Celski Undeniably Meltski My Soulski

I woke up the next morning to find Mike sleeping outside my room.

“Ew freak, get up!”

Mike’s body jolted but his eyes remained closed. I grabbed his arms and pulled him into my dorm while I took a shower. By the time I returned back to my room, he was sleeping like a little baby on my bed.

“What’s going on? What time is it?” He yelled!

I was half naked trying to put on my bra when I screamed in fright after looking back at him.

“You asshole! Don’t do that.”

“Oh my god! Oh my god!” He covered his eyes. “I don’t want to see your tits. The only tits I want to see is on JR’s body.”

“Ew nasty.”

“It’s not like I want to see your coochie anyway. Maybe that’s why I’m allergic to oysters and the lot of them, things that look like vaginas scares me.”

“Well if that’s how you feel then I could eat vaginas all day.”

“I love how there’s like 2 guys on my bed and I had to sleep outside your door.” I couldn’t tell if he was sarcastic or bummed that he couldn’t sleep in between them.

“Why are you home so early?”

“I got into a fight with my brother.”

“About what?”

“He was using my home laptop and he crashed it along with my great stash of gay pornos.”

I wanted to laugh so hard. All I could picture in my head was Mike going super insane. He once showed me a video about some teen’s reaction to getting their World of Warcraft account deleted and I could imagine him doing the same thing. Instead of pretending to stick a remote up his ass, I’m pretty sure he actually did it. However, that thought became too graphic for me.

“Go take a shower or something. I’ll meet you downstairs.”

It was 11 o’clock and I was getting hungry. The boys must be somewhat awake by now.

I knocked on the door. “Open up, it’s me Kris!” I didn’t hear any movement inside. So I banged on the door louder. Suddenly, I heard a door open but it wasn’t coming from JR’s room, it was coming from Samelly’s. JR walked out.

“Oh hey,” he smiled nervously. He was half dressed and his hair was a mess. I couldn’t look at him for a long time because he looked like he did the unspeakable crime. He shoved his banana up a tainted row of rotten fish.

“Hey,” I quietly said turning back to face his dorm room while he pulled out his key and started unlocking the door.

Travis was passed out on JR’s bed, Jordan was on Mike’s, and Simon was butt-naked on the floor. I wanted to laugh but I didn’t know Simon well enough to taunt him. JR knocked loudly on the door and woke everyone up. Simon sat up and started freaking out.

“CLOSE THE DOOR! CLOSE THE DOOR NOW!”

JR started to laugh outside. I just faced the opposite direction. We could hear Simon cursing behind closed door and I can’t emphasize enough how loud he truly was.

“OKAY, COME IN NOW.” JR opened the door and Simon just stood there in the middle of the room all flushed out and embarrassed.

“It’s okay Simon. I’ve seen it all before. Plus, I didn’t even know what was happening.”

“Whatever,” he mumbled and walked out of the room.

“Oh, how was that chick last night?” Jordan asked.

JR hesitated a little making no eye contact with me. “I honestly don’t remember anything that happened last night.”

Jordan’s head turned to me and smiled. “That girl, Sam? Well she was really up on him. At one point last night, he had like a strip tease from this really hot Asian chick.”

I didn’t want to hear about it but I could see JR’s face lighting up thinking about that moment. He must’ve caught something last night. I am convinced of this.

(A couple of hours later)

“Kris, can I talk to you about last night?”

“Didn’t I tell you about Sam having crabs or something? Why would you want to eat her crabs when you could just lick my mussels?”

JR looked confused. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“God JR you’re so stupid. You can’t be that daft and still think you didn’t violate her cream pie with your banana. Was it worth it?”

“What the fuck? What was it like when Travis’ pierced dong was all shoved up inside you? Did it hurt? Are you sure his piercing isn’t inside you?” Oh, is that why I felt a little pinching feeling as he entered me. I just thought he was bigger than I normally had. “It’s not like you were so innocent either okay?! I saw you dancing with him and kissing him. Why couldn’t you have waited for me?”

FUUUUUCK. HOW COULD I EXPLAIN IT TO HIM? I WAS HORNIER THAN A NARWHAL. AFTER SUPRESSING MY SEXUAL ADDICTION THE OTHER DAY, HE WANTED TO TURN THE PROBLEM ONTO ME. I WAS THE ONE WHO ASKED HIM FOR ONE NIGHT INSIDE ME, KRIS. It was all too frustrating talking to a guy who only listens to Macklemore and fails at differentiating a disco stick from a gay man’s penis.

“JR, BITE ME. You’re such a scared little Indie kid who can’t differentiate a disco stick from a gay man’s penis!” I got up from the bench and started speed walking back to our building.

“Aw come on now Kris. COME BACK. I DIDN’T MEAN TO MAKE YOU MAD. I’M SORRY!”

While walking furiously back to my building, I bumped into Travis who was making his way out while I was trying to push my way in.

“Hey, where are you going?” He asked me.

“To go throw myself off a roof.”

“No, you don’t want to do that. That’d be a horrible mistake when you realize that you’re conscious but can’t move.”

Grim. Honest. Sexy. His words always came out of his mouth finer than organic vanilla ice cream melting inside your warm tongue. The smooth and creaminess of it inside your mouth while you savor each breathtaking moment until the brain freeze starts kicking in and you blink several times trying to adjust the cold reality of eating ice cream too much, too soon.

“How about I spend the day with you?” He asked coyly. “After all, we’re leaving tomorrow morning.”

“Oh,” I sounded sad. “I guess if you really want to. I suggest you go back there and wack JR’s pretentious attitude out of him.”

“Uhhhhhhh, so basically, I love basements.”

“You’re awkward.”

“Few people don’t know that I’m a dirty slutski when it comes to basements.”

“Will you carry me pedo style to the basement?”

“Lets go.”