The Best Deceptions

Today I missed him, more than ever.

I could still see his dreads, his skinny frame and that stare he would give me right before he kissed me. I could hear his quirky laugh, his terrible jokes and worst of all I can still hear him tell me he loves me.

Oh God, what I wouldn’t give to still have him here. We were such stupid kids then, getting drunk in the park and being chased into the woods by cops. I remember picking the pine needles out of his hair that night.

”You’re my one and only.” He said though slurred words.

I smiled to myself at the picture of him lying in the forest completely wasted, covered in dirt, pine needles and leaves. I remember taking him back to his house, begging his parents to believe me when I said I was only taking care of him and not the reason he was in the state he was.

I’m still not sure how to take the world without him.

Something tells me moving on was never meant to be easy. I don’t know if I can ever find the courage to even begin to accept a life that doesn’t include him. But I knew I had to.

Sometimes I wake up reaching for him. Other times I can’t sleep at all.

Someone once told me I was young and didn’t know love but this hurts so bad it has to have love’s name written all over it. In the midst of all this uncertainty there was one thing I was sure of; life would never be the same without him.

I was never a fan of breaking up but leaving him was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I regretted leaving him every day of my life and finally I gained the courage to go back. I wanted to wake up next to him every morning for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t leave until I could do that.

I hoped that I wouldn’t be doing this for nothing, that there was still a spark with him. As the plane took off into the sky I watched LA fade into oblivion and soon I would be landing on foreign soil. Somewhere I promised I would never return to but it was worth it for him. I wasn’t sure what he was doing these days, what he looked like, how he was…I wasn’t even sure if he was still alive.

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I pulled the pea coat tight around myself as I stepped into the cold Finnish air. I rolled my large suitcase behind me.

An ear shattering squeal erupted through the air and within seconds a familiar pair of arms wrapped around me.

“Oh, Sarah, I thought you would never come back.” My mom said as she squeezed me tightly. I smiled and patted her back.

“We were so surprised when you said you were coming.” My dad said, he was the down to earth side of their relationship.

“Yeah, I missed it here.” I lied. My dad smiled, he knew I was lying.

“Aw! Well, I’m glad you came. We picked up your rental car this morning. He’s gonna take you to the cabin.” Mom said as she led me to the parking lot, her hand placed on my back like she knew that I would disappear if she let go of me.

“Your mother has to go back to the shop.” Dad said calmly, my mom on the other had sounded like she was going to have a stroke.

“Yeah, I should get going.” She said then stopped dead in her tracks and engulfed me in a smothering hug.

“Bye Mom, I’ll come by the shop tomorrow or something. I’d like to see how it is.” I smiled sympathetically, I hated going there. I would go to make her happy.

“Okay, see you then.” She said then left. I followed my dad to the car, it was a silver sedan, just like I wanted. He opened the trunk, took my suitcase, put it inside and close the lid. I got in on the passengers side as he got in on the drivers side.

He pulled out of the airport parking lot.

“You didn’t come here to see us.” He said simply, he always knew when I was less than truthful.

I hung my head caught in a lie, “No.”

“Why then?” He said, strategically maneuvering the vehicle along the busy roads in Helsinki. I secretly hated this place with all my heart.

“Take a wild guess.” I said as I rested my head against the window.

“You missed him, right?” He said softly. Tears begged me to release them, to break down, to finally show exactly how badly I was hurting but I couldn’t.

I just nodded.

“You’re gonna have to swallow your pride Sarah.” He spoke from years of wisdom.

I never said a word.

I heard about your regrets. I heard that you were feeling sorry. I heard from someone that you wish you would set things right between us. I guess I should’ve heard of that from you.