Crash Into My Arms

After a much needed sleep in my own bed, I woke up feeling refreshed and well rested. It was nice to not wake up to the sound of Mama pounding on my bedroom door, or fear Burke yelling at me over something ridiculous for a change.

There wasn’t a great deal to do around the house, so I decided to visit Gerard. The weather was still gloomy outside; the snow hadn’t quite cleared up yet. Nonetheless, just as I had many times before, I jumped the fence that divided our front yards, and approached the door.

Mikey must have seen me coming through the lounge room window, for he opened the door not a moment after I approached it. “Hey Missy.” He smiled. “Gerard’s not here at the moment.”
“Oh.” I frowned, honestly disappointed. “Where is he?” I asked, quickly adding. “If I’m in the right place to ask.”
He laughed. “Just out with Mom and Dad for a few hours.” He grinned, though it almost looked like he was forcing it.
I shook it off, backing away from the door. “I guess I’ll come back later.”
“You’re welcome to come inside and wait for him if you want.” Mikey spoke, holding the door open for me.
“Are you sure? I’m not much fun to be around.” I laughed, stepping through the door.
“Don’t be silly.” He said, lightly punching my shoulder. “I’m quite happy to have your company.” He sat down beside me. “So how are you?”
I gave him a look, which made him quickly say;
“Stupid question.” He shook his head. “Forgive me.” His eyes grew wide as he noticed the red mark on my cheek. “Miseria… Your cheek.”
“Oh, yeah.” I sighed, touching it lightly with my finger tips. “It’s nothing.”
“That is not nothing!”
“Mama’s stupid boyfriend was just being his usual self, but they’re gone for now, so I’ll be okay.”
“Miseria--” Mikey began, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

He scowled at me, pointing a finger at me with a look on his face that I could only read as “We’ll finish this talk later.” before getting up off the couch to answer the door.

“Hey, Mikey.” Alicia smiled.
“H-Hey.” He stuttered.

I peeked around the door to get a look at Alicia; the blonde and purple streaks were gone now, instead, crimson locks clashed against her jet black hair.

“I was wondering if you’d like to hang out?”
“Oh…” Mikey trailed off.
“Hey Alicia.” I smiled, joining Mikey in the doorway.
“I’m sorry, you’ve got company.” She frowned, turning to leave.
“Alicia, wait.” Mikey quickly said, unlocking the screen door and grabbing her wrist. “Miseria’s just waiting for Gerard, but he shouldn’t be too much longer; I would love to hang out with you.” He turned to me. “If that’s okay with you?”
“Of course, it’s no problem, go.” I smiled.
“Are you sure?” Alicia asked.
“Meh.” I waved it off. “You two run along, have fun.”
“Thanks.” Alicia smiled, taking hold of Mikey’s hand. “See you around then I guess?”
“Sure thing.” I smiled.

I watched as the two of them walked up the driveway and headed off up the street, before sighing and closing the door. I paced around the lounge room, trying to find ways to entertain myself until Gerard got home. There were a pile of gossip mags lying on the coffee table, so I grabbed one and flopped back down on the couch.

Not even five minutes later I slapped the magazine back down on the table’s surface. I had long since outgrown the need to know what scandal Paris Hilton had landed herself in, what colour Britney Spears had dyed her hair that month, the latest fashion trends. All of that information used to entertain my eleven to fourteen year old self for hours on end. Not anymore.

I snatched up the remote and turned the TV on, only to turn it back off immediately when I saw that Days Of Our Lives was on. I hated that show with a fucking passion, it gave me the shits. I threw the remote aside, but mis-judged the aim of my throw, causing the remote to sail across the room and hit the Way Family piano.

“Shit.”

I sighed and got up to retrieve the remote, and soon found myself running my hand over the piano’s surface; admiring its beauty. I let my fingers dance lightly across the keys, closing my eyes and sighing contently at the peaceful feeling that the sound of music brought me, still so familiar after all those years away from it.

Images of my father sitting at his grand piano filled my mind; I remembered the way the afternoon sunlight would shine upon the beautiful black painted surface as he played. With nobody around, and at least a fair while until Gerard got home, I decided it probably wouldn’t hurt to reminisce a little.

I sat down on the stool in front of the piano, took a deep breath as I found a few familiar chords, and began to play a song from my short-lived time in Newark High’s School Band.

“Like a freeze-dried rose, you will never be, what you were, what you were to me in memory. But if I listen to the dark, you'll embrace me like a star, envelop me, envelop me...”

I closed my eyes, remembering the day I played this for a hall full of young school children during the band’s tour in Canada just a few years ago.

“If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to before you went away, if only for a day. If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to the tune we played before you went away.”

I drew in a deep breath, filling my lungs with air as I dived into the chorus, hitting the notes I always used to struggle with, perfectly.

“And if I listen to, the sound of white, sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light. Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white…”

A small tear trailed down my cheek as I sang the next couple of lines, the chorus had triggered the pain of losing my father once again.

“You're my mystery. One mystery. My mystery. One mystery.”

I stopped playing for a moment, taking a deep breath, trying to compose myself, before continuing on.

“My silence solidifies, until that hollow void erases you, erases you so I can't feel at all. But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness will end the painful dream, of you and me...”

I swallowed hard against the lump that tried to rise in my throat, I needed to keep singing. I had to finish the song. I had no idea why, but I just had to.

“If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to before you went away, if only for a day. If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to
the tune we played before you went away.”

I remembered practicing this song at the piano with Dad just before I left for the tour, determined to perfect it.

“And if I listen to, the sound of white, sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light. Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white, sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light. And if I listen to, the sound of white.”

I put all my heart into the next few lines, pushing myself to hit every note perfectly.

“I knelt before some strangers face, but I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place, but I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead, and I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...”

The feeling that flowed through me with every press of the keys, every word I sang, was so powerful. It was a feeling I never realized I had missed until now, I missed it so, so much.

“And if I listen to, the sound of white sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light. Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white. The sound of white, the sound of white, the sound of white.”

I finished with a smile on my face. I hadn’t played that song in years, but it felt sooo good to know that I could still play it, and, even more, to know that now I was older and had more experience behind me, I could sing it ten times better. My eyes suddenly registered someone standing by the door watching me, and I jumped.

“How long have you been standing there?” I asked.
“About two minutes.”
“Great.” I groaned, closing the cover over the keyboard.
“You sounded amazing.” Gerard grinned. “I never knew you could sing like that.”
“I haven’t sung that song in years.” I frowned, not particularly happy to be remembering the days before my life had gone to shit. “I used to sing it in School Band.”
“You were in the band?”
“Yeah, I got in when I was in grade 10, and left six months later.” I looked down at my hands, not wanting Gerard to see the sadness in my expression upon remembering why I left.
“Why’d you leave?” He asked.
“Life got complicated.” I answered. “Something bad happened, and then something else happened after that and something else after that and then…” I shrugged. “I lost my passion for it; I lost my passion for music.”
Gerard counted up the years on his fingers. “You were fifteen, weren’t you?”
I nodded, looking down at the floor.
“Your Dad died that year, didn’t he?” He asked, coming to sit beside me.
I nodded again. “And Fran.” I blinked furiously at the tears threatening to spill from my eyes.
“Fran?”
“After Dad died, it seemed like it was just one bad thing after another, he died, my three best friends ruined my life, and the only two people that were there for me used to live in this house, Fran and her husband, Jeph, and then Fran died, and Jeph moved away, unable to take the pain.” I explained. “I was alone in the world again, until you got here.” I admitted.

I looked up, meeting his gaze, unaware until now just how close to me he was sitting. With his magnificent hazel eyes piercing through my own, I couldn’t hold in the pain of remembering all that I had lost, and tears began to escape from my eyes. I bit my lip, turning away, not wanting him to see me like this, not again.

I hated being this weak, pathetic, broken girl, worried that he would think I was only looking for attention, when all I wanted, all I screamed for on the inside, was somebody to help me pull myself out of the darkness that had consumed my life.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when I felt Gerard’s hand on my cheek, as he turned my head to face him. His expression was of utmost sympathy, the corners of his lips curved downward in a sad frown. They parted ever so slightly, and I watched his eyes with my own, as they darted to my lips, to my eyes, and back again.

He moved in closer, his hand moving from my cheek, to the back of my head, gently pulling me towards him. I closed my eyes, and felt the warmth of his lips on mine, and let my hands run down his sides, coming to rest on his hips. He pried my lips apart, gently, with his own, and I felt his tongue slowly enter my mouth, dancing and entwining with my own.

For a little while, I escaped the world, disappearing into a place where it was just me, Gerard, and our kiss…