The Pain We Feel

“It’s nothing. My mind was just playing a trick on me that was all. I mean that’s all it could .be right. It’s all in my mind because none of this could be true.” I kept babbling on like an idiot. I had to seem so hysterical to Jen, and she knew this didn’t happen to often. I should have been bursting with joy, and we both should have been celebrating. Instead I felt like I was being scared to death, and my best friend had to watch.

“Talk to me, Emily, what did you see? What could have made you this scared?” she still questioned as her arms tried to stop my shaking.

“Alex. He was walking away from me, and I-I saw him pull something out of his p-pocket. It was sh-shining in the sun, and I th- though that it seemed like a re-rectangle. No, I thought it was a r-r-razor. Jen what if he is c-c-cutting himself? What am I going to do?” I stuttered from the fear. A fear for him, his life, and nothing that really included me. Fear that I couldn’t understand at all.

“So you saw him pull out something that was shiny? Emily, we don’t know if that was a razor blade. It could have been an old pocket watch or an Ipod. Plus, even if it was a razor and he is cutting himself you know you’re two options. One, you walk away and forget about him. Two, you stay and see this to the end. You can help him quit, and be able to make both of you happy together. Let’s face it you want option two. You’re head over heels for this guy, and you are scared more for him than anything else. It’s plain to see that much. Or do you think you can really turn your back on him now?” Jen pointed out in a way that just felt so blunt, and direct. I felt the tears falling, and the shaking had settled.

We both fell in a silence as I continued to cry. Jen was right I was falling for Alex, and falling fast without a doubt. Even if the possibility of him actually cutting turned out to be true I don’t think I knew how to just turn away. I wanted to help him, and I wanted him to stop with a hope we could be together. I didn’t know how to turn my heart and mind from him and all I had started to love about him. I wanted to see whatever this was through till the very end. I didn’t care about the memories or the consequences that this could bring. I was in too deep, and there was no way that I could see to get out. I would walk down this road with him no matter where it would lead me, or how long it could take.

I could hear the monitors yell for us to start moving on to our next class. I didn’t want to move, and be left alone in a class where I knew I couldn’t concentrate if I wanted too. I wanted to just skip and miss the rest of my classes, but I knew that moer than likely I would end up getting caught. So I just walked on with Jen till we left for our separate class rooms.

At least it was in the same hall so I wasn’t left alone too soon. I told her if she could come over though to my house so I wouldn’t be alone. She said of course she was planning to either way, and I knew at home I could tell her about tomorrow. Wonder how that would go? A slight smile escaped as I though about him. I was definitely hopeless at this point.

Finally the school day came to a melancholy end with relief and fear for what would happen. I met Jen by the school entrance as my mom picked us up. The radio was all we could hear in the car as I just stred at the world passing me by so quickly. Then we pulled up my drive way. We grabbed the food and left for my room. If we seemed strange or anything neither of my parents felt the need to mention it. There was no room for silence as I put on music. Though, music was the only sound in the air as we sat still neither saying a word. I could feel my mind drifting off to what I knew felt like a fast approaching day. Then my thoughts were interrupted before I was engulfed in them.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“Better at least.” I replied.

“Well, you wont be seeing him for two days so you can at least calm down more.” She mentioned, and I quickly averted all eye contact.

“Actually, I’m………I’m seeing him tomorrow afternoon.” I said apprehensively.

“Wait what! When the hell did you planning to tell me?” she yelled.

“Right now? I didn’t get how to tell you earlier with the hysterics and all.” I mumbled.

“So you’re seeing him tomorrow? Alone, or is someone else going?” she interrogated

“Umm……I think it’s probably just going to be the two of us. He said his dad would be working.” I admitted staring at my desk full of clutter.

“Probably? So you just agreed to it, and what assumed everything would just be peachy keen?”

“Calm down Jen please. I’m sure things will turn out fine tomorrow. I’m going either way I just needed you to know.” I admitted to her again.

“Ok fine. Just promise me the second you feel something’s going wrong you’ll text me.” She quietly demanded

“I promise.”

Things between us calmed down after that was finalized. We just sat around and hung out as if things were perfectly normal. We acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary and it was a normal weekend. Inside though we both knew the truth because it was anything but the ordinary weekend we usually shared. As she hugged me goodnight we held on tight. Both of us sharing mixed feeling about tomorrow.