I Don't Even Know His Name...

Jack completely understood why I wanted to do this, I know I only just found out about Daniel yesterday but I know deep down before I lost my memory I never truely got over his death. Today is the day I come to terms with him not being here anymore, and it's time to move on as best as I can from it.

Both me and Jack were sitting in his car making the short journey down to the graveyard next to the local church. Neither of us were talking yet the silence was comforting, it eased the anxiety of visiting him. I did what I do best, I zoned out, letting myself get lost in thought and in the current surroundings warping past the car window. On occasion my thoughts would wonder to that of the boy sat beside me, but it would soon turn to the fact that my brother was less than a few miles away. Although he seems so much further away from me than that. As we stopped at yet another red light I nearly jumped out of my skin as I felt a hand on my knee. He looked towards me judging by his expression he was definately nervous.

“Are you feeling okay Alex? You keep phasing out,” I sighed in response placing my own hand on top of his. The warmth of his fingers intertwining with mine settled me whilst I let my head fall back on the seat, eyes closed in consideration.

“I know, I just don’t know how to feel right now.” It was true it’s hard to explain how many emotions seem to be running through me right now. He nodded not wanting to push the subject any more than it needed and focused back on the road accelerating out of the small streets around us. No sooner had 5 minutes gone by when we arrived at the church, it felt like my heart dropped through the floor. Hesitantly I took in the surroundings wincing as the familiar dull colour of faded gravestones stood before me. I wish the ground could open up and swallow me whole, this place was my nightmare. With a click of the seatbelt Jack reached over to hold my hand tightly.

“Ready?” that whisper brought everything into prospective, my brother was right outside. I laughed nervously.

“Not at all,” I paused my gaze fell to my shoes “but I think I could pull through if you’re by my side” there was no response apart from a gentle kiss placed against my cheek, however that was all the reassurance I needed at that moment. Stepping outside my hands slid into my pockets pulling my hoodie as close to me as possible, desperate for some relief from the cold. Even though the sun seemed to hang proudly above us it offered no heat. The winds weren’t that strong but it was still bitter out here.

Though I smiled slightly at the feeling of a hand wrapping around my waist protectively. It might be cold but at least Jack was always warm. It was then that we began walking towards the church, each step sent my mind further into panic. Graveyards have to be one of the most depressing places a person could visit and now I have to venture in one, and relive all the pain I had the last time I was here. The nerves started to build when the shapes of various headstones came into view. The squeak of the old metal gate behind us also didn’t help the situation.

I remembered the first time I came here, the rain was relentless and so was my frustration. I refused to leave when my parents said it was time to go, I ended up lying beside his grave for hours on end, begging to feel some sort of reassurance. All I felt was guilt. Leaving him was the hardest, when I walked back home, it was like I was a shell, I felt empty. I recieved many weird looks from various people along my way, it didn't matter, nothing really mattered apart from the fact that he was gone. My clothes were drenched by the time I had reached his room. I simply took my shoes off and crawled into Daniel’s bed, desperate to cling on to any remind of him. Needless to say I didn't get any sleep that night. That was the last time I ever went in his room.

“Lex?” I blinked a few times before realising that I zoned out again but I came crashing into reality as I stared dumbfounded at the grave before me.

“We’re here,” he breathed quietly his grip tightening around me. The well-known sensation of searing heat shot across my spine, several images of that night pulsed violently in my head. I could feel him tense beside me he knew I was having flashbacks, I was quick to reassure him.

“It’s okay Jack, I wrote something for him,” I reached into my pockets pulling out a worn piece of paper holding it in my shaking hands.

“I want to finally get this off my chest and be ready to move on.” Jack slowly backed away giving me some space before I inhaled loudly beginning to read from the lines in front of me.

“Dear Dan,” I choked quietly at the mention of his old nickname taking a minute to collect myself before continuing.

“You have always been my inspiration, not only in music but most of all in life. You were the older brother every boy dreams of having, but only a few are lucky enough to have.” My voice was wavering the feeling of tears streamed down my face.

“I knew you would always look out for me, you were the one I trusted the most, I hope you know how much I love you for all the things you did for me, but that wasn’t good enough for you stay.” I gulped, some of the ink ran down the page from the recent teardrops.

“I hate the fact I can’t remember the good times we had, the memories I held close to me for so long have disappeared and I don’t think I’ll ever get them back. I couldn’t even remember I had a brother, I guess you’ve left me for so long that it seems like you were never here in the first place.” Trembling slightly I shook my head.

“Do you know how many times I’ve cried over you Dan? You left me in pieces and I still haven’t recovered, I don’t think I can ever be fixed. No amount of therapy could heal the damage you made when you abandoned me here. But deep down I always feel its myself to blame for what you did that night, and the guilt will forever be there. What also will always be there is an empty place in my heart, that won’t be filled. It’s a reminder to me that the ones you love are the hardest to let go, and in my case I will never fully be able to forget you Dan. And for that I don’t know whether to be grateful or to be upset. All I know is a part of me died with you and I won’t get that back. But you took something bigger with you, any recollection of our memories together. I hope you treasure them, because I know I would guard them with my life if I had them with me.” Kneeling down beside the gravestone I let my fingers trace the words one last time, my body began to feel weak.

“Please don’t forget about me, because I will never forget you. For me I can finally move on with my life now, although it won’t be the same without you. I won’t be able to have you as my best man, I won’t able to have you there to witness one of the greatest days of my life, only the thoughts of what could have been remain. But I guess you’ve already missed out on so much it won’t matter to you. Just watch over mum and dad for me, it’s the least you could do for the pain they’ve gone through. I miss you so fucking much Danny, but it’s finally time for me to say goodbye. I will always love you, and even though I don’t remember you, I will never forget you.” With that I let the violent sobs take over, Jack ran over to me pulling me towards him.

When I felt the paper slip from my hands I thought it would be instantly carried along with the wind but it settled on top of his grave. It rested there for a moment before it floated away and disappeared into the horizon. Although when I let the sheet fall from my hands I think with that I let go of a lot of hurt inside me. For the first time in so long I felt free again, and with Jack by my side, I was ready to move on.