that she was planning on leaving eventually, and that the sooner she did, the better. But she was afraid she might show that pain in her chest that never left her and break down.

“Nothing,” Kanon told him, her voice barely above a whisper that it already was. She couldn’t quite look up at him, either.

“Kanon, you can’t leave,” Henry said, stepping towards her. “You can’t leave us; I won’t let you.”

“There’s nothing you can do,” Kanon said. “I’m leaving now; please, don’t try to do anything. It’s inevitable.”

“This isn’t inevitable!” he insisted. “This is my bitter aunt trying to get us to do something we don’t want to do.”

“Do not speak of your aunt that way, Henry,” Kanon scolded, but felt rather weak in her argument. She knew perfectly well that he was right. However, it made her story more believable if she made him think she agreed with her. If only it didn’t feel so awful doing so.

“She’s right,” she persisted. “It’s about time I get going, and so I shall.”

“Kanon─”

“Henry, stop already.”

This was a new voice. It didn’t even sound like anyone Kanon could recognize; it was a more icy and frightening voice than she had ever heard it before. Had her decision already done that much change? No, it shouldn’t have. It shouldn’t change him into something she knew was not the real him.

“Alexander─” Henry began, startled.

“I said, stop it already,” Alexander told him. “If she wants to leave, then let her do so.” He looked at Kanon before adding, “That is if she wants to. Is that what you want, Kanon? Leave us behind, forget this ever happened, and just move on with your life? Or do you want to stay with us, here, at home?”

Oh, god, Kanon thought, at the edge of breaking down right there and then. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to lie to him; stop, just stop…

“Yes,” she said.

Alexander looked just about to grab her and try to shake the real truth out of her, but he simply stood there, stuck with an expression that tore at Kanon’s heart. She didn’t want to look at him anymore, she hadn’t realized it would hurt this much to lie to them. In truth, she didn’t want to leave them; she never did, and never will.

I don’t want to. I have to, she told herself frankly.

“Now, if you excuse me, I think I’ll go to my room,” said Kanon, turning around and opened the door, quickly before she really did break down. That would let them know how much it hurt to say that to them, how much she wanted to throw herself in Alexander’s arms and beg for him to find a way for her to stay. But she wouldn’t. She could not do that; her departure was inevitable.

She had to leave.

It was time to go.