These Bright Lights Have Always Blinded Me

Belladonna's P.O.V.

What was that bright light that was invading my room? Was it the end? Was that the gate to Heaven? I groggily opened my eyes. I groaned as sunlight pierced my eyes. I rolled over only to cause more pain for myself. I knew it couldn't be Heaven. I would never go to Heaven. I would go straight to Hell. The sunlight continued to pierce the back of my eyes while I slowly became aware of every injury I had sustained last night. I groaned again, but this time in pain. I rolled over to the side of my bed, and bit my lip from the pain. Which unfortunately opened up my split lip, causing me even more pain. All I wanted to do was curl under my raggedy blanket I got when I was six and never wake up. I sat up on the edge of my bed and looked around my dingy room. The window was broken, the curtains were ragged and torn. They were more like dirty and used rags rather than curtains. The paint on the walls was peeling and the walls themselves were cracked and coming apart. My clothes were in folded piles on the floor. My parents sold off my wardrobe when I was 14 to pay off their alcohol debts. I finally stood up and stifled a moan of pain as my body screamed its' protest. I ignored the protest of my body as I limped to my piles of clothes. I quickly picked out jeans, a shirt and a hoodie, as well as underwear of course.

I limped silently to the bathroom and I pulled off my blood stained clothes to step in the shower. I turned the shower on and stepped underneath the cold spray. My parents couldn't afford to pay for the heating bills so we were stuck with cold water. I didn't mind the cold though, I was used to it. I watched as the cold water cascaded down my body and washed away all the dried blood on my body. I was right, last night my parents were mad enough to kill me, just for coming home so late. I don't know why they cared. Probably because they didn't have their punching bag. I felt tears well up in my eyes and I frowned and shoved them back angrily. Tears would help no one. They would just express how weak I am. It never failed to amaze me how my parents could put me through so much physical pain and I would never cry, but leave me alone with my thoughts and tears start to form.

When I stepped out of the shower I was shivering and my lips were blue. I quickly wiped myself off and changed into my clothes. I looked into the smashed mirror and sighed. I could see several mini me's stare back at me. I tilted my head to the side and pushed the hair away from my face. Huge, blue lines had created permanent ridges in my skin, forever reminding me about my memories and what had happened to me. I turned my face backt o where it was and I watched as the blood from my split eyebrow trickled down my face. I grabbed my shirt from last night and held it to my eyebrow trying to stop the blood flow. I was amazed that I could actually think and walk, admittedly it hurt like hell every time I moved a muscle, but I could live with that. I pulled my shirt away and the blood stopped flowing.

I picked up my clothes and tossed them into my room. I would sort out the washing later. I limped down the slightly rotting stairs to the kitchen where I picked up my bag from where I dropped it last night and an apple. I twisted my hair up into my hood and I flicked it up over my head and over my eyes. I saw the smashed plates and glasses on the floor and sighed. It took me over a month to save up for that set and now it was lying smashed into pieces on the floor from where it had been thrown at me. I shook my head and decided to leave the mess for my parents to clean up. I walked out of the house and through the tangle of weeds and plants and as soon as I hit the sidewalk I heard crashing and yelling and cursing from my house. I breathed a small sigh of relief that I had already left.

I limped along the path to school content in my thoughts. I liked watching everything from the protection of my hood. It made everything look safer, sort of like that childish philosophy, 'if I can't see you, you can't see me'. I began to think about Gerard and Mikey. I was kind of suspicious as to why they were suddenly so interested in me. Well, not so much Mikey, he didn't know any better, but Gerard was a different story altogether. I had been going to the same school as him since year 8, when he was in year 9. Everyone knew him for the few artworks he allowed people to see. Though, it is possible for him not to recognise me, because back in year 8 I would on some days take my hood off and show myself off to the world. Unfortunately, shit happened and I never took my hood off again.

"Bells!"
A voice interrupted my thoughts and I looked up to see Mikey and Gerard waiting outside their place. I wondered why they were waiting. I walked closer to them and Mikey skipped up to me and wrapped his arms around me in a hug. I bit my lip harshly, to keep from crying out in pain, but I had forgotten about my split lip again and blood filled my mouth. Mikey let go of my stiff frame and I turned my head to the side and spat out all the blood in my mouth.
"Shit! Bells! Are you okay?" Mikey asked worriedly.
Yes Mikey, I am fine. I slipped and fell last night and bit my lip, when you hugged me I accidentally bit my lip and that caused it to reopen
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make your lip open again," Mikey apologised.
I waved my hand in dismissal.
"Oh! Gee's coming with us today! I hope you don't mind," Mikey said hyperly.
I shook my head and nodded a hello to Gerard.
"Okay! So, let's get this show on the road! We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of Oz!" Mikey began to sing off-key and skipped ahead.
I smiled lightly to see him having a good time. Sometimes it cheered me up to be around happy people.
"Hey Belladonna?" Gerard's voice came quietly by my ear.
I jumped to hear his voice so near to me. My muscles constricted and I tensed up when I looked at Gerard to see he was less than a metre from me.
"Sorry to frighten you. I just...I found this on the floor of the art room yesterday," Gerard said and held out a very familiar black book.
The blood completely drained from my face. I stopped and opened my messenger bag and counted the books in it. I was missing one...the one in Gerard's hand. I quickly snatched it out of his hand and held it close to my chest.
Did you read it?
"No. I didn't. I looked at it and I figured that what was inside it was none of my business," he said.
I sighed in relief and packed it away. I never wanted anyone to read these books. My life would be ruined if they did.
Thank you for respecting my privacy
"You're welcome," Gerard whispered quietly.

"Hey Bells! Where are we meant to go from here?" Mikey yelled back, from his spot 10 metres ahead of Gerard and I.
He turned to me expectantly and I walked closer to him. He frowned as I got closer.
"Bells are you okay? You're limping," he said concerned.
I slipped last night. I banged my leg on the stairs
I didn't like lying, but my entire life was a lie, so what did it matter that I lied then? For one thing, I knew that they didn't really care as much as they looked like they did. Mikey looked at me searchingly and then said,
"Hey Gee, we'll meet you back at school."
"Whatever...talk to you later. Talk to you late Belladonna," Gerard replied before leaving.
I bit the side of my lip, where it wasn't sore.
"Bells...no one slips and splits their lip and bangs their leg hard enough to limp the next day," Mikey said.
My heart rate accelerated. I was nervous. I didn't want to tell him anything that could possibly end up ruining my life. I then thought of something that I read in a story one time and decided to try it.
Fine, my parents hit me and abuse me really, really badly. I hate my life and I want to die. That's totally what's up and why I'm limping. My father socked me hard in the face and smashed me in the face with his belt -.-' Not to mention he hit me in the back with a metal baseball bat and then my mother joined and sliced my leg open by throwing bottles at me
I put my hand on my hip in a show of 'attitude' and Mikey sighed.
"Please Bells...I just want to help. You can tell me anything. I promise you on my life that I'd never ever tell anyone," he said.
The difference between Gerard and Mikey was that Mikey was a more open person. I knew him. Gerard and I were somewhat similar. We were both quiet, withdrawn people. Mikey was very open and trusting. I knew I could trust him but not with this.
Thank you, but I'm okay. Trust me.
"I do trust you, I just know that you won't tell anyone if you're in pain, because you're that kind of person," Mikey said, smiling sadly.
Have I ever mentioned that Mikey is really understanding?
Mikey...I just...I...I can't. I can't...Please understand...
Okay, I officially hate myself even more than I did before.
Mikey gave me a hug and I viciously fought the urge to tense up. As a result, I stood there in Mikey's embrace limply. I couldn't move any of my muscles or they'd automatically seize up in fear of my parents finding out that I was being weak.
"You didn't tense up," Mikey whispered when he pulled back.
I shrugged. Mikey was a good kid, and I really didn't want to hurt him.
"Bells, I'm always here for you. For whatever you need to talk about, remember that always," Mikey said.
I smiled and he smiled back.
I think we'd better get to school now.
Mikey chuckled and put his arm around my shoulders.
"Yes, I guess we should," he said.