These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Belladonna's P.O.V.

Beep...beep...beep...The sound of rythmic beeps to the pounding of my heart was the first thing to greet me when the dark waters I was submerged in released me. Immediately disappointment and self hatred filled my soul. I grabbed the covers and pulled them up over my head as tears threatened to fall. I felt so horrible about myself, I felt like an utter failure and a fuck up. I couldn't even kill myself right! I turned over in the bed and pressed my face into the pillow.
"Holy fuck! You're awake!" I heard Gerard exclaim.
I did the only thing appropriate for a response, I gave him the finger.
"What was that for?" Gerard asked, hurt.
You fucking idiot! You didn't fucking let me die!
I just kept a firm hold of the blankets over my head.
"Well, the hoody I f-found you in has been kinda cut up and well...I brought one of my own if you wanted to wear it..." Gerard offered.
I was surprised and touched at his kindness and generosity. Then again, I would be kind and generous to someone who had just attempted suicide. I hesitantly reached my hand out and I felt warm, soft fabric touch my hand. I went to shoo him out when he laughed to himself.
"I know, I know...I'll leave. But I'll be back in about 2 minutes with the guys so be prepared," he said.
I heard him walk away and the door closed. I pulled the covers down and looked distastefully at the wires on my body. I had been in hospital several times before so I had quickly learnt how to work the machines on my body. I turned off both the machines and ripped the wires off my body. I grabbed the hoody and pulled it on. Immediately a unique smell washed over me. Surprisingly, it didn't bother me. It was a mix of Gerard's boy-ish smell, his deodorant and whatever washing powder he used and it was a good mix. I breathed it in deeply and flicked the hood up over my head. I realised that the hoody was quite warm and Gerard must have been wearing it. I relaxed back into the bed as the smell and feel of his comfortable hoodie calmed me.

All of a sudden the door opened and in came a tumble of boys and a doctor.
"BELLA!" I heard Ray cry and he rushed over to me and immediately tackled me in a hug. I winced in pain and froze in his grip before I relaxed, ignored the pain and awkwardly hugged him back. His 'fro bounced around my face, tickling my nose and neck as he pressed his face into my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry! Please...thank you...I'm sorry," he kept babbling into my ear.
I shifted uncomfortably and awkwardly patted his hair, letting him know that I didn't mind and that I forgave him.
"Time's up Ray, she's mine to hug now!" Frank declared.
Ray moved away and I caught a glimpse of a tear-streaked but happy face before Frank jumped on the bed and curled into me.
His leg was flung over mine and his arms wrapped themselves around my middle as his head rested on my chest and his body moulded to mine. He was like a small child. He looked up at me and I realised how much younger and innocent he looked.
"I'm glad you're awake, please don't do that ever again," he said softly.
I gave him a smile and hugged him tightly, trying to make him understand that I was happy to see him and that I was sorry for worrying him. I wouldn't promise that I wouldn't do it again, because I would more than likely break that promise. I heard a small sniffle and I saw that Frank had a tear running down his face. The corners of my mouth dropped and I brushed it off and I shook my head. I didn't have any paper so I couldn't write out what I would say but Frank got the message.He gave me an impish grin and shrugged his shoulders.
"Don't worry, I'm just happy that you're okay," Frank said.
I smiled and nodded.
"Frankie! Don't hog Bells, she's mine now!" Mikey whined.
Frank gave a huge sigh and disentangled himself from me.
"Possessive fucker," Frank muttered, but shot Mikey a grin to let him know he was joking.
Mikey shoved him lightly and then went to give me a hug. Up close I could see Mikey looked terrible. His eyes were sunken in and he had huge shadows underneath his eyes. His eyes themselves were tired and full of worry and sadness. I sat up, held out my arms and eagerly wrapped them around Mikey's skinnier-than-normal frame.
"Do--"
I cut Mikey off by shaking my head slightly. He pulled away slightly and looked at me confused. I licked my lips and coughed a couple of times to clear my throat. I swallowed once and placed my mouth next to his ear.
"S...S...Sor..r..ry," I whispered.
My heart pounded in my chest from adrenaline as Mikey pulled back, his eyes as large as saucers. Then he flew forwards and hugged me tightly. My hands fisted in his shirt and his pulled me close. We gripped tightly onto each other and we both pressed our faces into each other's shoulders.
"Hush, hush. It's okay," Mikey whispered soothingly.
I just hugged him tightly. The fact that I'd just said one simple word spoke volumes to him. I knew he'd understand what I was trying to say.
"Just don't you dare try anything like that again! You talk to me before you ever even think about trying that again," Mikey growled softly.
I nodded once and he pulled away and stepped back. He gave me a small smile that brightened up his eyes.
"It's good to have you back Bells," he said.

"Miss Collins, what are these wires doing out?" the doctor asked, coming forwards.
I made a few hand gestures which I knew meant nothing to him. He blinked once and stared at me blankly. I have to admit, for a doctor he was good-looking. Soft, grey eyes and slightly shaggy black hair combined with a solid shape. Too bad I hated doctors and he was probably 24.
"That meant absolutely nothing to me," he said blankly.
"Oh right, I forgot!" Gerard said, lightly hitting his forehead.
I looked at him curiously and he smiled and gave me a small notepad and a pen.
Thanks Gerard.
I pulled them out. I'm not stupid. These machines aren't rocket science.
"Clever girl..." the doctor murmured in surprise.
I narrowed my eyes at him.
Don't fucking patronise me. I'm not four.
"Sorry, sorry! No offence intended. Well, Miss Collins, I need you to stay still while we put these wires back on you," the doctor said and reached for my arm.
I automatically shrank back into the bed and pulled my arm way out of reach. I quickly snatched the notepad away and hid my arms under the covers. The doctor frowned at me and tutted.
"Now Miss Collins, I need to put the I.V. and the heart monitor back on you so please..." he trailed off and reached for me again.
I squirmed back, looking at his hand warily. He looked at me annoyed and impatiently.
"Now Miss Collins, quite frankly this is getting ridiculous!" he growled, annoyed.
I glared at him.
Don't you fucking touch me. There's a fucking reason why I don't like these things! So kindly fuck off and leave me alone!
His grey eyes hardened to stone and I felt a small quiver of fear in my stomach, but I didn't let it affect me. I knew I was safe with the guys around.
"Give me your arm please," he said in a tolerant tone.
I set my jaw and proceeded to sit on my hands.
"Please Bells, allow him to help you...please...you need the fluids in your body. You're a nil by mouth," Mikey pleaded.
My look flickered to Mikey but my resolve never wavered. I pulled my arms out from underneath my butt and quickly scrawled a rough note and threw it out before sitting on my hands again.
I don't want your filthy machines pumping God-knows-what through my veins. If you think those machines are safe then go get your own fucking catheta and I.V. bag!
Mikey sighed and rubbed his forehead.
"Guys, may I have a moment alone with Belladonna?" Gerard asked quietly.
The guys nodded and walked out, but the doctor stayed behind. I looked at him with hatred. Forget what I said before about him being good-looking, that couldn't be further from the truth.
"Sir, I need--"
Gerard quickly shut the doctor up with a harsh look.
"I know you need to get that n-needle in her but I need to talk to her! I'll be two goddamned minutes!" Gerard snarled.
The doctor huffed and stalked out.

"God, he's annoying," Gerard muttered, coming to sit beside me on the bed.
I nodded in agreement. Gerard looked down at me and then his gaze flickered to the machines. I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Bells...I know you don't want them in your body but you need to put them in. Even if only for Mikey's sake," Gerard said.
So that's why he wanted to talk to me. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked away.
"Bells, you're not going to kill yourself by not allowing fluids and medication into your body, they'll get it into you, one way or another. If they have to they'll tie you down and force them into you," Gerard said.
I tensed up and stayed looking out the window, instead of at Gerard's face. I wouldn't admit that I had been trying to kill myself.
"Bells, please...you didn't see the guys when you were unconscious. Ray went out and punched a tree until he broke three knuckles. As you saw, he cried. Frank was telling me that in the ten or so years that he'd known Ray he'd never seen him cry. Frank himself was so lost. He didn't know what to do with himself. Most of the time he sat with his head in his hands either crying or staring blankly at the floor. I've never seen that kid so down, his eyes had barely any spark and this is the first time I've seen him smile in four days. You know Frank, not smiling just isn't his thing. Don't even get me started on Mikey. Mikey was so...gone...it looked like a part of him had died. He had completely given up hope and he hated himself. He cried himself to sleep every night..." Gerard said.
I closed my eyes and refused to let his words get to me, but honestly, it wasn't working too well.
"And I, myself, I don't know what happened...it was like I shut down and went into autopilot mode. Fuck, I almost turned into my father. And most likely, your mother," he said softly.
I froze like a statue. How the fuck did he find out about my mother?!
"Bells...my point is, don't let us down. We held on by the skin of our teeth and it would absolutely kill us if you died now..." Gerard said softly.
I closed my eyes and kept my face turned away. I wouldn't let him know that I was that close to giving in.
"Bells, please...we all need you..." Gerard pleaded.
I turned to him and I could see unshed tears in his eyes. I closed my eyes and sighed.
Fine, give me the damn wires...
Gerard's face lit up and then I felt his small stubble gently brush my face and his lips pressed to my cheek.
"Thank you...thank you so much," he whispered, his voice thick.
A blush blossomed over my cheeks and my heart rate increased slightly.
Definitely putting the I.V. in first.

I looked at Gerard uncertainly and gulped. I had the I.V. line in and I had sent the doctor out for the next part, putting the heart rate monitor patch thingys in.
Gerard? Um...well it kinda hurts to move my arms at the moment...like badly and plus I need to kinda unwrap the bandages from my chest to get the heart rate monitor thingy's on and I kinda can't do that, so I kinda need your help to um, put the things on and wrap myself back up...Could you please help me?
I heard Gerard gulp and my heart rate increased rapidly. My face felt like it was on fire and I couldn't look at him, even though my face was covered by my hood.
"I-I, um...s-sure...B-but t-this isn't r-really my f-forte...A-are you sure y-you don't want s-someone else to do it w-with you?" Gerard stuttered.
My eyebrows raised as the double meaning made itself apparent. Gerard obviously got it and I saw blood pool in his cheeks and turn the tips of his ears red.
"I-I meant wrapping the b-bandages...n-not that...like that that..." Gerard stumbled over his words before chuckling nervously.
Well, I'm not having anyone else touch me!
Gerard's face flushed again and then he nervously cleared his throat and turned to me. We couldn't have been more awkward if we tried. I looked at him and then slowly peeled upmy Gerard's hoodie, to reveal the stupid hospital gown thing. That's when I realised something, it buttoned up at the back.

Both of our faces flushed and I gulped. I kept my head down and stood up next to the bed. I wasn't too pleased with practically having to take the gown off, but I'd do it for the guys. Gerard's shaking fingers fumbled with the buttons as he undid them. He slowly peeled the gown down so that my entire torso, wrapped in bandages, was exposed. I held onto the gown so it stayed in place and turned to face him. He looked at me uncertainly and I gulped. Gerard fumbled with the end of the bandage and I gently put my hand over his.
"Sorry...I'm just nervous, I don't want to fuck this up," Gerard said nervously.
I exaggerated my breathing a bit to tell him to calm down. He got the message and nodded. He licked his lips and then began to roll the bandage back, across my chest. It was almost torturous having him do this to me, I couldn't even remember how he'd talked me into agreeing to put everything back. He made about 8 more circuits around my body and had almost unwrapped it fully and now our breaths were uneven and raggedy from nervousness. I licked my lips nervously and closed my eyes as the final layer was unwrapped. My boobs popped free and I heard a sharp intake of breath come from Gerard. Tears of humiliation built up in my eyes and I decided that it was stupid to ask this of Gerard, an eighteen year old male. I opened my mouth to speak as I took a step. However, my eyes were still closed, which meant I didn't see Gerard's hand hovering in mid air and as I stepped, I stepped so that Gerard's hand rested lightly on my breast.

My eyes shot open as a small tingle went down my spine. Gerard's eyes were wide open and horrified. He quickly jerked his hand away as blood pooled in our faces and necks, burning us. The problem with Gerard jerking his hand away was that he had forgotten he was holding onto a heart rate monitor patch thing and it jerked the machine forwards. The machine rolled into Gerard who tumbled into me. We both tumbled back to the bed, where he was leaning over me, pinning me to the bed. In my surprise I had let go of the hospital gown and it dropped to the floor, leaving me in just my underwear. My hands had also involuntarily wrapped themselves around Gerard's neck and one leg had raised and gone around his hips. Of course it was at that moment the guys decided to walk back in.
"What the fuck?!" Ray asked, freezing.
"What?" Frank asked, before seeing us.
Mikey just stared in disbelief.

I immediately started cursing Gerard for not letting me die, because I had never wanted to die as much as I did right then. I simply could not move any part of my body and evidently Gerard couldn't either.
"I think we should go now..." Frank said quietly.
Mikey nodded silently, staring wide eyed.
I could feel Gerard trembling in my arms and he swallowed hard as the guys left.
"I-I..." he stuttered.
He looked trapped, like a deer stuck in headlights. I felt much the same way.
"I-I," he tried again.
I willed myself to move but I was stuck, and as much as I hated to say it, I liked it. I don't mean that in a slutty way meaning about to have sex. It was just nice to be in Gerard's arms. I'd shoved him away before several times but I realised just then that it was stupid to do so. Gerard's arms were stronger than Mikey's and he was more cuddly than Mikey. I'm not saying Gerard's fat, he just has more meat on his bones than Mikey did and it's more comfortable. Gerard looked like he could win a fight and it made me feel safer and more protected.
"Bells...what...you...I..." Gerard couldn't get a sentence out and it took me a moment to figure out what he wanted.
Well, I had some help from him of course, I mean it was kinda hard not to notice the 'ruler' making an appearance in his pants, rubbing against my crotch. I flushed red and finally unlocked myself from around him. My leg went back to the ground and I moved away slightly, but for some reason, my arms still stayed around his neck. I looked up at him and he was looking at me in a completely different way to the way everyone else looked at me. His hand reached up and gently brushed my hood back, completely exposing my face. For some reason, it didn't bother me. He brushed the hair away from my face and his breath caught in his throat. His other hand moved so that he was no longer pinning me to the bed, he was holding me close, against him. The hand that had brushed my hair away began to trace my face and my facial features. My breath hitched slightly as his finger dipped to the hollow of my throat before he snapped away.

It was almost like he had a bucket of water thrown over him. He pulled himself away from me and stepped back a bit.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry...I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry," he apologised profusely.
I blushed heavily and quickly pulled up the hospital gown. I shook my head, letting him know it was okay and threw him the bandage before looking pointedly at the heart rate machine.
"Right, yeah, the thingy...Yeah, um, I'll work on that," he said, flustered.
He grabbed the machine and quickly placed the patches just above my left and right breasts before he wrapped my chest back up. He quickly did up the buttons and I gladly let go of the hoodie I'd been holding up. The beeping of the machine was significantly higher than what it had previously been.
"Well, that's done and um...well, yeah..." he said nervously.
He looked everywhere except for at me, I was surprised at the feeling of disappointment I could feel. I bit my lip and grabbed the note pad.
Thank you for helping me Gerard. I'm sorry about what happened before, just an accident right? You're still going to be my friend right?
Gerard gave me a smile and nodded.
"Yeah, of course we're still going to be friends!" he said, opening his arms.
I gladly stepped into them and hugged him gently. His smell enveloped me and I discreetly breathed it in. I felt like I'd found where I was meant to be, right here in Gerard's arms.
"Well, I have to go so I'll catch you later...um...bye," Gerard said, somewhat awkwardly.
I nodded and gave him a light squeeze before stepping back. He gave me a small smile before he turned an practically ran out of the room.