Celski Undeniably Meltski My Soulski

I'm laying on my bed thinking about yesterday night. Each building was having a party and that meant underage drinking. Even though it's not allowed, nobody was really doing anything about it.

My mind was in a fog though. I drank myself into oblivion and could only remember resting on JR's shoulder before blacking out. I hope we didn't do the due. That's something I want to be sober for. I want to remember his hips thrusting into me and making me scream out "DADDY!" I could just picture it now: his tongue hanging out so he could get more air because we're breathing so hard that all the air in the room became dense and stuff. His hands are reaching for the headboard so he can go deeper and deeper. The bedsprings are creaking louder with each thrust. The pounding on the wall from my other roomates slowly fading away from the pounding of the bed against the wall. Ah, the smell of post-coitus was like my Victoria Secret's - Secret Crush body lotion.

I got out of my bed even though I had a terrible headache. I grabbed my shower essentials and hopped into the co-ed bathroom. I tried not looking at my floormates because they were so new and strange. Honestly, I didn't want to talk to anybody with my vomit breath.

When I entered the room, I could see Mike standing outside my door with JR. Thank god, I was in a bathrobe. I mean, I had really big melons and if I had just wrapped a towel around, it would've found its way to the floor. I'm glad I made a smart move.

"Missed me much?" I said looking at JR from the corner of my eyes. I flirted with him because he was just so fragile. I wanted to cradle him and tuck him in at night. But I know there's a beast lurkng inside waiting to be unleashed. I know of this from experience.

"Wait for me in the lounge area while I get ready."

"We're starving," Mike said to me. "We thought you might want to come with us too so you're not too lonely."

"Give me 15 minutes. That's it and then we can leave. I promise, I won't put on too much makeup."

"You don't need makeup." JR said.

Woow, can he get any cheesier? Is this his way of flirting with me?

"Well thank you, big boy. Lemme know what I can do to return that compliment." I winked.
He couldn't respond. I could only imagine that his anchor was ready to enter the dark, deep pits of my ocean floor. It felt glorious that JR was starting to find my bait. That way I could hook, line, and sink his innocence and teach him how to be a REAL man.

We found our way to the Cal dining area. There wasn't a lot of people around because it was almost the end of breakfast time. I was feeling ill so I just grabbed a bagel, cream cheese, and an orange juice. The tanginess of the orange juice felt so good in my throat. It felt like medicine to the toxic liquid I was drinking last night.

"So what do you guys want to do?" JR said.

I looked around the dining area. I could see all the eyes on my man. This group of Asian girls sitting behind JR was subtly pointing to us and looking away everytime I tried to make eye contact with them. Look at them, they think they're so hot. Do they even go here? Some of them looked like they were 12! And my god, the amount of money wasted on their hair dye is enough to feed an African tribe for the next 5 years. Just to stir a little trouble, I told JR to look behind him and wave.

He did exactly that. He smiled and even blew them a small kiss. He turned back to face me with the biggest smile.

"It's not easy being me!" JR commented on his recent fame.

"Oh really? I love that you have paparrazzi hanging out at every place." I pointed outside to the lonely street.

JR just laughed. Yeah, nobody in Berkeley really cared about him. It was just the creepy, stalking fangirls who didn't know how to act around him. Sure, like I said, I Twitter-stalked him but it's not like I lost my cool in front of him when I first met him.

Seriously, if Apolo Ohno walked in through the door and I had cream cheese on my face, I would just wipe it with my index finger and seductively lick it off. Before I could even take my finger out of my mouth, Apolo would just lick the rest of the cream cheese off of my face and say: "AWESOMESAUCE!"

"Um, Kris."

"Yeah?"

"You're drooling."

WTF! I hid my face with my left hand and quickly grabbed a napkin with my right. The boys were now laughing at me.

"I hate you guys!"

"Well you looked like you were concentrating on a fly on the back wall. We didn't want to ruin it for you."

"STFU! It's not funny. Now, people who just saw me drool are going to think I'm a drooler in real life." I'd rather just be known to unintentionally drool while eating a banana and on my pillow at night.

"Our floormate was telling me there's another party happening tonight but it's at a Frat." JR broke the awkward conversation.

"Uck, I don't know if I want to go tonight," I said being partially honest. "I'm a bit tired and my head feels like a midget broke into my room and beat my skull in with a lobster while I was passed out."

JR and Mike started to laugh. It wasn't like their normal laughs, this was much deeper like they were making fun of me.

"What?" I eyed them.

Mike turned to JR who nodded his head and said, "You should've seen yourself. You looked like such a slorebag."

Slorebag? What are you Mike?! Too gay to function now?

"Yeah, you were trying to give Mike a striptease."

"WHAT?" I turned to Mike. The thought that crept into my brain violated every cell of my body. Mike was my first cousin! Why wasn't I giving a striptease to JR? This was giving me a load of mindfuk!

We're walking back to our building but I was too shocked to say anything. Suddenly, I stopped and realized that I should take a picture with my iPhone and send one to my parents so they wouldn't nag later that night. As I reached for my phone, I noticed 3 missed calls and 10 text messages.

They were all from my parents.

One read: Honey, are you alright? Another: Kris, what are you doing? And the last one I read: Kris, your mother and I are very upset with you! These are inappropriate.

What are they talking about? I scrolled down to the very first text and noticed that I had sent picture attachments of my drunken self. My hipster undie was hanging out of my jeggings and I was only wear a bra. Then I finally noticed the two pics I had attached! I slapped my forehead in embarrassment and started walking behind the boys.

There I was all lain across the table like a sushi roll. The first picture was of some heavyset dude pouring some alcohol on my body while some unshaven hippie was licking it off of my body. The very last picture was of the same unshaven hippie doing a body shot on my melons. He huge mouth engulfed the shot glass and I could see his hips slowly skinning my breasts. I felt violated, destroyed, used up. However, it was the same feeling I had when I was devirginized by my first boyfriend Aaron Carter at age 15.

THIS, was the effect of alcohol. I was so appalled, I wanted to take JR's skates and cut my wrists. Then I saw JR turn to look at me. He stopped walking and made the same expression while throwing his hands up!

"On 2nd thought, I could really use a shot tonight." I said to JR.

Mike looked at me and joyously celebrated my change of mind.

I had just noticed how fugly his white RayBans were on him. He was two shades darker than JR but it still made him look as pretentious as Gabe Saporta and as ridiculous as a 3Oh!3 song. That was enough to make me forget my embarrassment from last night.