Still Doll

I think I'm falling... I can't feel my body... There's a warmth everywhere...

Yes, that was it. Falling─that's what it felt like. Only it wasn't so much as the falling down, but the confusion and the heart pounding feeling that she couldn't hold on to anything solid. There was only a soft fabric clutched in her hands─Alexander's shirt. But even that felt useless; the awareness of Alexander's lips on hers, and the warmth of his body against hers─it only made things more overwhelming.

Then, she remembered who she was, and that she was kissing the man that she was supposed to forget. Kanon's eyes flew open, though she hadn't realized she'd closed them. Other than that little cleared fact, all she knew was that the current that flowed from Alexander to her was incredibly strong─and that it had to stop. She had to stop this before it changed her any further, before she discovered anything that would change her forever. How? That was the question. There seemed no way to escape the chains that held her tied to him.

Somehow, some way, that Kanon was undoubtedly not aware existed before now, they separated. Her breath came out in ragged gasps. Breathless, she looked at Alexander, feeling the outrage take form into an expression on her face.

Alexander was smiling. It was a wonderful smile, something new and fragile. Like he'd just discovered a great, terrific secret which held the salvation of the human race. His eyes were not the cold, dark brown that had broken her heart to see. Instead, his eyes had gone back to their luminous, milky chocolate, an incredibly sweet color. They had even gone brighter; there were sparks of light within them, making Kanon see them almost golden brown. His front hair, tossed gracefully over his forehead as always, even seemed silkier. His skin looked like it was glowing from underneath.

It was so...beautiful. And it broke her heart to see that only that could change him─bring the impossible hope back into his heart. And only a kiss had done that. A kiss that should have never even happened.

Why? Kanon thought painfully. Why, why? Oh, no, no, no...

"Alexander─" Kanon choked out.

Then, he moved closer. For more, Kanon's mind told her quickly, and she pushed him away.

How dare he! she thought angrily. How dare he want more? How dare he want to kiss me─something that shouldn't have happened? How dare he...hope for something that I certainly want as well, but is impossible?

Alexander's expression showed shock and a shattering of something that she thought was...hope. But, instead of going back into the practical mind he had became before, he only got more persistent.

"Kanon, you lied to me," he accused.

Kanon stared. What are you talking about? her expression said. But what went through her mind was How? How did that simple kiss reveal it all?

"What are you─?"

"Don't feign ignorance, Kanon!" Alexander said, cutting her off. "You've lied, thinking you've been protecting us─when all you've been protecting is you."

Kanon stared, wide-eyed and speechless.

Alexander caught on to Kanon's expression; his behavior had shocked her greatly. Just the fact that he desired to touch her the way he had before left her an emotional wreck. Because it could never be, and he only fought harder to make that not true.

"You can't leave," Alexander continued, softer. "You're only leaving us behind, hurting us, because there will be an enormous gap where all there was was you." His eyes were unnaturally shiny─as if wet─and Kanon swallowed. "Stay with us. Stay. Stay here with..." He took her hand and held it tight on his chest. "...with me."

Kanon could not speak, could not move or even blink, the wetness in her eyes welling up and falling down her cheeks. She was afraid, oh, so very afraid. Her heart was pounding painfully against her chest; there was a trembling that was slowly spreading throughout her body. His words echoed and echoed in her head. Stay with us. Stay here with me. Such an impossibility; so tempting, so vivid in her head...but still impossible.

And he was only making it worse. Now the pain would be doubled by more lies and more rejection. The more he held on to that impossible hope, the more painful and more agonizing the end result was going to be for the both of them. Because it was going to be just that─the end. Nothing could be done.

"Do you at least wonder if he's ever wrapped his thoughts around the possibility that...this was all meant to be? That you don't belong here...?" Alexander's voice said in her mind.

The thing was, she had. Henry or Alexander might have overlooked that, thinking a proper behavior and pretty face was all she needed to belong. But she knew better. Kanon had thought about this more than once, and there came only one conclusion, looking back at everything that's happened.

"I can't," Kanon whispered, and took her hand back.

Alexander's expression turned pained. "Kan─"

"I can't," she repeated. "I just...can't. Just stop this nonsense!" Her voice turned into a yell. It sounded more like the tortured cry of an injured miss, which she had no doubt was what she practically was.

Alexander stared incredulously at Kanon, as if still searching for that something she could not see. She wished he would stop. It would not get any easier for any of them if he kept this on.

"You don't wish not even...a little to try?" Alexander asked; his voice was almost a whisper.

"I don't," Kanon told him quietly.

"So, that kiss─it lied, then? Your feelings do not match mine at all?"

Kanon swallowed. "No."

It had the opposite effect she wanted. Instead of hating her more for making him suffer, Alexander took two steps toward her and wrapped his warm arms around her, holding her against him. Kanon, panicking, squirmed, but he only tightened his grip on her.

Alexander pulled back a little and said, "Why must you lie to me?"

Kanon began to argue, but for the second time on that day, he pressed his lips against hers to stop her, kissing her. Kanon's head spun.

However, it was not the same this time. This time, Kanon was quick to pull away and stop the embrace before her will was weakened any longer. She was almost sure that was his intention, and the little spark of sudden anger was back.

"Kanon─"

Kanon gritted her teeth, and did something she knew she would regret later when the anger wasn't as blinding. Her hand struck purposefully Alexander's cheek, making him gasp and stagger back. He held his hand to the side of his face that would soon be swollen.

Angry tears sprang to Kanon's eyes as she yelled, "I hate you!" and ran too fast for Alexander to follow with his injured appearance.

Kanon ran and kept running. She could only run; there was no point in looking back or stopping to think. She did not desire to think of what she'd done, or let her thoughts linger for long on the outcome of her actions. She only needed to run, and that thought made her legs go faster. With no need to look back, no desire to stop, and the horrible ache in her chest persistent, begging for her attention, Kanon ran....

Kanon spent half an hour running in no specific direction, then almost an hour had gone by without her knowing, and she was drained, tired to the point that she could drop down to her knees and sleep. But she kept walking. She wasn't sure if her legs had sent her wandering around the whole mansion already, however, the tiredness did not stop her, only slowed her down.

There was no need to look back anymore.

The dazed doll with no desire to stop moving was abruptly stopped when she ran into someone. Kanon halt to a stop, immediately looking up, the first thought coming with a shock into her head, Alexander─no─he's─

But it was not him. It was a maid, and by the expression that showed on her pleasant face, Kanon thought she might have been looking for her.

"Oh!" the maid said, and did a quick curtsy before her. "Lady Kanon."

"Uh, yes?" Kanon said, still having trouble putting her mind into focus. How long was I asleep? she thought. Wait, but I wasn't asleep... What─wait, where was I going...?

"Lady Kanon," the maid said, "I was looking for you." Kanon nodded slowly, her first thoughts confirmed, and waiting for the rest. "They're waiting for y─"

"Oh." Kanon gasped, covering her lips lightly with her hand.

She had forgotten─that there was a carriage waiting for a certain doll scheduled to leave the mansion that day.