I Don't Even Know His Name...

Alex’s POV:

The day I had been slightly dreading had finally arrived, the doctor’s appointment. At the moment both me and Jack were sat in Matt’s car watching the scenery drearily pass us by. The radio was a soft hum compared to the questions buzzing in my mind. What if my memories getting worse? Will it always be like this? Will I need medication? I sighed, I’ve learnt my lesson from the day I had a panic attack before our show that it doesn’t do me well to dwell on my anxiety. It’s like an old habit that just eats away at you without you even acknowledging it. Yet the more I think about the positives in my life, the quicker my mind set shifts. Especially when I think about Jack, he’s more than I ever thought I deserved. I couldn’t help but smile as I let myself wonder into some of the past times we shared that I could actually recall. Even stupid stuff like playing Xbox in his room after school or going on long drives just for the hell of it. Those kind of images are so pointless to most people but to me? I’d rather give up everything then to let them go.

“Here we are, do you want me to come with you guys?” As we parked up into the all too familiar hospital complex it dawned on me how long it had been since my last visit. I didn’t know whether to be excited or terrified.

“You’ve done more than enough Matt, I’ll just text you once the whole check up is over with rather then you stress out in the waiting room.” An almost weary smile seemed to become him.

“You know I’ll never stop stressing over you, it’s my job remember?” Both of us chuckled at the remark, he was always more of a worried parent then just our friend and manager. But it also seemed that this whole event had taken a toll on him equally as much as it did for me and Jack. For that I felt guilty, I simply hoped that I wouldn’t burden anyone else for much longer. We both walked over to the hospital with the noise of Flyzik's beat up exhaust filling the comfortable silence between us. Our hands were interlinked tightly and when we approached the clinical sliding doors he squeezed reassuringly.

“You’re gunna be fine.” Somehow his voice still held the edge of uncertainty that gave away his hidden apprehension. Looking at the reflection of us both stood in front of the polished glass doors the simple image made me smile. Sure this ordeal has been horrible and frustrating yet out of something so painful, something beautiful has been created.

“No, I’m not, I’m gunna be better then fine.” Leaning on his shoulder he rested his head on top of mine.

“I’m gunna be myself again.”

The waiting was the worst. I finally understood what Jack had to go through the night this all happened. How the time passed so slowly was beyond me, all I knew was I never wanted to be in this depressing room of constant suffering ever again. The relief when the nurse called my name was indescribable and with a shared look of respite we walked down the white washed hallways of the hospital. Dr Berton greeted us at the door, a clipboard in hand with a welcoming smile adorning his wizened face.

“It’s good to see you again Mr Gaskarth, especially since the last time we met was during less then favorable conditions” I shook his hand gratefully before taking a seat in the middle of his office. The fact that I lost all motivation to converse was due to the display of several frighteningly graphic medical posters that was plastered on the wall in front of me. Not what I wanted to see when I was about to undergo a CT scan.

“Okay just a few routine questions to begin with” of course a few being a carefully constructed list of queries that were purposely designed to make you doubt your answers. Made worse only by the loud scrawling of the trainee nurse, the noise almost as irritating as the pop quiz from hell. Thankfully they were mainly focused on recalling past events which has become much easier for me nevertheless detail specifics were my downfall. Something I had to work on I guess.

“Alright Mr Gaskarth please follow me into the CT room and we’ll commence with the scan” Jack got up in response but was soon reprimanded.

“I’m sorry Jack, only practiced staff are allowed through, for health reasons of course” He nodded albeit an angered frown gracing him, although when he watched me leave he mouthed “good luck” in the most supportive way possible. Yet it’s hard to be reassured when you’re lying in the mouth of gigantic electronic ray dispenser. The destination? My brain. It didn’t hurt obviously it’s more of the fear of the unknown that struck me most. Especially when my only way to escape the fact that all this was happening was to grasp the bottom of my shirt, I knew then I had become pretty desperate. Just five more minutes and you can see Jack. My inner mantra appeared to do the trick as the deep hum of the machine slowly dissipated and Dr Berton soon arrived with the scans in his hand.

As we returned Jack tried to look like he didn’t spent the last few minutes fretting and wrapped his arm around me when I took my seat next to him. The trainee nurse who I’d yet to learn the name of carefully placed two large grey-scale replicas of my brain on the wall closest to us. She then moved out of the way before switching off the light giving us a better look at the pictures. In all honesty it didn’t really help; they both still looked the same to me. Dr Berton proceeded to hum under his breath as he reached over to point at a small area in the center of the skull.

“Well the hippo-campus has certainly reduced in swelling which is very encouraging.” I exhaled probably a little louder than I should but any news that sounded like I was getting back to normal was an absolute relief. He was noticeably not finished since he quickly motioned to a secondary area adjacent to the small gray one.

“It should be noted though that the temporal lobe still retains some preliminary damage.” I tensed instinctively rubbing the side of my forehead, as if that would somehow magically heal whatever damage I had there.

“So what does this all equate to Dr?” my voice wavered slightly but he smiled in response.

“Overall you have recovered quite miraculously Mr Gaskarth, however with a condition such as retrograde amnesia there is no cure.” That was one sentence I really didn’t want to hear.

“Due to the damage around the temporal lobe your memory will always be impaired. This does not mean you will have amnesia for the rest of your life. It will mean that there may be some memories you won’t be able to recall or that your recall speed will be slower than average. Other then that I feel confident in saying you have not sustained any other injury internally therefore you have no reason to be worried.”

I couldn’t get the word impaired out of my mind. Will I always be treated as impaired? All I wanted was to be independent again and not be compared to who I was before this accident. The unsettling feeling wouldn’t leave me even when Dr Berton and the nurse did. I let my head rest on my hands for a minute or two so I could process the news in relative silence.

“Impaired” I whispered, the mere sound of it frightened me.

“Hey, listen to me.” Jack pulled my wrist in order for me to look him directly in the eye.

“Just because you can’t remember one certain time in your life does not in any way make you stupid or impaired or whatever you think you are." At this point his darkened eyes filled slightly in either frustration or sadness.

"You are Alex, the guy I played Pokemon with in 6th grade. The guy who became my boyfriend and in ten years time you will still be the person I fell in love with. Having flaws is being human and learning to accept them is part of the process.” He reached over the plastic white chair to pull me into loving if not awkward embrace.

“Nothing will make me love you less and now? Now is the time you start seeing that too”