Status: If you haven't already please read the authors note in Chapter 46, just want to clarify things with you guys :)

I Don't Even Know His Name...

Chapter 19: Don't Treat This Like A Secret

Alex's POV:

Last night I barely got any sleep. I felt so mixed up for a few different reasons. I’m not naive I definitely know I’m not a virgin but I have forgotten what it’s like to be intimate with a person. So after last night every touch felt incredible like I had been craving that attention for so long. The problem was I didn’t want Jack to stop. And for the whole of last night I’ve been debating about it with myself. Do I like him more than a friend? Or are these feelings of lust not love? But it’s not the first time I’ve experienced odd feelings around him. Even when we are just talking the way he looks at me just makes my heart beat so loud I can hear it my ears. And when we hug I can feel myself instantly relax and this weird warm feeling in my stomach starts making itself known. Jeez it’s like I can still feel his hands all over me, not that I’m complaining, well actually I am.

Not only was I led there most of the time feeling confused and conflicted about my relationship with Jack but I was also insanely horny. Made worse with the feeling of his body heat so close to me. Then I felt horrible because I was lusting over my best friend, I mean seriously we’ve been friends for years! I couldn’t mess that up, not after all the things Jack has done for me. Overall it was pure torture, but with a lot of lip biting I managed to get at least a few hours sleep.

Yet here I am at half seven in the morning sitting at the edge of the bed the familiar feeling of watering eyes gracing me. Everything from yesterday started flooding back. How could I be so selfish? I’m so consumed with wanting Jack that I’d forgotten the fact that I just found out my only brother is dead. My head fell in my hands in shame, this is all my fault. If I hadn’t got in that argument with him he would still be alive right now. Why did he have to go? He didn’t even say goodbye, I guess I don’t deserve it, I don’t deserve anything. Right now I was so lost in my emotions I didn’t hear the squeak of the bedsprings beside me. It was only when I felt a pair of arms wrapped tightly around my waist when I realised Jack was very much awake.

“Morning” he stifled a yawn settling his chin on my shoulder. When I couldn’t help but sniffle he immediately darted off the bed and knelt in front of me taking both my hands in his.

“Lexi? What’s wrong?” the worry in his voice was evident making me feel worse. Gulping hard trying to rid myself of the lump that had found its way in my throat I looked away mumbling under my breath.

“It’s nothing...” Intertwining his fingers with my own he sighed softly.

“We both know that’s bullshit Alex” He paused before rubbing the backs of my hands with his thumbs slowly before continuing.

“I understand you went through a lot yesterday, but you know I’m always here for you right?” the reassurance I yearned for was evident in his voice, I could only nod in response trying to ignore the fact I could feel the tears start to spill.

“Do you want to talk about it?” his inquisitive whisper teamed with the feeling of his fingers brushing away the threatening tears was enough for me to break the walls that guarded my true emotions.

“It’s just, I feel like such an idiot Jack, no matter what happens I always seem to find a way to hurt the ones I love” Exhaling loudly I bit my lip my voice barely audible.

“First Daniel, now you” Almost immediately he sat beside me pulling me into a hug, more than willingly I welcomed his warm embrace.

“Hey, don’t say that, what happened between you and Daniel, happens between all brothers, we all fight over stupid things. But don’t ever think that was what made him do that. Or to think that it was your fault for what he did. It was his own personal decision and you shouldn’t feel guilty.” Pulling away his eyes burned into mine making my stomach flip uneasily.

“As for me, I will admit I was pissed yesterday when you did what you did, but I’m not hurt, the only time I was hurt was when I saw you upset. That’s the only thing that kills me, seeing you in pain.” Midway through his sentence his gaze wondered off to the window as if he was lost in memories from last night. It wasn’t long till he regained his focus, his eyes studied my face for a second inquisitively.

“That’s not the only thing on your mind is it?” my eyes widened, how did he know? Was I that easy to read?

“Is it that obvious?” the sentence came out more defeated then I had intended nevertheless Jack smiled.

“No, it’s because I’ve known you for so long I know when something’s on your mind” internally I was freaking out, how was going to explain that he was on my mind all night? Fuck I’m so screwed. It must have been obvious how uneasy I was seeing as I could feel myself tense more and more by the second whilst my fingers tugged idly at my hair. He caught on quickly.

“It’s okay, if you don’t want to talk about it then-”

“No it’s okay, I um have been thinking about you know what happened last night” the heat in my cheeks intensified I could also sense him shift uncomfortably.

“Oh yeah, that” scratching the back of his neck nervously it was clear I wasn’t the only one anxious about bringing the subject up.

“Look Alex, yesterday I crossed the line, I really shouldn’t have taken advantage of you when you were-”

“Taken advantage?” I cut in mildly bemused with his comment.

“Yes I shouldn’t have done what I did last night, you’re my best friend and I shouldn’t have gone as far as I did. To be honest if my parents didn’t come back...” Jack trailed off a deeper shade of red painted his cheekbones.

“You wouldn’t have stopped?” I finished for him the way he looked up at me I could tell there was regret in his eyes but I swear I saw more. This might be my only chance to tell him how I feel, I’m just going to suck it up and confront him. It can’t be that difficult.

“Jack, what happened yesterday, I didn’t feel taken advantage of, I felt” I hesitated feeling my heart beat into overdrive, I squeezed my eyes shut waiting for his reaction “loved” it was barely above a whisper but I could tell he heard it loud and clear, the silence urged me on to continue.

“I know you’re probably not going to talk to me after this but I just got to say this, it’s been fucking eating away at me for so long now. Ever since the first day I was in hospital there isn’t a day I don’t think about you.” I brushed my fringe out of my eyes still staring at the floor uneasily.

“You want to know why I looked at you so weirdly when I came around from my operation? It was because I remembered you Jack, everything, the day we met, pointless things like when we saw that god damn movie in 10th grade” I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself, that memory I always held close to me.

“You were the only one I remembered, I couldn’t even remember my parents, but I could remember you, and over the past few days I now realise why” it dawned on me that this was getting pretty emotional, when I dared to look up at him, those dark eyes of his were on the brink of crying. Sucking in a deep breath I mustered up the courage to carry on.

“It’s because all this time I was in denial, until today, I know now that it’s true” without thinking I scooted up closer to him leaning my head on to his shoulder before closing my eyes waiting for what was going to happen next.

“I love you Jack” it was as if time stopped altogether as soon as that sentence fell from my lips. After what seemed like a century of silence I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. Stupid fucking word vomit.

“I’m sorry I’ve kept this from you for so long, but I was scared that I would ruin the closest friendship I have ever had, and knowing that I would’ve screwed that up, I would never-” my eyes widened as a familiar warmth touched my lips, for a second my mind didn’t register that this was real. Until I felt a pair of hands on my waist and the sight of his crazy morning hair graced my now focused sight. Jack was kissing me. Whoa for fucks sake Gaskarth kiss him back!

That one voice in my head finally put my body into motion as I slowly closed my eyes moving my lips eagerly against his. My hands had found their way around his neck as if I needed to prove that he was actually there and I wasn’t in some insane dream. I smiled, I wasn’t dreaming, this is actually happening. With regret I pulled away our foreheads still pressed together and a smirk ever prominent on my face.

“You don’t know how long I’ve dreamed of this” he grinned his hand moved so it was resting on my cheek the intensity of his gaze had me transfixed.

“I’ve always loved you Alex, I just never had the guts to tell you, if you only knew how I felt when I was holding you in my arms the night you were shot. I thought that was it, I would never have an opportunity tell you how much you meant to me. If that had happened I don’t know what I would’ve done.” Small trails of tears were prominent on his skin; my hand itched to brush them away.

“Hey, you don’t need to think about that anymore, all that matters is that we are both here, together, where we're meant to be” I breathed playing with the hair on the back of his neck. Soon he looked back up at me a certain shyness evident in his gaze.

“So Lexi, will you be my boyfriend?” I wish I could have that on constant loop in my brain, that sentence will never get old to me. With a small smile I pulled him back into a long deep kiss both of us smiling throughout it. That intense feeling burned in the pit of my stomach as he pulled away a coy expression graced his features, an eyebrow cocked in surprise.

“Did that answer your question?” Laughing he tapped his chin with his finger feigning deep thought.

“Hmm I don’t think I quite caught that, I think you need to say it again” Really this boy was pushing his luck but after rolling my eyes I complied moving towards him to reward his mischievous comeback. Once I eased away I was quick to reaffirm my actions.

“That was a yes by the way, in case you missed that again.” Afterwards we spent a lot of time in each others embrace finally comforted in the fact that we both felt the same way about each other. Yet there was something on my mind that I needed to tell him.

“Jack there’s something I have to do today” brushing the hair out of my eyes he stared at me curiously. I knew it was going to be difficult but I knew I needed to do it.

“I need to visit Daniel.”
♠ ♠ ♠
2005 words oh yes longest chapter :D
Partly because this is pretty dialogue heavy but mainly because of all your insane comments on the last chapter, I wanted to write as much as possible :P
And I am on 9 stars now thanks to you guys, my feelings can be summarised as Alex would say "MIND FUCK" haha
Seriously huge love to you all <3
Each person in this list deserve some cyber cookies: Lotte_music, In A City Of Fools, FrEaK_oF_lIFe, Scream_tobeheard, Alvarittsixx, Ali'sHellzAngel, FueledByAmy, xerinxelizabethx17 and Supersonicskyline
Oh and finally Jalex is together! are you guys excited? Comments and subs are freakin' awesome xXx