Still Doll

The two servants, whose hair looked oddly identical in color─gold─ heaved the suitcases up unison and carefully adjusted it on top of the carriage. A small droplet of sweat trickled down one of the boys' forehead. The other noticed this, and sighed fondly. To Kanon's surprise and embarrassment, he wiped it away gently with the back of his hand. The boy's cheeks flushed slightly and he laughed nervously, scratching the back of his head.

She heard him say, “Thanks, brother.”

“You're welcome,” said his brother, bending to pick up the last suitcase. They both picked it up together and started adjusting it on top of the carriage.

Kanon watched silently, her sad brown eyes focusing on their content expressions. How was it that two of the most poor people that she knew of seemed so content with their lives, their jobs─or rather, with each other? Was that the reason? As long as they were together, they had nothing to worry about? She wished she knew how that felt like. She almost did at some point, but now it was done. She would leave and forget about all of this as if it had never happened. Even if it seemed such an impossibility that it made her head spin.

One of the boys noticed Kanon's steady gaze directed at them and looked shyly at her, a questioning look in his own brown eyes. Kanon only stared back, tilting her head slightly as if she were looking at something strange through the bars of a cage.

“I─is something the matter, Lady Kanon?” the servant asked hesitantly, diverting his eyes from hers.

Kanon blinked and set a hand to her forehead, just coming back to the world. She blinked several times before realizing she had just been staring dumbly at the servant. What he must think of her! She shook her head mutely, flustered enough not to speak. The boy could only nod in response and continued loading her things on the carriage that would take her away from the place she thought of as home.

As they did so, she began to think again. She thought of what she had done to poor Alexander, whom had been so kind and admirable towards her. She couldn't contain herself; her heart had been beating so hard inside of her chest, and her hand moved on its own towards his soft skin, striking purposefully the side of his face. She wondered, then, what he thought of her for doing such a thing before running away like some sort of coward, which was most likely what she was. Did he think she was a selfish savage? Perhaps that strike had finally made things clear about her feelings. The feelings that she wanted them to think she had that is.

They should hate me, Kanon thought, and for a moment, her chest ached with such intensity she thought she would faint.

“Lady Kanon,” a soft voice said beside her. She turned her head and saw the maid that had been sent to get her, the lovely maid with the soothing voice. An image of a youthful, lovely, cheerful girl flickered inside her mind for a second. She blinked once, and it was gone.

“Lady Kanon, your things are ready,” the maid told her, gesturing towards the carriage. “It's time.”

Kanon looked once at the carriage before her eyes began to water, and she quickly turned away, turning towards the mansion. She looked at its beautiful walls, and windows, and thought of all the scary and wonderful memories she made inside. She thought of the maids' endless chatter and polite smiles, the polished tables and silverware, the glorious sunlight shining through her window in the mornings, the smell of dust in the study where she would read. She thought of Asriel, of the fluffy little critter that had been brought to her in the night; her adorable ears and nose. For someone who had only spent a few days with that rabbit, she loved her very much.

She thought of Henry. His devious charms and spoiled personality. His intelligence and vulnerable heart. She didn't want any memories of him once she was away, any memories of this place would hurt immensely. But she couldn't forget. She would not forget any of them. Especially that man, that kind and honorable man, who had sent butterflies into her stomach, and taught her the wonders of having a free human heart. That man who had found her that night and swiped the pain away from her heart with his gentle hand. That man that had begged her to stay, but whom she refused.

Alexander, the man she had grown to love more than anyone that she could ever remember.

A pair of clear drops of water rolled down Kanon's cheeks and onto her chin. More tears welled up in her eyes, blurring her vision. She stared at the mansion intensely, praying like she never had before. Praying that she could run into his arms and tell him the truth, that she wanted to stay there forever, that her bones would ache without the presence of her new family.

“Lady Kanon?”

The voice made her jump terribly, and she turned around to see the servants' faces staring at her with concern. Tears had streaked her face and trickled down to her dress collar. She wiped at them with her gloved hand, hiccuping pathetically in front of all of them. That was not the way of a proper lady, she knew, but what did she care when her heart was falling apart? Why should she care at all if she looked like the graceful companion of a wealthy aristocrat or a mere pauper when everything she cared about was being mercilessly ripped away from her grasp? It just wasn't... It wasn't at all...

“It isn't fair!” Kanon blurted, sobbing her heart out, her gloved hands covering her face in despair. She tried with all her might to push the tears and the pain back inside, but it poured out from her like a river, its current inevitably strong. She could not stop.

“Lady Kanon...” One of the maids reached out to her in comfort, her own pitying eyes welling up with tears.

Kanon blindly smacked the maid's hands away and ran quickly to the carriage, hiding inside, knowing she would not be able to stop crying for a while. She threw herself on the cushions inside the carriage and sobbed into the fabric, her body shaking with each cry. She wanted to disappear. Such pain would have never taken its place inside of her if she hadn't taken Alexander's hand that day, when he asked her to escape with him. The right choice would have been staying behind where she belonged, with William and the hateful maids. That was her real home.

“A-Alexander...” she cried, not hearing as the saddened servant closed the carriage door. “Don't let the bad men take me away...” she whispered, clutching the soft fabric with her hands tightly. “Take...Kanon with you...”

As the horseman's whip made contact with the horse, who began pounding on the floor audibly, and the carriage began to move, leaving behind the mansion that would have been her home, Kanon whispered, “Kanon wants to stay.”

I want to stay.

Alexander sat slumped in his study, his palm pressed against his reddened cheek. It still stung from the impact earlier, even through the hours. His eyes looked mad and reddened with what could have either been madness or tears. It could be both. He sighed a long lonely sigh and sat back, staring blankly at the wooden door to the room. He thought, Maybe she didn't leave. She's probably outside trying to sneak the little rabbit through a crack to surprise me. She'd do that. She's so sweet that way...
He shook his head furiously and straightened up, pushing his chair back with an audible screech. He looked hard at the papers on his desk, wondering how useful papers would be without writing utensils. Absolutely and utterly useless! A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, and he composed himself, clearing his throat. He tested the strength of his voice.

“Yes?” he said hesitantly.

“Master,” a maid from the other side of the door. “May I come in?”

“Oh─yes, yes,” said Alexander, shuffling the papers dumbly. “Please come in.”

The door opened slowly, emitting an eerie creak. The maid stepped inside and closed the door behind her, everything done so quietly and slowly. Alexander looked at her curiously, weighing the expression on her face in his mind. Does she always look so gloomy? he thought. She stepped forward with her hands behind her back and curtsied before him, looking down at the floor all the while.
“Yes?” Alexander prompted, growing uneasy. “What is it?”

“Lady Kanon is gone,” she said softly.

“Gone?” he repeated. The word seemed to echo desolately in the room.
“Yes,” said the maid, “she has been sent away just a few minutes ago. She is...gone.”

Alexander stared at her blankly, keeping his expression calm and indifferent. “Alright. Is there anything else?”

The maid looked at him as if he were speaking another language. Her eyebrows furrowed. “Yes, that is all. Mistress Cornelia wanted me to inform you that the...deed had been done.”

Alexander's own eyebrows raised up at this. The deed? Did his aunt really refer to it as “the deed”? Honestly, how more bitter could that old woman get. He tried very hard not to grind his teeth in plain annoyance and nodded briefly. “Alright. If that's all, you can go now.” He turned slightly away, keeping his features at monotonous as that of a statue's.

“Uh...Master Alexander?” the maid asked hesitantly, raising up her hand slightly.

“Yes? Is there something else?”

“Well...”

“Yes, what is it?” he prompted impatiently, his eyes growing hard.

“I thought you'd be─I mean, with all due respect, Master Alexander, I thought...” She struggled with words. “I thought─”

“What did you think already?”

“I thought that you would at least be saddened by the news,” she blurted, cheeks flushed with frustration. She looked down in embarrassment. “I thought it'd mean something to you that...she's gone.” She added quickly, “Master.”

Alexander stared hard at her, fighting hard to maintain his calm composure. His normally light chocolate eyes turned a dark brown, and his jaw locked tight as he fought the urge to scold her severely. He wanted to tell her to not be so nosy, to stop trying to see past his calm façade. But he did not. Instead he said, “Why would it mean something?”

This time she was the one to stare hard at him, looking rather annoyed at his words. “Again, with all due respect, this is Lady Kanon we are speaking about, Master. She was...like part of the family. I know at least you enjoyed her company as much as she enjoyed yours.” Her eyes saddened. “Perhaps not as much.”

He blinked at her, trying to seem annoyed himself. “What do you mean by that?” he demanded.

“Well, sir,” she answered, “when she left, she was...crying.”

“Crying?”

“Yes, sir, she was crying, quite hysterically so.”

“Kanon was crying?” Alexander's eyelids fluttered foolishly as he tried to comprehend this. Just a couple of hours ago she was striking the side of his face. But she cried when she left... Tears had escaped her beautiful sweet eyes. He didn't want to believe it.

“Yes, crying,” she said impatiently. “She looked heartbroken to have to leave the mansion. Poor thing...”

If it was any other occasion, he knew that she would be scolded heavily for butting into this matter as she did. He would do it himself just that moment. But he didn't. Because of her he knew now the truth, even if Kanon had not uttered the words herself. He knew what she had truly been saying when she told him she had planned to leave all along. Even if he had not been there to see the tears rolling down her delicately flushed cheeks, he was sure what she wanted to say to him throughout the whole thing.

“I want to stay.”

“She wanted to stay...here with us...” Alexander said slowly, staring with wide eyes at nowhere in particular. He understood the words perfectly, if only his body would do the same.

“Yes,” the maid added, “I suppose so.”

He looked up at her, the once dark hopeless brown in his eyes replaced by the light brown that people would usually see. The hope that had been plucked out from his heart after that hit was once again placed inside of him. He had hope. And he knew now what to do.

“I have to go.”

“Yes─wait, what? Master─”

She did not get to finish her sentence, as Alexander was already opening the door with precision and walking out. The maid called after him, questioning loudly where he was planning on going, even though it should have been quite evident where it was: to Kanon.

Then, it only took five more steps to stop him.

“Alexander, dear,” the familiar elderly voice beckoned him. “Where are you going in such a rush?”

Alexander stood, as stiff as a statue, his eyebrow twitching in annoyance. He turned slowly towards his aunt to face her. He tried to keep his face calm and composed as one should do in these kind of situations. He didn't even dare imagine what she would say if she knew he was rushing to get Kanon back. I don't have to imagine, he decided. She doesn't have to know.

“Well?” Aunt Cornelia prompted, arching an elegant, intimidating eyebrow. “Where is it that you have to leave so urgently without a word of goodbye?”

“Nowhere,” Alexander replied quickly, ignoring the expression on his aunt's face. “I simply needed to go for a walk─for some fresh air, if you will. The same faces in this house are growing tedious.” He did not meet the maid's face as he said this, hoping she got the message to play along with his story, to not say a word about Kanon. Knowing his aunt, he knew she would never allow him to run to Kanon after she herself kicked her out of the mansion.

“Tedious, you say?” Aunt Cornelia stared carefully at him, not quite seeming to believe his story. The woman was as cunning as she was bitter. A dangerous combination. He hoped he would get out of this alive.

“Yes, yes,” he said, waving his hand around. “It's all the same. If you don't mind, auntie, may I please have your consent to go visit a few friends? Perhaps relax for a few until I have to get back to my...usual duties.” He kept his voice cool while he spoke, meeting Cornelia's eyes boldly. He gazed at her as to make it impossible to say no to such a logical request.

“Of course,” his aunt answered, not batting an eyelash herself as she looked at him. “Since that is all you're planning to do, I suppose I cannot say no, can I...?” She glanced pointedly at the maid, catching the look of confusion on her face. The maid seemed to shrink under the glance and looked down at her feet.

“Of course,” Alexander said, smiling dashingly. He stepped towards his aunt and took her hands in his, gently holding them together between his own. “Thank you. I will be back before dinner.” He pecked her cheek, almost lovingly, and began to walk towards his original direction. He was determined to disappear from her sight until her voice stopped her once again.

“Alexander.”

He turned slightly to her, and said, “Yes?”

“Do not forget your duties,” she told him, her voice casting a heavy atmosphere. He was about to tell her he wouldn't, but she continued, “Let's both be home before dinner, yes?”

Alexander stood there very still, almost frightened by her words. He'd heard her aunt like this plenty of times before, especially when he was a young boy. She would scare the will out of him with her steely gaze and eerily cold voice. It was truly powerful that gift she had, to be able to make anyone obey with just that. However, this time it was different, so much scarier. He was very much tempted to turn around to see the true meaning behind her words in her eyes, but fear held him still. He walked away instead, without replying.

He could still feel the incredible force of her gaze even as he disappeared from her sight.