These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Belladonna's P.O.V.

I had been sitting on the floor for about 5 minutes when Mikey came trotting down.
"Bells?" he called out.
I sniffed and a small half choking, half sobbing noise rose from my throat. Mikey came running into the kitchen and he fell to the floor beside me. He wrapped his arms around me and he hugged me close.
"Bells, Bells, Bells...what happened? What's wrong?" Mikey asked worriedly.
I wrapped my arms around him and held onto him tightly. Mikey gently raked his fingers through my hair and tried to soothe me. I clutched onto him tighter and pressed my face into his shoulder to keep myself from crying aloud. I wasn't even sure why I reacted so severely.
"It's okay, let it all out. It's okay, I've got you," Mikey said softly.
I felt so grateful to have a best friend like Mikey. He was just amazing.

Soon after I calmed down enough to stop crying and sit up. Mikey rubbed my back soothingly and looked at me concerned.
"What happened?" Mikey asked.
He kissed me. And I'm scared Mikey.
"What are you afraid of?" Mikey asked.
...I'm not sure. I was just so confused. One part of me wanted to kiss him again, the other told me to run away. It was like I was being smothered, I can't deal with spontaneity. But at the same time I was afraid of my parents finding out.
"They...they don't just yell at you do they? When you express affection," Mikey added.
I shook my head.
My father beats me black and blue. My mother throws shit at me. They do yell though. A lot.
Mikey sighed unhappily.
"Bells...you've got to do something about them..." Mikey urged.
I shook my head.
I can deal with them.
"One day they're going to fucking kill you!" Mikey suddenly yelled, jumping up and glaring at me.
I looked up at him and shrugged.
Mikey...I'm a suicidal teenage girl, telling me that someone is going to kill me isn't going to scare me.
"Belladonna, don't say shit like that! You mean a whole fuckin' lot to all of us! You saw what we were like..." Mikey hissed.
I turned away and looked at the ground.
Can you help me with my Gerard situation?
Mikey rubbed his forehead tiredly.
"Do you like Gerard?" he asked.
I looked at him blankly.
I don't know. I've never liked anyone before.
Mikey slammed his face into his hand, before pulling away and wiping peanut butter onto a tea towel.
"What do you feel around him?" Mikey asked.
I feel...nervous, jittery. I get butterflies in my stomach and I can't look him in the eye. I want to be around him more and whenever he touches me I feel tingly where he's touched me. And my heart rate climbs and my breath is faster.
"And do you feel that when Frank goes near you?" Mikey asked.
I looked at him strangely.
No? Should I?
"It's not a matter of should or shouldn't. Do you feel like that when Ray goes near you?" Mikey asked.
I frowned.
No.
"Me?" Mikey asked.
I looked at him as if he'd sprouted another head.
No.
"James?" he asked.
No.
"What does that tell you?" Mikey asked.
That the only one I feel weird around is Gerard.
Mikey groaned and looked up at the ceiling.
"It's like working with a three-year old," he muttered.
He looked down at me and knelt beside me patiently.
"Okay Bells, you can see that I like Alicia a lot can't you?" Mikey asked.
I rolled my eyes, he was as obvious as a camel in the snow.
Please, anyone can tell from a mile away!
"What I feel for Alicia is exactly what you feel for Gerard," Mikey said to me, looking me directly in the eyes.
I froze.
But...I...what?
"You. Like. Gerard. I can see it from a mile away," Mikey teased.
But I'm scared Mikey...It's a really big thing for me. You don't have parents that beat you for showing affection. And going off what you said before, this could kill me. I can't like Gerard.
Mikey looked at me sadly.
"I guess I'd forgotten about that...there's...really nothing I can say to help with that," Mikey whispered.
Let's just, go to bed.
Mikey sighed and I stood up and tossed him a tea towel.
That's for the peanut butter and pickles.

It was an hour later and I hadn't been able to sleep yet. Mikey and Alicia were asleep and Mikey had his arm around her side, holding her to him. Gerard was on the other side of the bed, with his back facing me. His breaths were long and even so I assumed he was asleep. The moonlight from Mikey's window shone down on him, making his hair glitter brightly. I smiled softly but then took a heavy deep breath and the smile faded away. I wanted him to kiss me again, but I was afraid of the physical contact. The action was so intimate and affectionate, it scared me. That's where it was confusing. I wasn't sure what I was afraid of. Was it the action? Or was it the thought of my parents finding out? I shifted on the bed and gently touched my lips. I could still feel the ghost of Gerard's kiss on them and I smiled lightly. I carefully peeled back the covers and cautiously eased off the air mattress. I stood up and set the covers back, looking anxiously at Gerard to make sure he was still asleep. He kept sleeping on and I breathed a breath of relief and tiptoed out of Mikey's room to the bathroom.

As I stared at my reflection I thought back to my life a little over a month ago. I had nothing. I was just a girl struggling to breathe. As I looked at my reflection I finally saw the change. Instead of staring at a sad, broken girl who was debating on whether or not she should slit her throat, I was staring at a girl who was trying to make a choice of living or surviving. I bit my lip and then a smile lit up my face as I knew what I was going to do. I turned around and walked back to Mikey's room. My parents had been ruining my life and controlling me for far too long. They were not going to take one of the only good things in my life.

I quietly slid back onto the mattress. I folded my arms back behind my bed and looked up at the ceiling, finally feeling peace relax my body.
"Where'd you go?" I heard Gerard murmur quietly.
I jumped in surprise, I didn't realise Gerard was awake. I turned over to see Gerard facing me, with his beautiful eyes open and looking right back at me. I smiled and shook my head before pulling out my notepad.
Did some thinking. I didn't know you were awake?
"Haven't slept yet. Are you okay?" he asked softly.
I smiled widely and wondered if I should say what I wanted to.
I'm better than okay.
The gap between us was too much for my liking but I wasn't sure how to close it.
"Well...that's good then," Gerard said.
His voice sounded so unhappy.
I moved over to him and gave him a hug, surprising him somewhat.
Don't be sad.
"I'm not sad," he said automatically.
I sighed and shook my head. I let go of him and scooted up so I was at his height. I plopped on the pillow next to him and he looked at me curiously.
I'm sorry Gerard.
He frowned.
"What for?" he asked in confusion.
For my reaction.
He knew what I meant and he looked away from me.
"Doesn't matter. It was just a dare anyway, I'm sorry for going through with it," he muttered bitterly.
My confidence was knocked out of me in a second. I'd completely forgotten. It was just a dare, he didn't mean anything by it at all. So I'd gotten all worked up for nothing. Holy crap, I was fucked now...I liked Gerard, and Gerard didn't like me. I felt this strange feeling in my heart, like someone was stabbing it and pulling it down to my feet. It hurt. He must have seen some sort of emotion in my eyes because he turned to me with a concerned look.
"Something wrong?" he asked.
I hesitated, I was going to do it before I fell on my back on the bed next to him.
Nothing.
"Sorry, that last bit was a bit harsh. I did want to kiss you...I'll admit it, but I guess that was only one way," he said softly.
I turned back to him and I looked at him. He looked quite ethereal and gorgeous in the moonlight. Like an avenging angel or a seductive vampire. I wanted to kiss him but I wasn't exactly sure how to. I bit my lip and gently placed my hand on his cheek. His stubble pricked into my hand lightly and he looked at me uncertainly. My heart was racing faster than it ever had and my breath too was shaky. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them to look back at him. He was looking at me with a mix of hope and confusion. I finally decided just to fuck it and I leaned down and gently pressed my mouth to his.

He pulled away a few seconds later.
"What?" he asked confused.
That's what I was thinking about. I was afraid. I was afraid because of my parents. But they've been controlling me for far too long. I like you Gerard.
Gerard smiled widely and murmured, "I like you too, Belle."
He pulled his hand up to my neck and gently pushed my head down so he could kiss me again. I relaxed against him and he wrapped both of his arms around me and held me close. His mouth moved softly and encouragingly against my own, but never pressing me for more. He knew that despite the fact I didn't want my parents controlling my life, this was difficult for me. But right now my parents were the last thing on my mind. My heart was crashing in my chest and I felt warm and alive. Gerard's hands were gently tracing patterns on my back and it felt nice. I pulled away gasping for breath and Gerard gave me a smile.
"Sleep now Belle," he said softly.
I lay back on the bed, unsure of where to sleep. Did I sleep next to him? Back where I was earlier? Where? Thankfully, that dilemma was solved by Gerard laying next to me on his side and putting one arm over me, holding me close to him so that my back was pressed to his chest. I smiled as the most comforting feeling of safety settled over me. I closed my eyes and I felt Gerard press a kiss on the top of my head.
"Night," he murmured.
Night.
The world of sleep soon took me under.