School Will Never Be the Same

The ride to his house was anything but comfortable. I kept imagining him kissing me over and over again. All I could think about was the way it felt. And the fact he seemed to want to kiss me. And the way his arms felt wrapped around my waist. Now I had kissed him once I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to feel his arms around me again. Although I knew that he may want to never see me again, but just wanted to tell me in private. I tried not to think about that and focus on what had already happened, I didn’t want the memory to fade.

He was still a gentleman and opened my door for me when we got to his house. He led me by my hand into his house, flipping on lights and leading me to his front room. He gestured for me to take a seat on his sofa.

“Coffee?”

“Please,” I was left by myself in his front room. It was average size for this neighbourhood, his walls were white and all his furniture was either black or a dark brown. It was very modern which is something I didn’t expect from him. I had a suspicion that this wasn’t the case with the rest of his house. His TV was attached above his fireplace, which wasn’t lit. Place on the mantle above the fire place were several pictures. I wandered over there to take a peak, hoping he wouldn’t catch me nosing around his house. But I couldn’t resist seeing that part of his life. I may never get another chance. All the frames were different, all the pictures were from different points, most taken in New Jersey, none of the backgrounds looked like England. One picture was of a wedding, it was an old black and white picture and the groom looked like an older Gerard, I guess these were his parents. There were a few baby pictures and a few family portraits one as two children as babies then teenagers and then young twenties. Gerard was one of the children. The other wore glasses and was skinnier and taller than Gerard. One picture was Gerard and who I assumed was his brother, the guy with the glasses the other pictures. The final picture was of Gerard, the assumed brother and an older grey haired lady in between them.

“That’s my brother Mikey and I with our grandmother. She died a couple of years ago.” I turned around at the sound of his voice scared of what he would think of me looking at his family snaps. “It’s ok I don’t mind you looking.” I sighed a sigh of relief and wondered back to me seat and picked up my coffee. He sat next to me, but we weren’t close enough to be touching. “My grandmother taught me everything I know, she got me into art, when I was little she got me into singing. I miss her a lot.” I wanted to reach out and give him a reassuring touch or a hug, but after recent affairs I thought it best to hold back until we talk or something, know where we both stand that sort of thing.

“I never knew mine.”

“Wow, me and you must have had complete different up bringing, you don’t have siblings or grandmothers, I couldn’t imagine growing up like that.” He was thinking allowed, his eyes drifted to the pictures. “But that isn’t what I brought you here to talk about. I think after the mistletoe we need to have an honest conversation about Us and what we’re going to do now.” I nodded. “Do you want to go first?” Ever the gentleman.

“I guess. But just remember I understand if you don’t feel the same way. And don’t interrupt.” He nodded. Keeping on a poker face. “I think of my brain as being in two parts. There’s the rational part that doesn’t build up hope, it knows that some of the things I think are wrong and I try to make it the dominant part. It’s the part which rules me when I am around you. Unless… Well unless you give the irrational part fuel for it’s fire. The irrational part is the part which believes things like love conquers all and anything is possible if you believe. Anyways that part has a major crush on you and that part has hoped for a long time that the possibility that you feel the same way is a possibility. Oh and the rational part does have a crush on you it just knows that nothing can ever happen.” When I finished Gerard’s face still hadn’t changed.

“Are you saying that you don’t want anything to happen between us?” He asked leaning forwards a little.

“I'm not answering anything until you tell your side. Until I know where you stand.” I said. Stubbornness is something I got from my dad.

“Ok. I took a job here never thinking I would be one of those teachers. You know the ones you hear on the news, who get put in jail for having a relationship with their students. But when I met you I had to allow myself to think that could happen. Although I didn’t act on that. I didn’t think you would look at a goofy guy like me and imagine your next boyfriend. And then came the day I saw Max and you in the corridor.” I saw his hands curl into fists. “I wanted to rip him to pieces. That’s when I thought I would be one of those teachers. But when I saw you, scared and I know you may not admit it but you were scared and shocked, I knew that my priority was to take care of you, not him. It reminded of Edward Cullen in that chapter of twilight. I couldn’t reason with myself why, why I felt so angry. I convinced myself that it was because I was a gentleman and don’t like women to be treated that way and I didn’t like the way he made you felt. But the real reason was because I have feelings for you.” He took a couple of breaths, trying to analyze my reaction.

When he realised I was keeping a poker face he continued. “And then we started doing other things. I even saw your bedroom. We got closer I guess and now I don’t know what we’re going to do but I know I want to at least try and act on my feelings for you.” His hand was now on top of mine, his thumb stroked my hand. “But I am happy for out relationship to return to merely student teacher if that’s not something you want.”

I shook my head.

“No it’s what the irrational part of my brain wants. It’s what I want. I just don’t know how we could make it work. Like I’ve told you before I’ve never been in a relationship that’s good for me. And I don’t know if this one would be any different.”

“Well I can promise you that, I won’t hurt you, I'm a gentleman and I won’t get you into any trouble. For now no one has to know and it doesn’t have to be anything too serious.” I nodded in agreement. Gerard leant forwards and kissed my cheek softly. “Now come on, I need to get you home.” We walked out to his car hand in hand.

“So, you know when you cam round in the thunderstorm. Were you the one who carried me upstairs?” I asked as we walked. He nodded. “And I have been wondering this bit for a while. Did you really kiss me on head or was that a dream? Because the two parts of my brain have been having a debate about that since it happened.”

“Oh that was real,” he opened my door for me. “I thought you were asleep though.” He shut my door and walked round to his side. “I couldn’t resist, you look so cute asleep.”