These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Gerard's P.O.V.

It was late at night and the events from earlier today were still plaguing my mind. A blush coloured my cheeks as the sight of her flashed in my mind. She was so beautiful, she was like a model without the airbrushing. Except for the patches where the bullet holes were and the very obvious signs of abuse. I winced for her as I remembered the huge purpling bruises over her body, the ugly looking half healed gashes, which the doctors had taken the liberty of stitching up. Not to mention the scars spiralling across her body. I groaned and pushed my fingers through my greasy hair. I came up to Belladonna's room and slipped in.

Mikey had brought in her diskman, several of his cd's and his stereo earlier so she was quietly listening to The Misfits, Die, Die My Darling when I walked in. She looked up and gave me a tentative smile.
"Hey Bells...uh, how are you?" I asked, awkwardly rubbing the back of my neck.
I could've died then, the air between us was beyond the barrier of awkward. An image flashed of Belladonna underneath me with her arms and leg around me and her face flushed red and I immediately lowered my eyes and blushed again. A piece of paper hit me in the side of the head as the music stopped mid-song.
Hi Gerard, I'm good, thank you for asking. How come you're here so late?
I sighed and hopped up on the foot of her bed and crossed my legs to face her. I noticed she was still wearing my hoodie and I smiled.
"Like my hoodie?" I asked.
She smiled and nodded.
Yes, it is very comfortable...unlike the awkwardness between us after today...
I squirmed in my seat somewhat and rubbed the back of my neck.
"Um...well...yeah, I, um...yeah, sorry about that..it was an accident. Please don't think that I was like trying to make a move or something, because I wasn't I-I just kinda I--" I was cut off by a piece of paper hitting me in the face.
Gerard...calm the fuck down. It was my fault, I stepped in the way. I know you weren't trying to make a move on me so just breathe.
I gulped and nodded.
So was that it?
I swallowed hard and looked down at the bed.
"The doctors and I know..." I said quietly.
She looked at me blankly.
Know what?
"...That you get abused by your parents," I said softly.
I watched as her whole frame stiffened up and her head snapped back.
I am not an abused child. I'm just very clumsy.
My heart sank, I'd kind of hoped it wouldn't turn out this way. I'd hoped she'd trust me enough to tell me the truth.
"Bells...you can't hide it. I've seen your body, I've seen--" I was cut off by a wad of paper hitting my forehead.
Bet you fuckin' loved that. Loved the thought of not having to pay to see a girl without a shirt on underneath you.
I clenched my teeth in an effort to control my anger. I didn't want to get angry but that comment annoyed me so much. It made me feel like all she thought of me was that I was a dirty scumbag. And for the record, I don't think I'd have to pay to get a girl to get their shirt off for me.
"Belladonna, if I remember correctly, it was you who asked me for help so don't you dare turn that on me. And don't lie and tell me that you don't get abused because I can see it and so can the doctors. 'I walked into a door' is not a sufficent excuse either," I said annoyed.
I waited as she scribbled something furiously on her notepad. As she wrote I watched as her mood changed. It made me wonder what she was writing.
This is why it's SO much easier not to have friends! I don't have to worry about stupid fucking questions, stupid fucking emotions and if it weren't for 'friends' I would be fucking DEAD right now! What the fuck do you want me to say Gerard?!
My father used to lock me in my room telling to me to be silent or I'd get a fucking beating from the age of seven! I learnt pretty fucking quick not to talk.
My mother used the spare time to go get herself drunk, and if I couldn't sleep she'd knock me out with alcohol, wonderful fucking family of mine huh?
My friends left me for dead and not one of my aunts or uncles gave a shit about me. They HATE my parents and say that they're nothing more than a pair of fucking disgraces and I would surely follow in their footsteps.
I have been alone for ten years and I have been longing for death for so long, and you fucked it up for me. Some fucking friend you are, thanks so much for understanding my side of the story like friends are supposed to.
Do you know how fucking long I'm going to have to wait for the next chance? I'm going to have to wait like two fucking years! I have to pretend to these fucking guidance counsellors AGAIN that yes, I'm okay and no, I'm not suicidal.
And I'm sick of fucking lying all the time! It gets tiring you know...and I can't fucking commit suicide until they're off my fucking back! And I will NOT promise to anyone that I won't attempt again because it's more than fucking likely.
See Gerard, if you'd just left me to die alone then that would have been the best present anyone could have given me...you just...you can't understand how hard each day is. Each breath is a struggle, all I want to do is stop breathing. I feel so empty inside I may as well be a mannequin. I can't remember the last time I got excited for something, I can't remember the last time I looked to something with more than a faint glimmer of hope, can't remember the last time where I cried because it was just a physical pain, nothing mental or emotional. And I didn't grow up like that. Until I was about seven we lived on the posh side of town and we used to go to the park every day and we'd have fun and we were a family. Then we moved a couple of weeks before my seventh birthday and suddenly it was like I'd been thrown into a nightmare. My mother was always drunk and she got violent and my father got violent, four times worse than my mother though...
You know what happens to me on Christmas Day? I get smacked around, kicked, hit with various objects until I'm unconscious. Everyone else gets 50 presents, I get knocked unconscious. However, I'm always grateful to be unconscious, because then I can't feel and for once I'm at peace. My last Christmas present was given to me when I was six and it was a blanket. It has holes in it and it covers about half of my body but that's the only blanket at night. The only thing to keep the bitter chill of winter from my body.
Don't ask about my birthday, I don't even remember what day or even month it is.
I got my first job at 12. I had to somehow keep us afloat. My mother was incapable of pouring a glass of water and my father was a drug dealer, they're not very reliable for money. I worked at a restaurant, picking gum out from under the tables for 2 years earning 5 dollars an hour. My next job was at Wallmart, stacking boxes. Then I swapped to Starbucks another couple of years later. Of course I did, do, odd jobs for anyone and everyone and right now I'm just earning enough to buy a few essential foods, pay for water and a small percentage of electricity. I haven't had a hot shower in...I don't know how many years. I haven't watched t.v. in I don't know how many years...you think that some of your struggles are difficult, you don't have any idea how hard it is for me. I keep myself and my parents alive because I work three sometimes four days a week.
It's getting tiring working to keep all three of us alive, there's nothing they've done for me to keep doing this so why should I keep doing this for them?
The worst part is knowing that even when I'm eighteen, I can't leave because I will never have enough money to leave...I HATE my life...and you ruined my only chance at escape...This sounds horrible but, I'm sick of living for everyone else. I just want to be utterly selfish and do ONE thing for myself...But I can't, because you guys would hate me if I did that one thing so, yet again, I'm living for someone else...
Tears were running down both of our faces, I'd never known anyone to go through so much. It made me feel bad, I'd always thought that I was grateful for what I had and that I was open to the hardships that other people had but I'd never really understood until after I read that. I had a fucking palace compared to her...

I slid off the bed and I walked to her and when I came to her head I hopped back up on the bed and opened my arms. She immediately fell into them and she hugged me tightly, sobbing. My heart went out to her completely. She was the strongest person I'd ever known. I pulled her as close as I could to my body. I wanted her to feel warm, feel loved. I wanted her to feel like she mattered because, although she didn't mention it I knew she felt like she didn't matter.
"Belle...you're amazing," I breathed into her ear.
Her hands fisted themselves in my shirt and she shook her head.
"Belle, you really are...you're so strong...I can't find the words to explain it but please believe me...I know you're whole world has been full of loneliness and pain but I want you to know that you matter and you will never be alone again. Mikey, Frank, Ray and I all love you and just...please hang on, I'm sorry but I'm not going to let you kill yourself, we love you too much for that to happen, but I can guarantee that your life will get better. We'll make it better. We'll help you. You don't have to talk to the guidance counsellor but you'll have to talk to one of us at least. We'll give you whatever you need, blankets, hot water, clothes, electricity...anything...please trust us and let us help you," I whispered in her ear.
Gerard, I can't let you guys do that...it would cost too much!
I held her close to me, wrapped her in my arms, wanting her to feel protected, like she didn't have to worry about anything.
"Please Belle..." I begged.
She shook her head. I sighed and swallowed hard.
"Belle, let me do this for you. I want to do this for you," I pleaded, looking down at her.
She looked up at me and shook her head.
No Gerard, I won't let you. I agree to the company of friendship and talking to you guys instead of a guidance counsellor, but everything else, no.
I lightly growled and then sighed again.
"So difficult and stubborn...fine, but for one thing, you're getting Christmas presents and I'm going to find out when your birthday is and you're going to get some motherfucking presents. I don't care what you say, this is non-negotiable. Got it?" I said sternly.
She gave me a sad smile.
If you do get me something get me something not amazing or expensive. If it is then my parents will find it and sell it. I know from experience.
My shoulders sagged, I have to admit, I was disappointed. I'd wanted to get her something really special and amazing to let her know that she was worth it, but I didn't want it to get pawned off or anything so I couldn't.
"Yeah, okay," I said, deflated.

She rested her head lightly on my chest and I felt her body shudder from a suppressed yawn.
"Tired?" I asked.
She nodded. I checked the clock to see the minute hand flick to ten-thirty. I nudged her gently to get her to sit up off me for a moment before I settled down next to her on the hospital bed, on my side. She lay down next to me and looked at me curiously. I smiled at her.
"You comfortable?" I asked.
She nodded and I smiled, I had an idea forming in my head.
"Well that's good. Now just lay back and relax. You're okay," I said.
She looked at me and then curled up into my frame so that her back was against my chest. I smiled and gently placed an arm around her and began to sing,
"She grew up with the children of the stars,
In the Hollywood hills and the boulevard.
Her parents threw big parties everyone was there.
They hung out with folks like;
Dennis Hopper, Bob Seeger, Sonny and Cher.

Now, she feels safe in this bar on Fairfax,
And from the stage I can tell that,
She can't let go and she can't relax.
And just before she hangs her head to cry
I sing to her a lullaby, I sing

Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Rockabye

She still lives with her mom, outside the city,
Down that street about a half a mile.
And all her friends tell her she's so pretty,
But she'd be a whole lot prettier,
If she smiled once in a while.
`Cause even her smile looks like a frown,
She's seen her share of devils,
In this angel town.

But, everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Everything's gonna be all right
Rockabye, rockabye
Rockabye."
By this time she'd fallen asleep and was breathing deeply, but just for the sake of it I kept singing the rest of the song to her.
Once I had finished the song I gently kissed the top of her head and slipped off the bed. I pulled the covers up and tucked them around her, keeping her warm. I grabbed her notepad and quickly scribbled her a note and left it on the bedside table and left.