These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Belladonna's P.O.V.

I scrambled through the Way's gate and stumbled up to their front door before stopping in front of the door. Tears were shooting down my cheeks and I couldn't breathe properly but I couldn't bring myself to go in. I could hear Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray celebrating Ray's win at the skate park so I didn't want to interrupt them with my stupid problems. I stepped back from the door but then peeked through the looking glass hole thing. I couldn't see much, just a few blurs where I knew a table and doors and stuff were. I pulled away again and I heard more laughing. I wanted to celebrate Ray's achievement with them but I couldn't. I was too emotionally distraught to celebrate right now, and I didn't want to take the attention away from Ray, he deserved it. I stepped back again and then turned and ran back through the gates.

I ran back to my park, at which point it started to pour. I pulled my bag closer to me but then it seemed like a stroke of insanity hit me. I could feel such a mix of emotions boiling in my chest, it was constricting my lungs making it hard to breathe. I couldn't breathe, I was horrified with myself, I hated myself, I hated my parents--both of them. I could feel hurt blossoming through my chest and anger.
I ripped open my bag and pulled out my diaries. I began to toss them into the air, letting the wind and rain hit them. I pulled every single diary out and chucked them away. A few loose papers fell free and fluttered to the ground. I grabbed the books back and began tearing at the pages. I ripped them up and tossed them into the air. The rain pelted against the pages and over my face, washing away my tears. Lightning flashed, thunder cracked and I kept tearing at the documentary of my life over the past year. Finally, I grabbed the scraps of paper and chucked them all into the air, letting the rain and wind destroy and disperse them so they fell like flakes of snow to the ground.
I wasn't done though, even though I had destroyed the written commentary of my life I still wasn't okay. I tore the hoodie off my body and threw it aside, then pulled off my plain black tee, ripping it in the process. I was left in just a plain, simple undershirt and bra and I stared up at the rain, letting it wash the tears off my face as I struggled with releasing myself from my mental prison. Pulling off my outer layers of clothing didn't help, and I didn't know what else to do.
I fell to my knees in the mud, grass, paper and ink and then just screamed. My scream rang up and out, over the sound of the rain, wind and thunder. In it I could hear the insanity I had caged up, the hurt, loneliness, fear, all my emotions that I had felt. I heard the longing and self loathing and hatred I had tried to keep away come out. Everything came out in that one scream, my entire life.
I pulled at my hair and clenched my fists in it as I continued to scream. I screamed until I felt like my vocal chords had been set on fire and then doused in acid. I screamed until I had no more room to scream or breathe. I screamed until I had let go of everything. I fell to the ground and lay on my back, sobbing. I wanted Gerard.

"Shit, Bells!"
I shivered and wrapped my shaking arms around my body. I heard squelching and the person slipped in the mud, splashing it over one side of my face. I ignored it.
"Bells! Bells!" the same voice interrupted the silence.
The rain had lessened slightly but I made no indication that I was going to move.
"Bells! Are you okay? What happened?"
I turned my head and looked at the kneeling figure beside me. Mikey was holding my ragged hoodie and my torn shirt. I guess I was a bit vicious when I yanked them off.
"'Rard," I croaked.
Mikey stared at me with wide eyes.
""Rard," I croaked again.
"Do you want Gerard?" Mikey asked me, placing a gentle hand on my forehead.
I whimpered slightly and nodded once. Tears filled my eyes and I stared back up at the sky. I heard Mikey start running back and a few more silent tears slipped out of my eyes.

Gerard's P.O.V.

I was working in my room, the guys had left a little while earlier and Mikey had gone to grab something from the corner shop. I was glad that I had some time to myself because I had finally gotten some inspiration for this comic storyline I was working on! I might even send it to Cartoon Network once I'm done. My inspiration came from that really weird scream that I heard faintly just before the guys left. I drew up a storyboard and began to sketch in a few block outlines of the characters and the speech bubbles.
"GERARD!"
I heard Mikey call out and the sound of thundering footsteps through the house. I groaned. Of fucking course. Whenever I get a storyline something always has to come along and pull me away from it. I pushed myself away from my desk with a sigh and walked to the door.
"GERARD!"
I frowned. Mikey sounded close to tears and really desperate. I hastened my pace and jogged out of my room.
"Mikes? What's up?" I called out.
"Gerard! Where are you?!" Mikey yelled out from upstairs.
"I'm in the hallway!" I yelled back.
Mikey came racing down the stairs and nearly toppled into me.
"Whoa, Mikes! Where's the fire?" I asked, laughing slightly.
"It's Bells," Mikey said quietly.
All humour immediately left me and my hand grabbed Mikey's arms as panic started to set in my body.
"What happened? Is she okay? Where is she?" I asked, anxiously.
"The park," Mikey whispered.
The blood drained from my face as I remembered seeing her on that slide, minutes away from death.

I found myself running. I was running out of the house, into the rain, down the street to the park. I sprinted as fast as I could and soon I entered. I paused for a moment, there were random sheets and scraps of paper scattered all around the place and there looked to be a torn and tattered book in a tree. I frowned confused but then my eyes zeroed in on Belladonna. She was lying in the mud, in the middle of the park with nothing but an undershirt and jeans on. Her blonde hair was in her face and coated in mud, as was the rest of her body. I sprinted over to her and fell beside her. I knelt next to her and looked down at her, leaning over her face. Her eyes focused on me and I gently touched her face.
"Belle?" I asked softly.
Her face twitched and she sat up slightly. Mud was coating her back and her head and stained her shirt. I looked at her and frowned. She was obviously shivering with goosebumps and had blue lips.
"Belle? What happened?" I asked.
Her eyes were bloodshot and filled with salty tears. I opened my arms for her and she simply fell into me, crying.

I pulled her into my lap and her arms went around my neck as she buried her face in the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around her tightly, trying to give her some warmth and comfort. Her whole body trembled and shook as she cried into my neck. I pressed my face to her head and I pressed a kiss to her head, ignoring the mud that was now coated over me.
"It'll be okay Belle, it'll be okay. I'm here for you, no matter what," I said softly into her ear.
She whimpered lightly and I took off my jacket and loosely wrapped it around her shoulders. She squeezed me tighter and I knew it was her saying thank you.
"Any time baby," I whispered, stroking her hair lightly and rocking her gently.

I don't know how long we sat there, but it was a long time. The rain had stopped falling and the clouds had moved away by the time Belladonna pulled away. She looked awful. Her nose was red, her eyes were red, there were tear stains on her cheek and her hair was a mess, but she was still beautiful. My jacket and clothes were completely drenched and I was shivering slightly, but Belladonna was shaking non-stop. I looked at her worriedly.
"Belle, where's your hoodie and shirt?" I asked.
She shrugged, still shaking.
"Okay, we'll come find them in the morning. I have to get you home and in a hot bath as soon as possible. You're probably going to be sick tomorrow though," I said.
She looked down and shrugged, in an I-Don't-Care kinda way. I pressed my lips together then shifted her in my arms so I could stand and carry her at the same time. As I stood my back cracked painfully a few times and Belladonna hugged herself closer to me. I held her firmly in my arms and she rested her head on my shoulder as I started to walk back home.

"Gerard! What's wrong with her? Why's she like that? What happened? Why were you out there for over two hours?" Mikey barraged me with questions as soon as I stepped through the door.
"Mikey, I'll tell you later. Can you do me a favour and start a warm bath for Belle?" I asked.
Mikey nodded mutely and raced upstairs.
"And put some of Mom's nice shit in it too!" I called up to him.
"And why do you need some of my stuff?"
I whirled around to see Mom in the doorway. She took one look at Belladonna and frowned.
"What happened to her?" Mom asked, coming over and resting her hand on Belladonna's forehead.
"I don't know. I'm figuring I'll talk to her about it later tonight or tomorrow," I answered.
"She needs a nice warm bath, some food and then some sleep. She'll be sick tomorrow. No doubt about it. How long was she out there?" Mom asked.
"At the very least 3 hours I'd reckon," I replied.
Mom pursed her lips and frowned.
"Mom, she'll be okay. I'll take good care of her," I said softly.
Mom smiled at me and nodded, smiling slightly.
"I know you will honey, she's just become like a daughter to me," Mom said gently.
For some reason Belladonna started to sniffle and she pushed her face into my neck again. I gently rested my cheek on her head and held her tighter.
"It's okay baby," I whispered softly.
"I'm going to grab her some of my clothes to wear, do you have any um...any..." I broke off, blushing hard.
My mother smirked at me, she knew what I was asking.
"I'll give her a boob-tube, that should work," Mom laughed.
I had no idea what a boob-tube was, but it didn't sound pleasant.
"Uhh, thanks..." I said hesitantly.
"No problem, I'll grab it now," My mother laughed again.
She ended up tossing me a shirt.

The bath was quickly filled up and I carried Belladonna up there. My arms were really starting to kill me now, but I didn't mind, I'd walk through fire for Belladonna. I gently set Belladonna down on the tiles and I pried her off me.
"I'll be back in a minute with some clothes. I want you to get into the bath and just let yourself warm up. It'll hurt like a bitch when you first get in so be careful," I said softly.
Belladonna nodded mutely and looked at the ground. She looked so defeated and hopeless it almost broke my heart. I lifted her chin up and gently placed a kiss on the side of her mouth.
"If you need me, give me a yell. I promise I'll be there," I promised.
She nodded dejectedly and turned away from me. She pulled off the jacket that was around her shoulders and I stood there for a moment, watching and admiring, before I realised that she was starting to pull up her shirt, and that I probably looked like a creepy, stalker, pedophile guy. I turned around and walked down to my room.

Belladonna's P.O.V.

I sank into the bubbles of the bath numbly. I could feel the pain but it wasn't hurting me. It felt like I was disconnected from it. Tears filled my eyes as devastating words from the monsters at home circled around my head. I sank lower into the bathwater, under the layer of bubbles, under the water. I should have been drowned at birth, it would have solved everyone's problems. Maybe I'll do it right here and now, I wonder if Gerard can pick clothes quickly.

Moments later a hand plunged into the bathwater and pulled me up. I coughed and gasped for breath as air filled my lungs. I shook my hair out of my face and wiped the water from my eyes. I turned my head to the side to see Gerard looking at me, both worried and upset with me. I turned away and tried to sink under the water again.
"Oh no you don't!" Gerard growled, grabbing me and holding me up in the water.
"I'll get in the damn bath with you if I have to," he growled.
I shrugged, I really didn't care. Gerard sighed and rubbed his forehead tiredly.
"Promise me that you won't try to drown yourself in front of me? I don't think I can handle that," he whispered softly.
I looked at him, at the sadness and worry on his face and in his eyes, and thought of how he was there for me and held me in the pouring rain for over 2 hours and guilt swarmed my stomach. I nodded to him and lowered my eyes. I rested back against the edge of the tub and Gerard knelt beside the tub.
"C'mere," he said gently.
I moved over to him and he moved me so that my back was to him. He grabbed something and poured it over my head before massaging his fingers through my hair. My eyes closed and I relaxed into Gerard's hands. He kept massaging my head and then pulled away.
"Wash it out now," he said quietly, washing his own hands in my bath.
I sank underneath the water and ran my fingers through my hair, washing the shampoo out of it. When it was all gone I sat up and Gerard squeezed the excess water out of my hair. Again, he poured something on my head and massaged it through my hair.
"Okay now keep that out of the water until I say so," he said softly.
I nodded and held out my hand for a clip or something.
"Hold on a sec, I'll see if I can find something in these drawers," Gerard said.
I heard several drawers open and shut and heard stuff get shuffled around before he put a large clip in my hands. I twisted my hair up and clipped it to the top of my head.
"Lean forwards a bit," he said.
I leaned forwards and I felt a bar of soap run over my battered back and then Gerard's hands gently began to wash away the grime that had accumulated. The soap stung the cuts on my back, but the relaxing feeling of Gerard's soft hands running over my back more than made up for it. Water was splashed onto my back and Gerard washed the soap away. His hands pulled me back gently and I let him pull me back. I felt his soft breath trail over my skin and he pressed a soft kiss to my shoulder. I smiled gently and closed my eyes again.
"Turn around," Gerard said softly.
I obediently did so and my eyes started to flutter open, but stopped when Gerard pressed a kiss to my closed eyes.
"Keep them closed," he whispered.
I felt a soft rag start to run over my face and in some places Gerard had to scrub a bit to get away the grime, but he always made sure to be gentle with me. My lips were permanently turned up into a small smile.
"Open them now, if you like," Gerard said.
I opened my eyes slowly to see Gerard looking at me with a look of tender affection. If I had been crazy I would've said it almost looked like love, but that's completely ludicrous.
"I don't know what's running through your mind right now, or whatever was running through it earlier, but always keep this is mind. You are beautiful. Nothing can ever change that and I will always be here for you. If you ever, ever need someone, I'm here for you," Gerard murmured.
I smiled and looked down as blood pooled in my cheeks. I heard Gerard chuckle quietly and I blushed redder.
"You've gotta wash the conditioner out of your hair now," he said, pulling the clip out of my hair gently.
He set it aside and I sank beneath the water again to wash the conditioner out of my hair. I sat up a few moments later and looked at Gerard. He gave me a warm smile and gently brushed a lock of hair out of my face before resting his head on the edge of the tub.
"And now you can relax for awhile," he said.
I smiled and sank into the water a bit. I saw concern enter Gerard's eyes and I gave him a reassuring look. I promised.
"Sing?" I breathed out, hoping he'd hear me.
My throat still killed from the scream earlier and I clutched it, wincing.
"Is your throat sore?" Gerard asked.
I nodded.
"I'll make some of my Mom's tea for you once you're done," Gerard said.
I smiled, but that wasn't exactly what I was asking for. Gerard gave me a smile and began to sing.
"And would you stay right here?
When I tell you,
That someone out there loves you.
Would you stay right here?
Well I'd tell you,
That someone out there loves you after all," Gerard sang softly.
I closed my eyes and let his beautiful voice take me away to a land of peacefulness.

"C'mon, wakey, wakey," Gerard said in my ear.
I blinked and opened my eyes to see I was still in the bath. The water was cooler, but not by much. I guessed I'd been asleep for about 20 minutes. I looked at Gerard and he smiled at me. He walked over and grabbed a towel and set it on the bench.
"I'll be back in 2 minutes. If you're underneath that bathwater when I come back in I won't be happy," Gerard said firmly.
I nodded and watched him leave. When he was gone I sighed and looked longingly at the water.
"Don't even think about it!" Gerard called through the door.
I laughed lightly and stepped out of the bath and wrapped the towel around my body. I quickly dried myself off and pulled on Gerard's boxers and the undershirt he'd somehow gotten. I hung the towel up and Gerard stepped through.
"Good girl," he praised.
I smiled and hugged him, resting my cheek on his chest. Gerard's hand tilted my face up and his mouth captured mine in a kiss. I spun in his arms and faced him properly, twisting my hands up into his hair. His hands trailed down to my hips and he pulled me closer to him. I wasn't sure what happened or what came over me, but I found myself trailing my hands down over the front of his shirt and reaching underneath it. I gripped his shirt in my hands and pulled it up. We briefly disconnected our mouths so I could tug his shirt up over his head. But as soon as it was over his head, Gerard immediately claimed my lips with his. He backed me up against a wall and pinned me there. My mouth worked feverishly with his and I ran my hands over Gerard's back and down his front. I gently grasped his lower lip between my teeth and he groaned into my mouth. He moved his leg in between mine and pressed closer to me. I gasped at the sudden contact and Gerard disconnected our mouths again. I whimpered slightly at the loss of contact but then moaned softly as he placed his mouth on the side of my neck, kissing, sucking and biting gently. I pushed myself off the wall a tiny bit and threw my head back, giving him more access to my neck. My hands trailed down to the front of his jeans, feeling for the button.

Gerard suddenly pulled away and snapped back to reality.
"No, Belle, we can't do this," he said, between heaving gasps.
I kissed him again, trying to pull him closer. Gerard groaned into my mouth and started to kiss back before pulling away.
"No, Belladonna. We can't. You're not ready," Gerard whispered in my ear.
I was so ready! I liked Gerard more than anyone else! I trailed my hands down his chest and Gerard groaned. He gently took my hands in his and pressed them to the wall behind me.
"Belle, stop making it harder for me. Belle, just listen to me. Now is not the time to be having sex. You are not ready for this. You might think you are, but you're not," Gerard said.
I pulled my hands out from under his and pulled at the bottom of my shirt. If I had to lose a few articles of clothing to persuade him then fine. Gerard's hands grabbed my own again and he gently held onto both my wrists as he pulled my shirt down with the other.
"Belladonna, no. I really, really like you and I think you really like me too, but this is not happening tonight. Sex won't solve or help any of your problems. Besides, this is probably only a tonight thing, stemming from whatever fucked you up so badly in the park. If you still feel you're ready tomorrow then we'll talk. But not tonight," Gerard said firmly.
I looked at him and then sighed. I nodded amiably and his grip on my hands slackened and he pulled me into a hug.
"Thank you, I'm not sure how much longer I could've held back," Gerard laughed softly.
I smiled and pressed a kiss to his chest.
"Ugh, don't do that...that just makes it harder," Gerard groaned and I burst out laughing at the double meaning.
Gerard blushed slightly and then poked me.
"I didn't mean that!" he denied.
I just laughed and pulled away from Gerard to finish getting dressed.