These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Belladonna's P.O.V.

I sighed as I looked around the room. It had been a week since Gerard had yelled at me and I was finally okay with being around him. I hummed quietly to myself as I went through my normal morning procedure. Once I was finished showering, dressing, eating I looked at the clock. I was surprised to find that it was only 6:30 in the morning. I normally never woke up this early. I heard my parents snoring and I knew that it could change at any moment. I picked up my messenger bag and walked out the door and I headed off to the park.

I knew it was dangerous to be around this area so early but I really couldn't care less. I pulled out my diskman and let the music flow through me, calming me. It made the walk in the bitter cold to the park that much easier to deal with. I looked around me and I could see faint signs of life and movement behind curtains and it made me sad. I sighed and looked at the ground. I turned the music off, because it wasn't cheering me up which meant I'd just be wasting battery life by having it on, and placed it in my bag. I continued on my walk to the park and when I got there I walked to the slide.

I climbed up the top and just sat there. I looked around at the deserted park and took in everything. The broken chain on one swing, the rust on the see-saw, the creaking of the broken merry-go-round, the chip at the bottom of the slide that I was on. All of it proceeded to make me feel worse. I pulled out my diary.
Dear Diary,
It's 6:30 in the morning and here I am at the park.
I don't know why I'm here...at least it's not home.
But at the same time it's just as bad.
It's so desolate. And old. And broken.
It makes me feel sad for the kids here.
When I was little, we lived on the other side of town with the nice stuff.
Over here everything's so...dead. Dark. Lonely.
I wonder how many people have been raped on that ground.
How many have shot heroin through their veins underneath this slide.
I wonder how many have passed out, drunk over that see-saw.
Life is harsh. I feel sorry for the kids learning it at such a young age.
No one deserves to be in a place like this at such a young age.
It's weird having friends.
And I hate to say this but sometimes a bit annoying.
I've been a loner all my life, well since I was seven or eight anyway, and now suddenly they're all there, pushing me to give them answers I don't want to tell them.
Mikey's a great person and he's really wonderful to be friends with and he's there when I need him but I don't want to drag him into my shit. He just doesn't understand why it's so bad. And for him to understand he needs to be told and I'm not telling him.
I don't want him to worry, and I don't want him telling anyone else about it and me having to get sent half way across the country to some family that's going to be 'oh you poor dear, here let's shower you in pity and fake love.'
I still want to kill myself. That's not going to change. I'm just not sure when to do it. I couldn't do it last week because Mikey was relying on me for the presentation, but we did that yesterday...
Wait, what if, now that the presentation's done Mikey doesn't want to hang out with me anymore? What if he was only being kind to me because of the presentation?
Fuck, I'm so fucking stupid! How the fuck could I ever believe that someone would ever want to be friends with me just for the sake of being friends? God, I hate myself!
I slammed my head into the bar next to me in frustration and hurt.
*Sighs* Well, fuck going to school today. I'll just hang out I guess. Make some suicide plans...they're always fun to make. And I will definitely not think about a Michael James Way.
Who am I kidding? He's the closest I've got to a best friend. Of course I'm going to think about how he hurt me.
I think I'm pms-ing or something. Stuff like this never normally bothers me.

I sighed and lay down so that my head was going down the slide. It was strange to think that within the space of a week hanging around Mikey had changed me. Before, I used to shy away from human contact, now I was half wishing he'd find me, hold me and tell me that I was being stupid and that I was never going to lose him as a friend. That's when it hit me.
I was behaving like one of those preppy sluts when they lost their boyfriend of one day.

My face wrinkled up and I sat up. Mikey was not going to ruin my day. I would not mope about a stupid boy. I was going to go out there and metaphorically scream 'FUCK YOU!' to everyone. I needed Metallica. I slide down the slide, ignoring the creaking sounds it made and quickly made my way to school.

For once I didn't hide. I barged in, shoving the doors open and storming down the hall. I wasn't even sure why I was so angry. I just was. I shoved past anyone that was in my way until I got to the music room. I stopped in front of it for a moment trying to calm myself so I didn't accidentally break anything before I walked in. I grabbed the Les Paul I always used and found the ...And Justice For All album by Metallica. I skipped to the second track and I plugged the guitar into the amp and turned it up loud. I wanted to hear my anger nice and loud. I let the first few bars play and then joined in with the second guitar, nice and loud. I liked playing And Justice For All, it was a fun song to play. It was just very long, near 10 minutes of playing. I turned the cd player up louder as James Hetfield began singing. God, I loved his voice. I bobbed my head along with the drums and lip synced along to the chorus.
"Justice Is Lost
Justice Is Raped
Justice Is Gone
Pulling Your Strings
Justice Is Done
Seeking No Truth
Winning Is All
Find it So Grim
So True
So Real"

My fingers angrily tore across the strings making the sound ring out louder and scratchier.
When ...And Justice For All finished I skipped to track six, Harvester Of Sorrow and began to play. I ignored the pain in my fingers, I ignored the burning and pulling of the muscles in my arms, I ignored the sound which was turned up to almost a deafening level. All I focused on was my anger and channeled into energy and concentration to play. This song wasn't as long as the other, near 6 minutes.
"Pure Black Looking Clear
My Work Is Done Soon Here
Try Getting Back to Me
Get Back Which Used to Be
Drink up
Shoot in
Let the Beatings Begin
Distributor of Pain
Your Loss Becomes My Gain

Anger
Misery
You'll Suffer unto Me

Harvester of Sorrow
Language of the Mad
Harvester of Sorrow"

I continued with the rest of the song before skipping to the ninth track, Dyers Eve. This one was more personal to me than the others.
"Dear Mother
Dear Father
Hidden in Your World You've Made for Me
I'm Seething
I'm Bleeding
Ripping Wounds in Me That Never Heal
Undying Spite I Feel for You
Living out this Hell You Always Knew."
This one was shorter, again, than the previous one. Closer to 5 minutes.

When the song finished my fingers were trembling and were red and creased from the guitar strings. They were throbbing with what normally would have been pain but at the moment I still had my rage blocking out the pain. I pulled out the ...And Justice For All album and placed in Load. I skipped to 2 x 4 and began to play angrily along with. This song described how I was feeling at the moment so well that I put it on repeat.
"I'm gonna make you, shake you, take you
I'm gonna be the one who breaks you
Put the screws to ya my way
Yeah, come on come on, come, make my day

Got some hell at pay, I steal your thunder
The joy of violent movements pulls you under
Bite the bullet well hard
Yeah, but i die harder, so go too far

Friction, fusion
Retribution
I can't hear ya talk ta me
I can't hear ya so talk ta me
I can't hear ya are you talkin' ta me
I can't hear ya are you talkin' ta me
I can't hear ya time ta meet my lord
I can't hear ya talk ta 2x4

I'm gonna make you, shake you, take you
I'm gonna be the one who breaks you
Put the screws to ya my way
Yeah, come on come on, come, make and my day"
I turned up the amp a bit more and did the same with the cd player and I sat down at the drum kit and slammed my foot down on the bass drum pedal in time with the beat while playing along to the guitar. When I finally got tired of playing 2 x 4 I took it out and placed in Master of Puppets and played along to Battery, Master Of Puppets, Welcome Home (Sanitarium), Orion and Damage, Inc.

When the sound died out my anger and rage started to seep away as well. That's all you need to do when angry, play a whole lot of Metallica. As my rage faded away I became away of the ringing in my ears, the sweat coating my body, the pain in my arms and fingers and the trembling fatigue of my arms and legs. I sat down and caught a breather for a moment.
"That was loud," I heard Mikey say.
I jumped in surprise when I saw him sitting next to me. Anger flared in my veins and I restrained myself from punching him in the face...that is if I had the strength to.
What the fuck are you doing here?
"I'm hurt, can't I just check up on my friend who is playing guitar loud enough for the next country to hear?" he joked.
I clenched my teeth together.
I didn't realise I was your friend
As I was writing I felt something wet slide down my finger and when I looked at the paper it had seeped up a splash of something red. Mikey looked at me alarmed and grabbed my hands. His mouth dropped as he looked at my hands. My fingers were a bloody mess from the strings of the guitar. No wonder they hurt so much.
"Shit! We need to get you cleaned up!" Mikey cried.
"Holy fuck! What the hell did you do to your hands?!" Ray asked, appearing next to me randomly.
What the fuck?! Are you like a magician or something?
"No, you were just distracted by Mikester here so you didn't see me come in. Awesome guitar playing by the way. Now we need to go get these cleaned up," he said.
I wrenched my hands out of Mikey's grip and turned to the guitar. There were little splashes of red on the strings where my fingers had been. I picked up a cloth and wiped off my blood from the guitar before setting it back.
"Dude, what's up with you today? Are you pms-ing or something, cause no offence but you're being a bit of a bitch," Ray said, annoyed.
That was the good thing about Ray, he didn't kid about what he thought. He told you straight up to your face.
I don't know why you guys even give a fuck. Mikey we did the presentation, you don't need to pretend to be my friend anymore.
Mikey looked at me with such a face of hurt I had to look away.
"Whatever. I thought you were different to the others here. I thought you were actually a genuine, nice person. But now I know that you're no better than the rest of them. Thanks for setting me straight on that front. Talk to you later Belladonna," Mikey said and with that he stood up and walked out of the room.
"What the fuck was that all about?! The only thing Mikey has ever fucking wanted from you was a fucking friendship! He's not concerned about the fact that you don't fucking speak! He's not concerned about the fact that you are a withdrawn, scared, little girl! He's not even concerned about the fact the Damien wants your fucking heads on a fucking platter! He was only ever concerned for your fucking welfare! Nice of you to throw that back in his fucking face!" Ray shouted before storming out, slamming the door shut behind him.
I gulped and didn't bother to hold back the tears, they'd fall anyway. I simply crumpled to the floor and put my head in my hands and rocked myself as tears slowly slid down my face.
I fucked up big time