Still Doll

Kanon looked sadly at the walls of what used to be her room. Her eyes felt suddenly hot, and she blinked wetness from her eyes. How foolish to want to cry now of all times. She should have told the truth. Alexander would have found a way for her to stay. They could be together - Henry, Alexander, Asriel, and her. Together...

But that wouldn't be fair to them.

She couldn't make Alexander fight against his own aunt, his guardian, and, practically, the head of the family now. He probably felt betrayed and forgotten -if she was right about him caring about her, as a friend, of course- but if he was to forget their friendship, it's better if he has a reason anyway. He should hate her; despise her for using him, for pretending to care about them. At least, that's what he should believe. Just that.

Kanon's chest tightened and she turned before her heart betrayed her.

The walls and floors of the hallways she'd gone through so many times before had a sort of new polish to them. The faint lights that came through the small windows on the opposite walls shone on their patterns, making them look almost beautiful. Lots of things were beginning to look very, very beautiful now, Memories of the times Kanon walked down them swept through her mind, like distant images. It seemed like such a long time had passed when all she was worried about was finding Asriel. So many things have changed in such a short time. She only wished she'd been able to tell Alexander how she felt.

That's impossible now, she thought, running a hand on the wall as she walked silently. What's done is done. I should think about my future, not my past here.

However, that was just what she was afraid to do. Think about a future away from what she had hoped once to be her home.

From the corner of her eye, she noticed the maids, as usual, working to keep the mansion the splendor it was now. Kanon also noticed that most of them stopped at seeing her, and the looks on their faces were confusing. They had those expressions, Kanon thought, she saw people have when they've lost that small shred of hope. Were they saddened to see her go? She felt oddly guilty at the thought, and she tried to smile at them reassuringly -but not even the faintest of smiles touched her lips.

Kanon kept walking.

At some point, she found herself...back in Alexander's study. She used to wonder what things Alexander did in that room, if he ever just took a nap on his chair. Kanon dared to pick up a black, hard covered book from his desk and looked at it for a while -then opened it. The curiosity was pulling her, tugging at her to read. To look into Alexander's mind. But the calm and rational part of her objected to this strongly. One word caught her eye, though, before she put it back. Kanon's... She stared blankly at the book, feeling something building up inside of her. A feeling that made her heart pound and blood grow even warmer. It was insane.

She knew now, what that feeling was. Looking back at the time she and Alexander went back to William's mansion, and the time she and Alexander argued in the middle of the night because of Henry...

It was anger.

Kanon was angry, though not sure at what. There may have not been anything to be angry at -but she was. She was angry about...about being put in such a situation. Why did it have to turn out this way? Couldn't she have been able to resist Alexander's soft, bright eyes and gentle smile? It should have never happened. She would have been just fine back with William, as the perfect doll he wanted her to be. There wouldn't have been a freedom and feelings for her to worry about. No anger, frustration, sadness to experience, and change because of it. No happiness... It was all Alexander's fault. It was because of him that she felt those things. It was his fault she changed. Because of him she felt anger, like now, and sadness and love and-

A small and precise click broke through her deep thoughts.

Kanon spun around and saw the door's knob slowly turning. The moment it opened, someone was going to come in and see her there... In Alexander's study. If it was a servant, then she'd easily explain why she was there. But if it was Alexander... She didn't think she'd be able to stand it if it was him.

She had to hide, she had to hide, she had to hide-

"Master Alexander."

Kanon froze, terrified. It was him.

"Yes, what is it? Make it quick, I have work to do"-the door was opening slowly, adding to Kanon's terror-"and little time."

"Just a quick word, sir. Won't be long..." The maid's voice sounded fearful, almost as terrified as Kanon, though sounding a bit forced that way...

A pause, and Kanon held her breath, waiting for anything to happen. Just a second, she thought,just a second, just a second, and I'll-

"Very well, then."

The door closed once again. Finally, Kanon let out a long, shaky breath she'd forgotten she had been holding. She could get out now, before Alexander sees her, before he finishes talking to the maid. She quietly opened the door and peeked out to see if Alexander and the maid that had called for him were still there. As her eyes searched for a uniformed lady and a tall aristocrat, she realized she couldn't hear their voices.

They couldn't have left so fast already. Could they?

Disappearing acts or fast-as-lightning legs- either way, Kanon had a chance to get out and away before anyone spotted her. Breath held, she stepped out and silently closed the door behind her. If she could just walk fast enough, she might make it around the corner and not be spotted- but certainly, her shoes weren't as noiseless as she thought them to be.

The sound of her footsteps alarmed her; they were pretty loud. Or maybe it was just how nervous she was that made things seem more terrifying than they were. In any case, they surely attracted someone's attention.

"Kanon?"

Kanon froze, thinking, How? How, how, how? I didn't even see him-

"Kanon?" Alexander said from behind her, and he sounded closer.

She sighed, feeling utterly foolish and defeated. Why had it turned out this way?

Finally, she said, "Yes?" and turned around.

Even now, seeing him as a shock as always. The influence he still had over Kanon was incredible; the energy he carried around now- that was something new. There was a firm expression on his face, an expression that of a person set on something he wanted, not willing to get distracted from it. As if once he had been distracted from whatever had used to be his first priority, and then he learned what truly was important. Kanon thought that was her fault, but she decided to push the thought away.

It didn't concern her anymore.

"What were you do-?" Alexander began, but Kanon, impatient to end a conversation that had just begun, cut him off.

"Oh, I was only taking a final look of the mansion," Kanon said with a calmness she didn't feel.

"I see," Alexander said.

Kanon looked at the eyes that she expected to shine with an inner light, making the luminous color milky, and almost sweet. However, only seeing the dark and cold brown of the eyes of a human being with a practical and tragic mind, she felt a hot pain in her chest. She looked away.

I'm so sorry, she thought. Forgive me... Out loud, Kanon said, "Has Henry decided what he's going to do with Asriel?" Her voice sounded weak, at the verge of breaking. Like she couldn't handle the very sound of the words leaving her lips.

Kanon couldn't take Asriel with her, even though she was rightfully hers. Henry had given Asriel to her as a gift on an unexpected night. She had assured them -Henry and Alexander, that is- that she didn't mind, but now her words sounded alien, incredibly story-like. Of course she minded- Asriel was hers, she was a new part of her. If she didn't want her, she would have not looked all over an enormous mansion for her.

The thought brought memories unforgotten into her head, but Alexander was already speaking.

"Yes, actually," Alexander replied formally. "He's decided to give it to his sister. She does love new toys," he added. There was no teasing or sound of enjoyment in his voice, but Kanon couldn't help but think he was amused with the situation. That worrying about the secure state of a rabbit was anything but necessary.

It was ridiculous, though. Alexander would never think of it that way- would he? Ridiculous or not, though, Kanon found herself feeling a spark of the sudden anger she had felt before, and before she even knew she was doing it, she was turning and walking away, saying over her shoulders, "Well then." She'd expected it to end just like that. Only...Alexander wasn't stopping.

"In a hurry?" Alexander said, falling into step beside her.

Kanon looked sharply toward him, then forward again. "Not really-"

"How do you suppose Henry might be feeling right now?" he asked.

Kanon was startled, though she tried to make sure it didn't show. She stayed silent, keeping her pace precise, not hurried. No need to wonder what he meant...

"Oh, I'm just wondering. Do you think he's given up on you? Or do you think he still thinks of you, wondering what he did wrong that you decided to leave?"

Kanon looked at him warily. Yes, she was right after all. He was trying to get to her. Alexander, she was sure now, was trying to upset her. Test her? That, she wasn't sure of. However, there was no doubt in her mind that his topic was not to be taken lightly, or casually. This, she realized angrily, ended up upsetting her anyway.

I can't let him win.

"I don't know," Kanon answered simply.

Alexander nodded, pretending to understand. Was he intending on following her forever? "Do you at least wonder if he's ever wrapped his thoughts around the possibility that...this was all meant to be? That you don't belong here, that he should just...move on?"

Kanon gritted her teeth, regretting ever setting foot in his study. His questions were upsetting her greatly, just as he'd intended. His words were like painful blows to her chest; as if he was absolutely convinced that she had used them with no mercy. It was what Kanon wanted him to believe in the first place- but seeing how the truth had settled upon him and how it changed him...it was downright agonizing.

Kanon began to walk faster, almost running. "I'm sure he has," she said to him, her throat feeling strangely tight. She cleared her throat, hoping her voice would not break. If she let any emotion show, everything she did to make him forget her would be for nothing.

"He's a smart boy," Kanon continued, noticing Alexander's amused expression. "I'll be nothing but a forgotten memory soon..." Her voice turned into a whisper.

Alexander seemed to be arguing something within him. If he was thinking more about Kanon's responses, making suspicions, she was in trouble. He was certainly smarter than the whole house hold combined. Just a few suspicions would put her story in danger.

"I better get go-" Kanon began, taking advantage of Alexander's distracted state to leave him behind. She needed to end this conversation before it got a chance to evolve, and then Alexander would have a reason to suspect lies.

But before she even had a chance to finish her sentence, Alexander swiftly took a hold of her hand and held it tight. His grip was not painful, but it was firm; she couldn't even move. Even after all the times he had carried Kanon around in his arms, now was when she understood how strong he was. Stronger than her.

"Let go," Kanon ordered, panicking.

"I can't agree to that," he said. Though Kanon wasn't sure if he meant her words about Henry, or about letting her go.

So she said, "It doesn't matter what you agree to or don't."

"Oh, doesn't it?" Alexander smiled dashingly.

The smile was unnerving. "No," Kanon answered quickly, "it doesn't. It doesn't concern me what you think or don't think, either."

"Hmm?" Alexander said, getting closer.

"Yeah." Kanon stared, frozen in place. What is he doing to me? she thought wildly.

"That so."

His breath was warm against her face. That told her he was getting too close.

"Back away," Kanon told him, but her command was only a whisper.

"Why?" He seemed to have enjoyed her reaction.

"Because- just stop-"

Alexander's face was only inches away from hers. He was very close; at this proximity, it was difficult to look away from the eyes that were concentrating on something Kanon couldn't see. If only he would stop looking for it in her. His eyes burned- at least that was how it felt like to her.

At last, he said, "I can't agree with that, either," and then, she couldn't stop the warm lips that touched hers.