These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Belladonna's P.O.V.

"Just sit up on that stool there and I'll make you that tea and some food. Something soft so that it won't irritate your throat any more than it already is," Gerard said, gesturing a stool on the other side of the breakfast bar.
I nodded and quietly walked over the stool. I silently climbed onto the stool and watched Gerard. He started the kettle and the stove and ran around the whole kitchen pulling out honey, a lemon, a tea packet, some other package, sugar, milk and a couple of spoons. Gerard set a pot on the stove and poured some milk into it. I watched curiously as he kept throwing ingredients into the pot and into the cup.
Mikey trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen. He saw me at the breakfast bar and smiled. I forced a smile back. He gave me a concerned look before obviously catching a whiff of whatever Gerard was making.
"Is that what I think it is?!" Mikey asked excitedly.
"Yeah, it is. Can you give this to Belle?" Gerard asked, giving Mikey my tea.
"Can I have some?" Mikey asked eagerly, peering at the stove.
"Fine, I'll make you some. Ask Mom if she wants some," Gerard replied.
"Yay!" Mikey cried.
He walked over to me and gave me my tea. I smiled my thanks but it felt stretched and over used. I was faking and I felt like a plastic barbie doll.
"You alright now?" Mikey asked, referring to my episode at the park.
No.
I forced another smile and nodded.
"That's good," he said.
He leaned over the counter and placed his mouth next to my ear.
"Make sure that you don't lie to my brother as well when he questions you," he whispered.
My eyes widened and I stared at Mikey in surprise. He grinned and tapped his nose lightly. Damn.
"And Mom's asleep by the way. So it'll be just us three. Or...you two rather, I'm going back up to my room. I'm going to call Alicia. Oh, and here's a present Bells," Mikey said, tossing me a note pad and pen.
I smiled genuinely at him and he beamed at me.
Thanks Mikey. I'm pretty sure my note pad is demolished now...
"No problem, Bells," Mikey laughed.
"Midnight snack's up!" Gerard announced, pouring three bowls of lumpy goop.
"YAY!" Mikey cried.
He rushed over and snatched a bowl, holding it greedily to his chest.
"It's been ages since I've had this shit," Mikey moaned happily.
"Just eat it, retard," Gerard laughed, grabbing two spoons and sticking them in the goop.
He brought the two bowls over and pushed one over to me. I looked at it weirdly. It was goopy and looked a little bit like porridge, but not quite.
No offence, but it kinda looks like a bowl of mashed up maggots.
Gerard grimaced and looked at it weirdly.
"Thanks...now whenever I try to eat it I see mashed up maggots," Gerard pouted.
I laughed and Mikey looked at us as if we were insane. He'd already eaten half of his bowl.
"Huk, I lob hish fit," he said through a mouthful of whatever this is.
"Don't speak with your mouth full," Gerard teased.
Mikey gulped it down and grinned.
"Fuck, I love this shit," he said, before shovelling more into his mouth.
It was strangely interesting watching Mikey eat. Disturbing, but interesting. His eyes sometimes bulged out of his head and other times it sounded like he was choking. He was certainly messy because some of it was starting to drool out the side of his mouth. It was disgusting but I couldn't seem to turn away. It's like poking a bruise. It hurts, but you can't stop poking it.
"Belle? Are you okay? You look kinda green," Gerard said concerned.
And Mikey wins the Most Disgusting Eater Of Whatever-This-Shit-Is award...
Gerard turned to Mikey and then made a face.
"Dude! That's gross! Wipe your face or something! We have company!" Gerard cried, disgusted.
Mikey grinned and laughed.
"All done! Time to call Alicia!" Mikey announced.
"Maybe she can teach you some good eating habits," Gerard mumbled.
I laughed quietly and turned back to my own bowl of Mashed-Up Maggots. I dug my spoon in and gingerly tried a bit. It tasted weird. Sweet, almost too sweet, but weird. It was half liquid, half solid goop-y stuff so it was hard to know how to really eat it so I was doing some weird kind of eating movement that got the job done. I swallowed and felt it hit my stomach. At first it felt weird but then my stomach settled down and I was okay.
"So, do you like it?" Gerard asked.
It's not bad...what is it?
"Semolina," Gerard replied, putting some in his mouth.
I shrugged and kept eating.

We ate in silence and Gerard washed up the dishes afterward. Once he was done in the kitchen he wrapped an arm around my waist and lead me to the living room. He fell on the couch and lay down, stretching and yawning before pulling me down to him. I gently sat on the couch and looked down at Gerard.
"You're beautiful. You know that right?" he murmured.
I smiled half-heartedly and turned away. I heard Gerard sigh and he sat up. His arms wrapped around me comfortingly and he rested his chin on my shoulder.
"What happened Belle? After you left us at the skate park," Gerard asked softly.
I started fiddling with my fingers and looked down. For some reason, I now felt a strange reluctance and fear of telling him. I didn't want to lose him, he was one of the few good things in my life.
I turned to him and I saw his eyes looking at me comfortingly and I could see he wanted to know. I grabbed the note pad and pen and wrote my only condition.
Promise me you won't think any less of me? You won't like...leave me will you?
"Of course not! Why would you even think that?" Gerard asked, concerned.
I'm adopted.
I turned away from Gerard and felt the tears pile up in my eyes.
"But...that's a good thing!" Gerard said, confused.
I turned to him and shook my head. He frowned in confusion when he saw how upset I was.
"It...It's not?" he asked.
It means that even as a baby no one liked me or wanted me. I was either an accident or a rape baby or completely unwanted for whatever reason. I don't blame them though. Why would anyone like me? I'm nothing but a depressed teenage freak!
"Don't you ever say that. Belle, baby, you're amazing! You're funny, you're smart, you're caring, you're drop dead gorgeous...what more could you want?" Gerard asked softly.
A pair of parents would be nice. Ones that actually wanted me and didn't think of me as a mistake to be shoved into someone else's hands or as a punching bag. That would be nice.
Okay, so I was a bit sarcastic there.
"Belle, there could be any number of reasons why you were given away. They might've been forced to either by family, money issues, government issues, personal issues...the possibilities are endless. That doesn't mean you're a mistake though, I'm sure that they thought you'd get a good home somewhere else. And if they couldn't keep you, at least they gave you away in love so that you wouldn't have to live on the street or something," Gerard said softly.
I looked at him incredulously.
I would rather live on the street than live with my monster adopted parents! And why didn't they write?! Why didn't they let me know that I had a pair of parents somewhere on the other side of the world or something?!
"Do you think that maybe your adopted parents threw away the letters?" Gerard asked.
They stopped collecting the mail years ago. I collect it. I would've known if they tried to make contact.
"So, how did you find out?" Gerard asked.
It came out when my father was screaming at me. I'd just gotten home when he came out of the kitchen and started screaming at me. It didn't make much sense at first. I could only discern a few words here and there but then it got clearer. He told me I was worthless, good for nothing, useless. He told me I should have been drowned or choked at birth or aborted. He told me I was the biggest waste of space, time and money there ever lived and the only thing I would amount to be is a tramp living in the gutter. He told me that the biggest favour I could ever do for someone is to kill myself. He said he'd help me achieve that goal if I wanted. Then it just came pouring out about how he'd wasted his money adopting me. He'd always hated me and wished I'd stayed at the adoption agency. Do you know what it's like to find out the parents that are meant to love you gave you away at birth and then the other set of parents that were supposed to love you and care for you like their own hate you?
Gerard's eyes were saddened and simultaneously full of pain and anger.
"Don't do this to yourself. At least your first parents cared about you enough not to abort you. Everything your adopted father said is shit. You are...amazing beyond words. I can't describe you. You are perfect, you're my light. You're the only good thing in this rotten shit hole of a world. You are my little piece of heaven. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are NOT worthless. You are NOT useless. You are NOT good for nothing and you most certainly are NOT a waste of time, space or money. I promise," Gerard said seriously, staring me straight in the eyes.
I nodded. I didn't really believe him, but I wanted to.
But Gee...two sets of parents don't like me, for whatever reason. What does that say about me?
Gerard kissed my forehead.
"It says that those two parents were the stupidest parents that ever walked the face of this Earth," he murmured.
I gave him a small smile and he returned it.
"Come with me," he said, standing.
He took my hand and pulled me down to his bedroom.

I waited patiently on the bed as Gerard dug around in his drawers.
"Aha!" he muttered.
He turned to me with a serious look on his face and walked over to me. He knelt in front of me and grabbed my hands.
"Belle, did you believe me when I said all that before?" Gerard asked me seriously.
I looked at him hesitantly. My hesitance was all he needed for an answer.
He lowered his head and did something with his hands. He hissed slightly in what sounded like pain and then looked up.
"I swear on this blood that I meant every word of what I said in the living room. And I also swear that if you should try to kill yourself again, I will go with you," Gerard said.
I looked at him strangely and then he held up his hand and I gasped. His hand had a gash running diagonally across his palm. Blood had welled up and started to bead along the cut. I looked at Gerard and then back at the cut.
"I've read the fantasy; I know what a serious thing this is, but I want you to understand how much I meant it," Gerard said.
Couldn't you have done it in another way that didn't include slicing your hand open?
Gerard grinned wryly.
"Now why would I do that? Anyway, I've gotta clean this up, it's hurting like a mother," Gerard said.
But then something occurred to me. Gerard didn't bring a knife down with him.
Gee...where'd you get the cutting utensil?
I saw Gerard freeze and then sigh. He looked back at me and for a moment I saw the same depression that had me in his eyes, before it was gone.
"We'll talk about it later," he said quietly.
I nodded.

We quickly took care of Gerard's cut and wrapped it up. I gave his hand a small kiss over the bandage and smiled at him.
Sealed with a kiss. It'll heal better this way.
Gerard laughed and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into him.
"You're so cute," he mumbled.
I smiled and hugged him tighter.
"Anyway, I believe there's something we were going to discuss and I certainly don't want Mikey to overhear it," Gerard said.
I looked at him questioningly.
"'Night Mikes! Belle says 'night as well!" Gerard shouted.
"Night guys!" Mikey yelled back to us.
Gerard sighed and pulled me into his room, closing the door. I made myself comfortable on the bed and Gerard climbed in next to me. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it on the other side of the room and did the same with his jeans. I cuddled up closer to Gerard, resting my head on his chest and resting my arm on his torso. He wrapped one arm around me, and pulled the covers over us with his other.
"I used to cut. A few years ago," Gerard said softly.
He showed me his arm and I gently traced my fingers along the faint scars on his arm. I frowned, why did he cut? I wondered if it was an effect of the divorce.
"It started when I was 15. Getting held at gunpoint with a .357 Magnum and getting put on the floor execution style isn't exactly the most...enjoyable experience. After that my parents flipped, Mikey flipped, I flipped...everything was just so crazy, so I was shoved off to my grandparents place. Worst fucking place in the world," Gerard spat bitterly.
I thought you loved Elena?
"Oh, not my maternal grandparents. My paternal grandparents. Grandma and Grandpa were gone on an overseas trip then. Grammy and Gramps place was the worst. Grammy was half dead on the bed half the time and Gramps...was...a very, very sick man. I'm glad he's dead now," Gerard's voice was tight.
I knew it was difficult and I regretted asking the question.
Gee, you don't have to tell me this. We can just ignore my question and do something else.
He kissed the top of my head and his arm rubbed mine gently.
"It's okay. I know your story, time you knew mine," Gerard said.
But it's difficult for you and you've already done heaps. I don't need to know your story. I know enough already.
"Belle, I want to tell you my story. At least a little more of it," Gerard murmured.
I pressed a kiss to his chest and nodded my head okay.
"My gramps was a sexual predator. And he didn't give a shit what sex the person was. That's not the problem, I'm not homophobic. The problem was that he wanted sex from his fifteen year old grandson," Gerard said bitterly.
My heart stopped. I pulled away slightly to look at him, horrified at what he'd done to Gerard. Gerard looked at me with a kind of bleak expression and I hugged him tightly. I planted kisses over his chest and Gerard laughed lightly.
"No, Belle, we're not having a repeat of the bathroom incident," Gerard said, laughing.
Is that at least partially why you wouldn't?
Gerard gave me a look.
"Belle, you're not ready. I know you're not and finding out about what fucked you up in the park, I am one hundred percent convinced that you felt unloved by your parents so you were trying to get me to have sex with you so you'd feel like someone loved you. That's not what it's about. It had nothing to do about what my gramps did to me. It was four years ago and I got therapy so I'm fine now," Gerard said.
And for the record, I wasn't kissing your chest to try and convince you to have sex with me. I was trying to show that I don't feel or think any less about you because of what your gramps did.
Gerard gave me a warm smile.
"Thanks, Sugar," he murmured.
So when did he stop?
"He stopped when he came," Gerard said bluntly.
I rolled my eyes.
I meant, what made him stop altogether?
Gerard smiled fondly before answering.
"My Grandma. At first I told my father, but he didn't believe me. Said I was either a. trying to blame my sexuality issues on someone else or b. making it all up for attention," Gerard's voice had become very bitter indeed and I was shocked that his own father could say such a thing. That's one thing my parents...adopted parents, had never done. They had never sexually abused me. Gerard continued, his voice cheering up, "I told my Grandma what was happening to me and she pursed her lips, grabbed her car keys and told me to come with her. I followed her and she got in the car, drove to the police, told them the story and then marched herself straight out and drove to my gramps place. We arrived before the police obviously. They were coming a bit later. I guess my Grandma thought it was the best time to confront him. She banged on the door and my gramps opened up. The first thing she did was slap him across the face. He stared at her then started yelling at her. Of course, Grandma wouldn't take that so she slapped him again. Then she told him the police were coming and if he ever laid another finger on me again then she'd make sure that the police would get here to find themselves cleaning up a body. The police arrived and they found him guilty and holding child porn shit and he got his ass thrown in jail. He died a year later," Gerard said.
Your Grandma sounds amazing. Could I...meet her one day?
"She's the coolest. She taught me everything I know. I'll take you to meet her tomorrow. She'll just love you, I know she will. But be warned, she'll pick up on the fact that you're abused," Gerard warned.
I nodded and shrugged.
That's okay. She won't call the police though will she?
"I don't think so. Not unless you tell her to, I think," he replied.
Nope, I'm definitely not telling her to.
"One quick question, why were you in the park?" he asked.
Well, originally, I had come here, but you guys were celebrating Ray's win so I didn't want to take the attention away from him and ruin the evening for everyone. So then I just ran and the park is kind of my sanctuary. I can be alone there. Then I just kinda...freaked. I ripped up all my diaries and threw them away. I ripped off my shirt and my hoodie, they're both pretty torn up I think. Then I just fell to my knees and screamed.
"Wait, that scream was you?" Gerard asked shocked.
You heard it here?
I was surprised, I didn't think I'd screamed that loudly.
"Yeah, it was fucked up and stuff and gave me inspiration for a comic for some reason. So that's why your throat was so sore," he said, realisation dawning in his voice.
I nodded.
"Damn, your throat must've been on fire," he mused.
Set on fire and then doused in acid.
Gerard laughed lightly and then his body shuddered from a yawn.
Tired, Pumpkin Pie?
Gerard made a face.
"A bit. It is like three in the morning," he admitted.
I'm sorry Gee, but no amount of beauty sleep is going to fix up your face.
"That one hurt right here," Gerard said, pretending to be hurt and placing his hand over his heart.
Aww, I'm sorry.
"'Sorry'? I'll show you 'sorry'," Gerard growled.
He suddenly flipped us over so that he was over me, my hands in his beside my head and his knees either side of my body. I smirked at him and wrapped my legs around his hips. Gerard groaned and looked at me, tormented.
"Stop teasing me...One day you're gonna try this and I'm gonna end up giving in," Gerard groaned.
I laughed and untangled my legs.
"Thank you. Now that you've successfully made my plans backfire, I propose we sleep. 'Cause I'm really fucking tired," Gerard yawned.
I giggled quietly. Gerard looked cute when he yawned. I gave him a quick kiss before he rolled off me. I stretched before rolling onto my side. I felt the weight on the bed shift and my back was suddenly pressed up against Gerard's chest. His arm went over my waist to hold me close to him.
"Goodnight beautiful," Gerard murmured in my ear.
I closed my eyes and a smile took over my face.
"Night Gee," I murmured softly.
Sleep dragged me down almost immediately.