Celski Undeniably Meltski My Soulski

"Don't want no money (your money).
Just want your sex (want your sex)."

Lady Gaga was playing on my iPod while I was half listening to my English professor explain his guidelines for the semester. JR and Mike were sitting three rows in back of me because they were late doing God-knows what.

"Take a bite of my bad girl meat."

Oh Lady Gaga, you have no clue how I feel. I turned back to look at JR. He gave me a wide smile and showed me those beautiful teeth of his. They were so bright, so clean, so white that I thought Castiel was in the form of his teeth.

JR informed me on Wednesday night that his speedskating friends were going to visit him this weekend so he wouldn't feel too homesick. I got so excited, my nipples went hard.

(Flashback)

"The tall guy, his name is Travis Jayner. He's from Canada and speaks fluent French -"

Hold up! I looked at JR's screen. It felt like time froze or something because when I turned to look at JR, his face was all in slow mo. He looked like he was jizzing. This DIRTY HIPSTER could speak French? Where do you breed these kinds of genes? When and how can I get some? I'm back to staring at JR's screen just to scan his face into my memory.

"The Asian guy is Simon Cho, he's like a year younger than me. This guy is Jordan Malone."

JR opened up a never-before-seen photo of him and Apolo. Goodness, Apolo was looking smoother than a baby's bottom. I liked how everytime I saw a picture of him, I wanted to squeal like a pig. I imagined it was the same effect as visiting the Eiffel Tower for the first time and taking a cheesy picture of yourself jumping in front of it. My love for Apolo will always surpass my vibes for JR because honestly, if Apolo isn't in you, you haven't been baptized correctly.

"Can we go back to Travis for a minute? If he's from Canada why is he competing for the US?"

"He was eligible to compete for the US because of his dual citizenship. The US national speedskating association wanted him on the team and after winning his some races, he was ineligible to compete for Canada. I'm not too sure if that's the correct story though."

"Oh cool."

(Real life)

Our last class ended and we're walking back to Mike's car. How come I didn't see it before? Mike drove a white VW Jetta (it wasn't exactly the manliest vehicle on Earth) that was given to him by his mother. He always had those strawberry scented fragrance on the dashboard and was very anal about dirty feet.

He dropped us off and headed home to San Jose. He never told me why he wasn't staying around but if any one of JR's speedskating friends were gay, he was missing out big time!

"When are they arriving?"

"Travis said they're close to this one bridge."

"Bay Bridge?"

"No."

"San Mateo Bridge?"

"No."

"The one bridge you pass to go to Six Flags?"

JR looked at me and said, "Have you forgotten I'm not from around here?"

"Oh."

"They're kinda excited to meet you."

"Cool."

A soft knock broke our conversation. I went to open the door only to be frightened by Samelly's face. She looked like Snooki on meth. Her bad dye job was starting to show the bleaching; it was either that or a pelican shatted on her head.

"Ew bitch, what are you doing here?" She asked.

"Sharpening JR's blades to cut a bitch later," I scorned at her.

"Is he here?" She slammed the door back with such a force field I thought Yoda was about jump out from behind her. It's one thing to take on a slut like Samelly but it's another thing to fuck around with a deformed leprechaun with supernatural powers. I couldn't even imagine the type of mindfuck he'll do to me without cringing.

"Hey Samelly," JR said calmly standing right next to me.

"I heard some of your friends are coming over tonight."

He chuckled a bit, "Uh, yeah."

"So um, there's a party tonight at a soriority. It's called the Garden of Eden. Do you think you're gonna drop by?"

"Yeah, sure."

I stared at JR angrily. FUUUUUUUUU is all I thought.

Still looking at JR, I slammed the door on Samelly's face.

"You're feeding the troll."

He laughed.

"She's so slutty, she must have a dildo inside her 25/8," I continued.

"Why are you so mean to her? Is there a particular reason?"

(Flashback to a year ago)

"Shaun, get up off your ass and make me a sandwich."

"God, you're such a dirty whore."

"At least I don't have crabs."

"WTF," he said looking at me with his face all scrunched up. "I don't have crabs."

"You ate some last night."

"Kris, shut up you're so immature."

"I'm immature?" I retorted back to him. "The last time I checked I was the one going to college and getting a degree. Also, I'm the only child in this family that isn't smoking a bong while jacking off in the bathroom."

His eyes widened.

"Or so I've heard from Jacob," I added.

Shaun's a year younger than me and honestly doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. He jokes about becoming some extreme athlete but we just laugh at his face. "Show us or it's never happening" was my parents motto and because of Shaun's major laziness, it wasn't surprising my parents shot him down.

He got up and said, "I better get going. I'm taking some girl out tonight."

"So you can lick the warts on her hymen thinking it was strawberry jam from last night?" I laughed deeply.

"Whatever. It's Samelly."

"Who's that?"

"She's from your grade."

"We only have 80 graduating seniors. Remind me!"

"Kinda short, she lost a lot of weight during freshman year, long blonde hair, always tan." Then Shaun did the stupidest thing in the world: he made the shape of a bottle in reference to her maturing body.

"Are you talking about the girl who gives blowjobs for some weed?"

He pointed at me. "YEAAAH, that's the one."

(End of flashback)

"Kris?" JR's voice brought me back to attention.

"What? Uh, w-what was the question?"

"Why are you so mean to her?"

I sat on JR's bed trying to decide whether or not I wanted to tell him.

"A year ago," I began trying hard not to make eye contact, "she went out with my brother, Shaun. They were happy for about a week and then broke up. Shaun started to get this rash and stuff and found out he got syphilis from his recent sexual partners. Supposedly he infected some other chick and went to trial for it."

I paused trying to remember how embarrassed my parents were but I continued anyway.

"That slutski cried rape and my brother ended up going to jail for 3 months for conspiring to spread STDs. My family was shunned from the neighborhood and we had to move to a new neighborhood."

"Wow, sounds like a terrible ordeal," JR comforted me.

"It would make me feel better if we got naked."

"What?"

"Um, never mind." I shook the thought out of my head.

"Uh, look Kris. I like you and all but, I don't know if I want to have sex with you."

0.0

What did he just say to me? What was this blasphemy that was coming out of his mouth? My face was turning red not from embarrassment but from anger. How could he not want a vajayner...an open vajayner at that? Is Mike getting to him? Are they having golden showers in the middle of the night and somehow Mike is convincing JR to abandon all of his straight sails and swim into him? I was furious that I wanted to rip all of my clothes off and show him that I have three holes on my entire body he could violate not the two God blessed Mike!

"Okay," I said to him.

JR was silent for a couple of minutes.

"I'm going to get ready for tonight. Call me when your friends are here."

I kissed JR on the cheeks, rapidly crotch grabbed him while winking at him, and left the room.