These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Dear Diary,
Why do I bother getting up in the morning?
Why do I bother going to school each day?
I’m just a useless fucking emo mute who fails at life.
No one will miss me…
I’ll do it soon.
Is it strange that the only thing I’m looking forwards to, in my life, is my death?
Damn it, Lillian’s calling. I’ve gotta go.
Soon I will be gone forever…

I silently packed my pen and diary in a place far from prying eyes, my bag. I carry all my diaries in my bag because I carry my bag everywhere so I can keep an eye on my diaries. I then swung my messenger bag up over my shoulder and flicked my hood up over my head, concealing my whole face. I trotted out of my room and down the stairs and stood before Lillian.
“You fuckin’ useless fuckin’ slut! Get the fuck outta my sight!” Lillian, my mother, slurred, swaying slightly as she leant on the wall for support.
Then she pushed off the wall at me and waved her bottle of Jack Daniels dangerously at my head. I simply stepped back and she stumbled and fell on her knees on the floor. I had just turned when I felt something hit my messenger bag and bounce off and a shattering sounded as shards flew everywhere. My mother had thrown her bottle of Jack Daniels at me. I sighed and walked out the door.
Soon…it will be all over, the pain, suffering and my life…

As I walked to school I looked down at the ground and dreamed of what I imagined the perfect life would be. Of course I didn’t watch where I was going and knocked straight into someone. I fell back towards the ground, my hood coming off my head in the process. My head thumped painfully against the concrete and my long blonde hair spilled out over my face, covering it. I sighed lay and lay back on the ground, I looked up at the sky through strands of my hair. It was a beautiful day today; I only wish that my life could be like that.
“Oh! I’m so sorry! Are you okay? Do you need any help?” a male voice asked, presumably the guy I’d walked into. Help…did I need help? Yes I did. Was I going to get the help I needed? No, ‘cause I’m nothing but a stupid fuck up. I stood up by myself and I saw a skinny guy with glasses and blonde-ish, brown-ish hair looking at me anxiously.
“I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” He asked anxiously, repeating himself. I nodded and forced my mouth to form a smile. I turned around and did a quick head bang to bring all my hair away from face. I quickly twisted it back and tucked it into my hood, then flicked the hood up over my face. I turned back around; now that my face was covered I could face the guy.
“Are you going to the school…um…down there?” he asked, gesturing with his hand in a vague direction towards my school. I nodded.
“Can…oh God, this is embarrassing, can you show me the way?” he asked. I nodded again and started walking to school.

“So, what grade are you in?” he asked. I remained silent. I was a mute. I did not speak.
“What’s your name?” he tried again. I remained silent.
“Not much of a talker are you?” he said. I suppose you could put it that way. I shook my head in agreement to what he said.
“Hmm…that’s okay. I’m Michael Way, but call me Mikey. I’m 15, which means I’m in grade 10. I just moved from a different school, which is why I don’t know the way. My brother, Gerard, just graduated from this school so that’s why my parents moved me. But despite just graduating Gerard still goes to school, well, kinda. He just sits in the art room and draws. He loves art and he likes music. And he sings too. And really well, but he doesn’t think so. I prefer music. I play all kinds of instruments. Well…try to. And just out of curiosity, why don’t you talk much?” he finished his ramble. I sighed and pulled a pen out of my bag and wrote on my palm,
I’m a mute.
“Oh…how?” he asked.
None of your business.
“Sorry,” he said. I nodded to accept his apology.

The rest of the walk was silent until Damien’s car drove by, then stopped.
“Whoa-ho! Lookie here guys! Looks like our day starts early! I love beating the shit out of two emo fags to start my day!” Damien called out.
A bunch of hooting ensued and Mikey and I froze. I looked at him curiously. These guys went to my school, how did he know them? A group of guys, Landyn, Kris, Kyle and Scott climbed out of the car and walked over to us. I swallowed hard and stepped back towards Mikey. I didn’t need any sort of comfort at all, but Mikey was shaking. I gently took his hand in mine and he gratefully squeezed my hand.
“Do we have a new couple on the block? You two’d suit each other. Emo fags always go well together. You two can both slit your wrists together and cry over how fucking pathetic your lives are and about how nobody cares and about how you both should go die,” sneered Damien.
The guys had now formed a circle around us and there was almost no way out. Mikey and I stood there silently as the guys taunted us.
“So guys, who should I hit first?” Damien asked.
I curled my lip up in distaste. He was so weak and pathetic. I looked at Mikey, he looked so fragile and weak. I sighed and he looked at me. The fear in his eyes was doubled by his glasses and I knew I couldn’t let him be attacked. I looked back at Damien and spat at him. It didn’t land anywhere near him, but the thought of someone spitting at him made Damien furious.
“Okay bitch, you’re first!” he growled.
He grabbed my hood and wrenched me out of Mikey’s grip. I stumbled as I fell forwards and Damien backhanded me. I yawned, it barely hurt because my hood took most of the sting out. Damien growled and then gave me a sharp left hook. That did hurt. I reeled back and fell to my knees on the ground as I lost my balance. I looked up at Damien and he sneered at me. He lifted his foot and kicked me in the stomach and I coughed several times as I tried to bring air back into my body. He then stepped close to me and kneed me in the face, causing me to bite my lip, splitting it. The whole time Mikey had been yelling at them to stop and the guys were hooting and hollering. I recognized the salty taste in my mouth and just to piss Damien off some more I spat all the blood out of my mouth at him, and this time it went all over his jeans.
“You fucking bitch!” he hissed.
I quickly took advantage of the time he was giving me and gave him a harsh right hook to the balls. He cried out in pain and went down, covering his package. I quickly stood up and ran into the nearby woods, grabbing Mikey’s hand along the way and towing him behind me as he tried to keep up.

We stopped at a clearing in the woods and I looked back at Mikey. He looked at me and then surprised me by giving me a big hug. I stiffened right up in a panic. I had no idea what to do. I had never been hugged before. I remembered watching people hug. Girls would wrap their arms around the guys’ waist and rest their head on the guys’ chest or shoulder. I stiffly wrapped my arms around Mikey’s torso and I stood on my toes to put my head on his shoulder. But what did the girls do with their hands?! Some had put them up the guys shirt—I’m sure Mikey would love that, note the sarcasm—and some had rest them on the small of the guys’ back, but that seemed a little too intimate and affectionate for my liking. I felt Mikey’s hands; they were warm and resting lightly in the middle of my back. I decided to follow his example and rested my hands lightly on the middle of his back. I felt him breathe and I could feel the vertebrae of his spine stick out of his shirt. I felt his chest pressed up to mine and for once I felt like someone actually wanted me, despite the hug still being totally awkward, thanks to me and my non-existent hugging skills. Mikey then pulled away and asked me,
“Have you never been hugged before?”
I paused, I thought of lying, but quickly dismissed the idea. It was obvious I had no hugging skills. I looked down and shook my head.
“What?! Not even by your parents?!” He asked incredulously.
I really didn’t want to go into that so I pulled my pen out again and scribbled on my palm,
We need to hurry if we want to get to school on time.
I then turned and walked off at a brisk pace, leaving no time to chat.