Lock Down

She hadn't ever thought she'd feel some wave of sadness like this from someone she had thought cared so much about her. He hadn't like her in such a way so he had said. But he stayed to help her and to hold her as she cried. She didn't know why, it confused her the most. She had thought that he didn't like to be around her at all. The truth was that he wasn't sure if he would be able to handle that kind of pressure of another relationship. Crow didn't want to be an ass to her but it was a little easier than trying to explain to her that he still felt society's eye on him. He knew that they wouldn't be able to be seen in public with doing any kind of 'Public Displays of Affection' because he'd be arrested, even though he was seventeen and Fiction was only fifteen. That was merely only a two years difference but so many people seen it as a wrong thing, because he was a 'bad person' for going to jail twice for standing up for what he believed to be right.

Fiction was still undressed, beneath the blanket. But she had wrapped herself up in it before she leaned into Crow's chest and cried. She hated him, inwardly, but then didn't, because she still loved him. He still cared for her and kept her in his arms even after what he had said to her. The only things that were heard were the sniffling and whimpering of Fiction's crying and Crow's calm breathing. After a while, she had calmed down enough to just sniffles, glaring a little to the wall as she wanted to hurt him, she wanted to hurt him really bad, but she also just wanted to be held by him too. Lost between her choices to make she sighed from her nose and nuzzled his chest a little, snuggling in closer to his body as his hand gently rubbed her bare back to keep her calm.

"Fiction, I don't want you to be mad with me at all… I do care for you… as I have said, but in a different sort of way." He was lying, he did love her, but he couldn't tell her that. He found it a little too wrong to be passing around since everyone already thought that they were dating, and in some way in his mind he figured it to be better to prove society wrong. That was his ego speaking to him, and he dismissed it. Because to him, right now Arin Miel's feelings meant more to him, and he wanted to make her feel better, but he couldn't just up and tell her that he loved her. Because she'd be pissed off for changing his mind so quickly, and wouldn't believe him.

"I know… in a… in a different sort of way…" Fiction mumbled in reply, letting him know that she understood as she wiped her cheeks clear for the umpteenth time. "I'm sorry that I asked… I shouldn't have… this is just going to fuck everything up now…" She mumbled, leaning away from him and fixing the blanket over her body so he couldn't take a peek at her, but Crow's hand stopped her from getting too far. Touching her back to gently coax her back into his arms.

"No no no, Fiction don't think like that… you know that you didn't do anything wrong at all… and that this is just my mind… and my thoughts… If perhaps we were in a different place I'd kiss you, but-"

"That's such a dick thing to say! Say that you'd probably kiss me if you had the chance to… if we were in a different place… I can accept that you don't like me Nikolai but you don't have to give me the hopes of 'what ifs' and 'if we were in a different place'… That's just fucking with my feelings and you know that!" Fiction had snapped, and Crow knew because she had used his actual birth name. He went quiet, letting her get up from the bed with his blanket still around her. She grabbed the sweater and boxers that he had given her and watched as she left the room, slamming the door behind herself.

Crow sighed from his nose then, running his fingers through his hair. He looked around, shaking his head a little to himself, to the way he acted. "Fucking Nikolai you dick…" He muttered, agreeing with what Fiction had said to him. He had only really wanted to make her feel better, calm her mind with the 'what ifs' but he should have known better then to think her of a naïve little girl.

He listened to her cry a little more out in the small living room he had in his apartment. Feeling his gut twisting with guilt he knew he couldn't go out there right now until she calmed down. He didn't want to escalate anything, and he knew if he waited that would give him time to think up of something good to tell her to make her feel a little better.

"Perhaps either just telling her the truth… or just forgetting the conversation ever happened are my best bets… Though she'd probably get angry at me again either way… Think I'm lying for the first just to make her feel better then think I'm more of a dick for trying to forget this even happened…" Crow sighed, realizing what big of a fuck up he had just made right now. He leaned against the wall of that his bed was against, looking down to his shirt and feeling over the darkened spot on the dark green fabric that was damp from her tears. He felt another guilt trip coming along soon after that one, and he sighed heavily from his mouth.

He ran his fingers through his hair again and looked over to his door as he tried to think of some other kind of approach. He figured that if he went out there that she would just simply run away from him and find some other place to hide in his apartment or catch a bus back over to her father's place which he would rather not from that phone call he had given him not all too long ago while they were in the barn. That scared him a little, since he had a feeling that Fiction may take that path. So he got to his feet in fear that she'd leave, and leave him alone, and go to a place where she wasn't safe and got beaten often, he didn't like her father one bit, and would rather her live here with him but he wasn't a legal adult yet.

He walked over to the door, opening it slowly he looked out to Fiction curled up on his couch in a ball wearing his sweater and boxers with the blanket in her arms. She was fiddling with the sleeves with a soft, lost, hurt expression in her green eyes. As if she wanted to love him, but she knew she couldn't and his clothes were as close as she was going to get to him.

"Fiction…?" He asked softly, walking a little into the living room he watched her expression turn from what it was, to a hurt glare. Butters was at her feet still asleep.

"What…?" She asked coldly, it tied the knot tighter in Crow's stomach tighter, but he put on his man pants and walked over to her, going down on his knees near her head to look to her face as her head rested on her arm like a make shift pillow. Almost using the blanket as a shield against him, and his words.

"I'm sorry, Arin… I really am… I don't want you to leave here at all… you know that I enjoy your company and I cherish it and I-"

"Just… just stop, Crow… stop…" Fiction sighed from her nose, and Crow closed his mouth. Licking his lips as he kept his head lowered. "I don't care… I thought that you liked me but that's fine… I was wrong… I can accept that… Just… let's just pretend that it never happened… that conversation… okay? Just… let's forget." Fiction mumbled. "I don't want to be mad at you…" Her head lifted to look to his face, her pastel green eyes going soft again as Crow's lips pulled into a soft smile. Giving his head a nod before he moved the blanket to lay it over her gently.

"Okay, whatever you wish to do, I'll do it. I'll forget that conversation had ever happened." He touched his head then gestured pulling something out of it before pretending to make it explode. "There, all gone." He gave a silly smile, which made Fiction giggle weakly before blushing softly, and her smile stayed. Crow felt a relief wash over him. "Is there anything you'd like to do?" He asked her softly, watching as Fiction shook her head a little, then looked down as her stomach gave a whine.

"Actually… do you have any food here…? That… isn't like really old?" She asked, blinking a little as she looked to his face, curious because he usually didn't buy groceries that often, and was one not to care about the expirey date on things.

"Well, I can make us up some instant noodles if you really want some? Our little Butters is probably still rather hungry, don't you think? Perhaps she's old enough for some puppy chow."

"You still have some of that stuff?" Fiction asked as she sat up on the couch. Knowing that before they had found a dog older the Butters and took care of it for a while before someone else had come to adopt the puppy from them since it was in need of a good home, and Crow wasn't financially stable at the time to do such.

"Yeah, we only had the puppy for a week, and I got a little too many cans of the stuff. You stay here with Butters and I'll go and get everything ready alright?" He said softly, stroking her head gently he then moved around the couch to go to the kitchen.

Fiction watched as he moved around to the kitchen, leaning into the side of the couch she moved Butters into her lap to stroke her head gently. Cuddling her small warm body to her chest in a tender fashion as she gently played with her small floppy ears. Closing her eyes she frowned a little, still feeling a little hurt by Nikolai's words, but she knew she'd end up getting over it, eventually, when ever that was going to be.

She sighed softly from her nose as she listened to him getting out three bowls then fill the kettle with water. Listening to him open the packages of the noodles and seasoning to put on before she heard him open the can of puppy chow to pour into the other bowl. All three bowls sounded like glass to her, and to her surprise, they were when he brought around the bowl of puppy chow watered down so it would be easier for Butters to eat.

"I have her food, it isn't a lot, since I don't want her to over eat. That isn't healthy. The kettle will whistle when the time comes to pour the water in the noodles." He explained, since it cost less money using the kettle then to put on the stove to make them in a pot. Fiction gave her head a nod in understanding but she kept a pretty quiet as Butters lifted her head to waddle on her clumsy paws over to the bowl he had laid on Fiction's lap. "Just make sure she doesn't eat too fast… okay?" He asked softly, waiting to see her head nod again before she muttered an okay and walked back to the kitchen.

Even though she had asked him to completely forget that the conversation had never happened, he still felt like it had. Of course, you couldn't ever actually really erase someone's memory of an event unless you hit their head hard enough, but he knew he would never do that to Fiction. He couldn't ever hurt her.

He listened to her talk in whispers to Butters, unable to make out what she was saying exactly but he could tell that it was some things about him, not that he minded really. He half deserved them. Or perhaps, fully deserved everything she may be saying about him. Let it be negative, or positive, he knew he deserved it on how he had treated the girl who meant so much to him. His head turned then when the kettle started to whistle. Sighing a little from his nose, slightly relieved. He unplugged it and brought it over to the bowls to pour the right amount of water inside so the noodles would heat up soften.

He grabbed forks then for the both of them, putting them into the bowls to keep the noodles from floating in the water so they'd stayed submerged for the whole time and cook, or well, soften faster. He left the bowls on his small counter before he walked into the living room to bring over two TV trays. Bringing one up to Fiction and one on the other side of the couch for himself he went back into the kitchen to grab the bowls of noodles and bring them in. Setting Fiction's down on her TV tray gently.

"Just have to let it soften now… then it'll be good. Shouldn't be all too long." He explained as softly as possible. Bringing his bowl over to the TV tray he set out for himself.

"I know how noodles work, Crow…" She said quickly after with little to no emotion. She was more interested in watching Butters eat up the rest of her puppy chow before she took the bowl away from the pup when she was done and set it on the floor. Holding Butters in her lap.

Crow didn't say anything after that, he just decided to give up for now. Reaching for the remote, he turned on the TV and sighed a little from his nose as he put on the movie channel. The first Jurassic Park movie was on, so he left it on. Not caring about what to watch so he left the TV remote in the middle between them if Fiction wanted to change the channel.

Didn't she say before that she didn't want to be mad at him? Perhaps she did, that she didn't want to be mad, but she was mad either way. Crow rolled his eyes a little with another sigh, bringing his noodles onto his lap to part them with his fork and watch the steam rise, turning his head to look to Fiction to try and start another conversation. "This should make you feel warmer… If you're still cold from the rain."

She nodded her head, looking to her bowl as she played with the noodles. Crow was beginning to think that she had only wanted the food so they didn't have a reason to talk at all because they'd be eating. Sighing again, Crow turned his head back to watch the movie. Leaning more back into the couch once he felt his noodles were soft enough. His fork moved in a circular motion to wrap them around his fork before he slurped them into his mouth. Trying to focus more on the movie then who was sitting beside him, even though he really wanted to have a heart to heart conversation with her, he knew he had wounded her heart… and she wasn't planning on opening it up to him again anytime soon.

'You fucked up big time there, Nikolai….' He thought to himself, moving to relax a bit more and look to her from the corner of his eye. He seen that she was semi eating. She was doing it slowly, and was focusing on the movie just like he was. He knew there was something on her mind, and he had a feeling of what it was, but he wasn't going to ask her about it. That'd be like kicking her when she's down. He just couldn't.

"Arin…. I'm-"

"STOP!... Apologizing, Crow…." She snapped at her first word, then said the other two a bit more softly. Bringing her hand up to rub her head as her brows arched. Exhaling a soft shake, she stayed in the same position for the longest time; her body leaning forward, shoulders slumped, and head cradled in her palms. Crow watched, his own brows arching. His hand reached out to touch her but she slapped it away. He was persistent; reaching out for her again she pushed his hand away that time rather than slapping it. "Crow I don't want you to touch me…" She mumbled, her voice a little choked as she spoke.

"Arin…." He touched her shoulder again, gently. Glad to see that she didn't push him away this time, but rather put her bowl on the TV tray and moved in closer to him, leaning into his chest as she started to cry again, finding comfort in someone who hurt her… she found it strange in its own way. Crow put his arm around her, holding her close against him and rubbing her back, starting to sing a soft song to her in his husky, leathery like vocals that were soft to the ear. One hand only left her to turn off the TV so there was less noise in the room, letting her focus on the lull of his voice; holding her in his arms until she cried herself to sleep.

Fiction was unable to finish her supper, as was Crow. He didn't want to move to upset her sleep. Finally seeing her some sort of peace. Butters was in front of her, laying on the couch sprawled out like a puppy carpet. He smiled softly, watching Fiction and Butters as they slept. Then he turned the movie back on to keep himself entertained so he wouldn't fall back asleep again from the sleep catching onto him. He knew Fiction would still be mildly upset with him once she had awoken… but at least she would be less upset then she was before she had fallen asleep, so he hoped.