Alive Like You

Life is getting harder to hide behind his fake smiles and lies for every occasion.

He wishes his father would be a man and leave his 'friend' in Atlanta. At least when his father had been there, his mother had been taking her medication and keeping a steady job.

Things were different now, though. Without his father's insurance, his mother couldn't afford to keep seeing the same psychiatrist and gave up taking her medication.

At first, the change in her was hardly noticeable, she covered her unhappiness with fake smiles that could rival his own and lies disguised as promises of his father's return. It was all she could think about.

It had felt unreal, watching her explain to the neighbors that 'Dean is out of town' and call out of work, telling her boss that 'I expect my husband home today'. All her false hope made him angry.

Angry that his father had left, angry at her for being so stupid and blind, and angry at the world for screwing his life over so royally.

When she gave up, everything fell apart quickly after. She'd go for days without showering or getting out of bed at all. She lost her job and they'd had to move out of their little apartment and into a shitty little motel room. Now they moved from one run down abandoned building to the next, avoiding police.

Sometimes he wished they'd find them and take him away to a better home with a normal family with a mother that's always happy and a father that is proud to provide for his family.

He'd never let them, of course.

Not knowing if they'd lock her up in the system somewhere, never to be seen or heard from again or actually get her the help she needed. It was too big a risk and despite how numb and cold he was because of all that had happened, she was his mother and he loved her.

He looks up and realizes that he's in a part of town he doesn't recognize and that his feet have carried him to the front of an abandoned building not unlike the one that he and his mother are staying in.

A throbbing of bass is vibrating through the building. He is compelled to go inside and is glad he was when he sees that the entire place is full of moving, sweating, breathing bodies gyrating to the throb of the music.

He wants to be like them, alive and without a care in the world, so he moves closer until he is folded into the throng. He begins to feel his first wave of warmth as he starts to sway from side to side along with the crowd, though he's not throwing his full body into it.

A short girl with big blue fairy wings on her back and the strangest blue and white eye makeup he'd ever seen turns to him and flashes him a big, white-toothed grin. In an instant, her arms are around his shoulders, pulling him down into an open-mouthed kiss. Her tongue slips into his mouth and presses a pill against the roof.

He wraps his arms around her and embraces her against himself as his body begins to feel alive, but she pulls away, giving him a sly grin before disappearing into the crowd.

He chews the pill and find that it has no particular taste, he'd thought it was candy at first. Shrugging, he allows himself to fall back into the swaying of the crowd.

A few minutes after the blue fairy had disappeared, his body starts moving more quickly and intricately to the music. He feels like he belongs there, with all those sweaty bodies around him belonging to people that are just like him, people that want to feel alive.

He is filled with an unexplainable joy that his feet have lead him here, to these people he relates to so well.

There is a strange smell in the building and at first he believes that it is the smell of so many people being together, but soon he realizes it's coming from poorly wrapped cigarettes that everyone seems to be passing around.

He takes one from a man dressed in tye-dye with very long brown hair, desperate to know how it feels. Three puffs of the poorly wrapped cigarette and his body isn't feeling so great anymore, he passes it on to a girl standing by him, her head thrown back in elation.

Another girl pulls him into his second kiss of the night. She, too presses a pill to the top of his mouth.

This time, he chews it greedily, wanting to feel the magical, brilliant effects of the first pill more vibrantly.

The world is color and sound around him, a smile is on his face and he is sweating and breathing like them.

His hands are reaching for and touching anything they can find, reveling in the feeling of it all. He has never felt so whole and at one with the world.

A boy grabs him this time, and he almost resists when he's pulled into a quick lip-lock. Another pill is pressed into his mouth and the boy releases him, winking devilishly.

He smiles at the boy and nods, throwing himself back into the music.

The music is louder now, making his body move in ways he's never moved. He likes the feel of it, the unrest and need to move faster.

Suddenly, his legs cramp and he cannot dance anymore. His body is cold and he can hear his heart beating frantically in his ears.

What is happening? he wonders, as he collapses into the ground.

People are staring down at him, worry in their faces. He does not know why they look so afraid.

His muscles are seizing.

I just wanted to be alive like you, he wanted to explain to them, but the words died before they reached his lips, as his body started convulsing and he could no longer think to form words.