I'm Not OKay because You Don't Love Me.

Five years, that’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen her. How long ago she left me, with no warning, no explanation, not that I needed one. I knew why she left, and I wasn’t proud of it in the slightest. I didn’t treat her right. She wanted a man to love her unconditionally, a man who devoted every waking moment making her happy and being a friend to her, and man who put her over his friends or going out.

That was not the case with us. I loved her, but it wasn’t unconditional. I was there for her, but only when it suited my needs. My devotion went to something else, and for a while, she completely understood, but once my dreams started taking flight and I didn’t have to put as much into it, I couldn’t stop myself from devoting my time to my dreams.

We had married, but it wasn’t exactly the romantic wedding I wanted it to be. My love for her was only skin deep. She was gorgeous, and I was blinded by how hot her body and face was to see how ugly her soul really was.

My family had warned me about her, but I ignored the warnings. All I wanted was to be with her, but now it’s not the case. She left me, taking half of everything I owned. My house, my car, my dog. Everything that meant something to me before, she got, and all I was left with was a tiny apartment, and beat down Chevy Impala, and an alimony check that went to her every month.

I was in the living room of the apartment now, staring at the bare walls, thinking how my life became such hell. Thinking how I could let things get so out of control. The only thing I had in this barren hellhole of an apartment was a couch, a small television with basic channels, and a picture on a wall. At least I was able to keep this picture. It had more value to me than anything else had. My grandmother, the woman who inspired so much of my life. The one who supported everything I did, even my relationship with my ex wife. She never spoke bad of her, but then again she never spoke bad of anyone. She was the kindest, gentlest woman you could of met, and my dreams forced me to miss her death. I stared at the picture, my grandmother with me and my little brother.

He isn’t my little brother anymore though. He’s taller than me, and a lot more wiser. He saw what my marriage was long before anyone else saw it. He saw the sham it was from right from the beginning.

A knocking on the door brought me from my thoughts. I stood up and walked toward the door, looking out the peephole to see it was my brother, our friends standing right behind him. I sighed and looked around the bare apartment, knowing they would have to see it sometime, I just wasn’t ready for it. I just stared at them through the tiny window for a long time, none moving a muscle.

My little brother rang the doorbell, looking impatient.

“Gerard we know you’re in there,” he called through the door. “Your car’s out here in the parking lot. Open up.” I sighed, unlocking the deadbolt and slid the chain off, slowly opening the door for the group outside. I didn’t greet them with a hello or anything. I just hung my head and walked back to the couch, sitting in the exact spot I was in when they walked in.

“Damn Gerard,” Mikey mumbled, looking around the living room. I didn’t look up at him, but the tone of his voice told me he was as repulsed by this place as I was.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I said finally. “If any of you even fucking think about saying ‘I told you so,’ just get the hell out right now.”

“Dude, we’re not going to do that,” someone said. I knew the voice was Ray’s.

“Yeah,” Frank’s voice added. “We hate that we were right about her, that was the last thing we wanted.”

“We hate that you’re hurting bro,” Mikey said. “That’s why we’re here Gerard, we want to help you get back on your feet.”

“No one can help me,” I muttered, staring at the floor. “I have nothing in life anymore. My marriage is over, mom and dad disowned me after we eloped. What do I have anymore?”

“Us,” Bob replied. “Your brother, your friends, your band mates.” I snorted with laughter at the last description.

“Please, My Chemical Romance is dead Bob. I murdered it along with everything else.” I said, standing up and walking into the tiny kitchen. I reached into the cabinet and grabbed the only thing that seemed to make sense for me to have in it, a huge bottle of whiskey.

“Want some?” I asked my brother as I poured some into a glass.

“Gerard,” Mikey groaned as I took the shot. “This isn’t you Gerard. This isn’t my brother.”

“You know what?” I asked, turning to face him. “I’m not the same Gerard. Look the hell around you Michael. What the hell am I supposed to do?” I threw the glass in my hand at the wall, watching it shatter into hundreds of tiny pieces.

“You made a mistake Gerard,” Mikey snapped back at me. “We all make them. We learn from them and move on.”

“Stop being so fucking optimistic for 5 damn seconds Mikey,” I snapped, grabbing the whiskey bottle and walking toward the bedroom, which was completely empty of anything. “Just, leave me the hell alone.” I walked into the bedroom and slammed the door in Mikey’s face, locking the door so he couldn’t follow me in.

“You’re my brother Gerard,” Mikey’s voice said through the door. “I love you and I don’t want to see you like this, you know I don’t. You know you always have someone there for you. You say you have nothing, but you’re dead wrong. You have a brother out here still willing to help you. There’s 3 guys out here who feel like you’re a brother to them as well Gerard. We just want to see you back to your old self.” When I didn’t reply, I heard Mikey sigh as he walked back to the living room.

“Come on,” I heard him say. “We tried, that’s all we could do.” I heard the front door open, but it didn’t close for a long time. I sat on the floor, staring at the wall and drinking from the bottle. Finally, I got my nerve up enough. I stood up and walked into the bathroom, grabbing the razor that used to belong to my father.

I ran the blade over my wrist, gasping at the pain and the blood. I watched as the blood pooled on the floor, growing as more blood dripped. I felt myself get lightheaded, hoping this would be it. I felt myself falling, and floating at the same time. The bright light appeared before me, and instead of avoiding it, I embraced it.

~POV: Mikey~
“Hang on guys,” I said, getting out of the car.

“Mikey, he doesn’t want help.” Frank called after me.

“Something doesn’t feel right Frankie,” I called back, walking up to the door. I twisted the handle, and was surprised when it opened. I would of thought he would of locked it after we left. I walked to the bedroom, and found the door open and Gerard missing.

“Gerard?” I called, going to the kitchen. He wasn’t in there. He didn’t leave, we were sitting out in the car for a long time and we would of seen him leave. I ran to the bathroom, jiggling the handle. It was locked.

“Gerard, are you in there?” I called through the door. The only response I got was a moan. I pounded my hand on the door, but didn’t get a response from him. I didn’t notice Frank, Ray and Bob had walked back in until I Bob pushed me out of the way and threw his weight against the door. When he broke through, the first thing I noticed was the liquid red all over the floor, my brother in the middle of it.

“Gerard!” I shouted, pushing past Bob. Gerard’s eyes were closed and his face was paler than usual. I looked him over and found the source of the bleeding. His wrist had been sliced open.

“No, Gerard no.” I muttered, taking off my shirt. I placed it on his wrist, trying to stop the bleeding. “Call 911,” I snapped.

“Already did Mikey,” Frank said from behind me.

“Come on Gerard,” I muttered. “Don’t die on me you son of a bitch don’t even think about it.”

“The ambulance is coming,” Frank said, perking up as he heard sirens. I barely heard them. I felt my brother’s pulse get weaker and weaker by the second.

“Don’t leave me Gerard.” I muttered. “Please, don’t die on me.” The medics came in and ushered us out, removing my shirt to examine the damage. They got him onto a stretcher, a balloon hanging from his mouth to help oxygen get into his lungs.

“Let’s go Mikey,” Frank said, pushing me out of the apartment. We followed the ambulance to the hospital, where we were sent to a private waiting room.

“Mikey, settle down,” Frank said after a couple hours of waiting. I was pacing around the room, biting at my fingers and pulling at my hair. I stopped and looked at him just as a doctor walked into the room.

“Are any of you immediate family?” he asked.

“I am, you can talk in front of them too,” I said. The doctor nodded and sighed.

“We did everything we could,” he said finally. I felt my heart freeze mid beat. “Too much blood was lost, and we couldn’t replace it in time.”

“A-are you saying m-my brother’s…” I couldn’t say the word, but I knew he knew what I was saying. He nodded grimly.

“I’m sorry,” he said, walking from the room. I stared after him, tears flowing over my eyes. I finally collapsed to the ground, my breathing coming in great sobs.