I Don't Even Know His Name...

Alex’s POV:

First day of tour and I was literally shaking. The hours seemed to blur together as soon as we got on the bus. All I remember is being pushed and pulled in various directions, people fussing over me like it was life threatening if one hair was out of place. Jack was amongst the crowd of bustling faces that washed around me in a mix of excitement and nerves. Yet I favoured the latter emotion. Techies, band members, roadies, security and the occasional obsessive fan littered the dingy back area of the stage making me feel even more claustrophobic.

It just seemed everyone was constantly on a pace that I couldn’t possibly match, as if they were on fast forward whereas I was left somewhere behind in the aftermath. Like most of things I try to hide the confusion behind my smile hoping that people would give me some space if I said everything was fine. Of course I was happy to be doing what I love but my familiar adversary kept creeping into my mind, my nerves. The whole concept of tour was alien to me so when various electronics were being shoved in my direction I frowned feeling beleaguered to the extreme.

Thankfully Vinny was beside me and helped me set up some microphones onstage. Outside the excitement had reached fever point, various chants began to pound against the walls with malicious intensity. It seemed to resonate hard into my mind sending at least seven different images pounding deep into brain. The lightening speed of it all left me breathless and struggling to see anything clearly for a few seconds. At this point Vinny had gone to get help obviously sensing the distress that suffocated me.

Yet the memories were relentless in their quest to knock my confidence. Paramedics, falling, fucking up, panic. Panic, it imprinted deep into the whites of my eyes. By the time I heard others around me my arms were wound tight across my chest the shouts and screams of others bombarded my internal thoughts. I guess the pre-existing nerves that dwelled inside me began to spiral out of control. Teamed with the adrenaline it was a deadly combination.

It’s hard to explain what a panic attack feels like, but it’s as if your simply phasing in and out of what’s going on around you. The rest is consumed with blinding sharp edged images that hurtle past your eyes. At this point I just wanted everything to stop for good and to see beyond what was happening in my mind. Sometimes I felt people’s hands trying to pull me up, my back pressed against some kind of material. Hushed voices murmuring near me too scared to say anything else. My body on the other hand was rigid and completely unresponsive. Both my mind and my body were two separate entities at the moment, yet they were paralysed by the same feeling.

I was probably mumbling in complete incoherency or maybe screaming, I couldn’t tell anymore. But amongst the swirling of vivid colours a voice splits the ocean of uncertainty. It echoes in clarity, bringing a halt to the push and pull of the struggle deep within.

“Alex, please...” My spine burned as it brought my body to a sudden upright position, the artificial brightness of the outside world blurred into focus. My fingers were clutching tightly at the shoulder blades of my raven haired saviour, the whispers turning into loud intense calls of various names and cusses. With a determined effort my pupils began to register the worried faces of the people littered in the small backlit room. Especially of the guy with such blackened irises that sat above me.

Jack pulled me tight against his chest my unruly heart thrummed for a different reason. Around the room the fear seemed to settle among us even more so for the both us sat intertwined on the beat up couch.

“I thought I lost you.” Jack whispered softly voice cracked from the intensity of all the emotions that were left unspoken. The shudder that was brought about the small twitch in my spine slowly eased as I held onto him for dear life.

“I’m sorry I scared you.” Hearing the quiet uneven breathing of the boy in front of me scared me further, knowing that I was the one who brought about the anxiety within him. Yet the little bubble around us burst when the mutual feeling of relief washed over us all. Clearing his throat from the other side of the room a tired looking Matt glanced over to us.

“Alex, maybe this was a bad idea. This is obviously stressing you out-” I shook my head my eyes filling slightly in frustration.

“No, I want to do this Matt, please.” Getting up shakily with the help of my boyfriend various people shared doubting looks. This was a personal battle between myself and I wasn’t willing to give up now.

“I’ve had this condition for so long, and it’s beaten me time and time again.” Jack held onto my waist tightly hearing the anger lace my words.

“Tonight I am not letting it break me anymore.”