I Don't Even Know His Name...

The silence in the room was deafening. Not one of us had dared say a word too scared to make the first move. It had been at least 3 minutes that had passed, it may not sound long but here it was torture. Nervous eyes darted around, each of us shifting around the room awkwardly, no-one willing to break the tension, I knew it was down to me, so with one last gulp of liquid confidence I was the one to answer Alex’s innocent question.

“Umm, well, it’s because, i-it is a very dark song Alex, I think it’s best if we wait a little bit till you’ve recovered before we show you that particular song.” Rian looked as if he could faint at any time due to the uneasy feelings spreading around the basement. Alex frowned deeply, lips pressed into a tight line whilst his eyes flicked across us all before staring profoundly at me.

“I think I can handle it, why would I have to wait to recover before hearing this anyway?” He put air brackets over the word “recover” confusion painted across his whole demeanour. Rian cleared his throat uncomfortably knowing I was the one left to break this to him. My heart was threatening to burst from my chest at any given time right now.

“It’s complicated Lex, I just don’t want to see you hurt again. You’re going through enough as it is” my sigh resonated around the space my hand running through my hair nervously. Alex stood up pushing his hands into his pockets along with the CD with eyes filled with conflicted emotions that were starting to surface.

“Why the hell would a song we wrote hurt me?” his voice carried an undertone of impatience waiting for an answer, no such luck.

“Well?” Zack finally helped me out cutting in to the edgy conversation.

“It’s a long story Alex, it was just very personal to you that’s all” Zack’s voice tried to sooth the increasing friction in the room only to spark his frustration even more.

“Well if it’s personal I think I have the right to know about my past, why are you guys trying to stop me?” the words came out harsh obviously aimed towards me.

“Because it’s too soon for you to go through it again” my hands managed to take the CD away from him in time, just adding fuel to the fire.

“What the fuck Jack?! Let me listen to the song!” he yelled stepping toe to toe to me, a cryptic black shining in his eyes. Rian stepped in grabbing his arms and pulling him back much to Alex’s dismay.

“Stop making this difficult Alex! If you listen to this it’s just going to make you even more depressed I can’t see you like that again!” my voice matched his volume through gritted teeth, he struggled against Rians grip.

“It’s my song, I want to listen to it! Just gimme the fucking CD back” I’ve known him long enough to know he rarely gets angry but when he does he goes off the walls. However I was far to riled up to think about that right now. Zack’s hand was on my shoulder holding me back from doing something stupid yet it didn’t have the same control over my mouth.

“No, I’m trying to help you and you can listen to it later, but not now” the growl of annoyance reverberated in his throat, his hand lunged to grab the case back a small crack could be heard from the now fractured plastic.

“Guy’s! Calm the fuck down! Zack’s parents will be back anytime now” poor Rian was trying his best to ease the escalating argument but it was futile.

“I don’t care,” Alex laughed darkly.

“You aren’t my mother Jack!” pausing managing a step forward so our eyes were ferociously locked.

“And if you don’t like it, tough shit,” he spat venomously combined with that god damn smirk it was enough to make me snap, pushing him back forcefully so he fell back against Rian.

“You know what? Do it! I don’t give a shit anymore, you don’t know how hard it is trying to protect you, don’t you think I fucking care about you Alex? I just don’t want this to happen again, you don’t understand how much it hurts me to see you in pain, but fine, if you wanna ruin everything right now, go ahead, it’s your choice.” I gulped suddenly aware of the fact I was shaking above him, my eyesight shrouded in red but my eyes blazing into his, while a tear slipped over my cheek.

“Just don’t expect me to be there to fucking pick up the pieces again” I hated the fact my voice shook like my body, everyone was staring at me dumbfounded. Why couldn’t he just listen to me? I know he was going to ask about it one day but couldn’t he just wait? The pain was unbearable; Zack didn’t even have the energy to hold me back as I grabbed my hoodie.

When I left I muttered under my breath, “I’m done” before showing myself out, slamming the door loudly behind me. I knew I would have to face Alex sometime soon as he is living with me at the moment. Right now I just wanted to be as far away from him as possible, walking aimlessly down various pavements. It feels like whatever I do it always seems to go wrong. Deep down my only wish was that he knew how much I felt for him. But this was the last time he hurt me. The harsh winds cut through my body, the lonely sound of my footsteps wondering alone in the backstreets. Though the bitter winds didn’t hurt anywhere near as much as the hollow ache in my chest. I’m done.