Crash Into My Arms

I cried myself to sleep and didn’t wake up again until the evening when I was awoken by a loud crashing sound. Leaving my room; I found my mother stumbling in through the door. The stench of alcohol was all over her, her hair was everywhere and she was limping, or staggering; I couldn’t quite tell which.

She looked up at me as she reached the hallway and I saw a bright purple mark under her eye. Burke again; that fucking bastard. While I hated my mother, it still infuriated me that he hit her. Knowing I was probably just wasting my breath; I tried for the millionth time to talk some sense into her.

“Ma, this is ridiculous.” I sighed, opening her bedroom door and standing aside as she stumbled in and collapsed on her bed. “You know Burke is no good for you.”
“Shut up!” She snapped. “Shut the fuck up you worthless piece of shit!”
“One of these days you need to wake the fuck up and realize he is going to kill you!” I growled.
“You!” She hissed, sitting up in her bed and pointing at me with narrowed eyes. “You’re nothing, you know that right? You’re pathetic, and yet I still keep you under this roof out of the goodness of my own heart!” She burped; and I caught the rotten scent of alcohol on her breath. “You don’t know how lucky you are, you ungrateful little shit!”
“The only reason you keep me here is because I have nowhere to go, and because you need my money!” I spat.
“And yet you abuse me, you throw things at me and you use all the hot water so I have to freeze when I shower, you selfish little bitch!”
“Me throwing that dog statue at you is nothing compared to the mental abuse I have had to put up with since Dad died and that fucking dick came into our lives!”
“You know, I never actually wanted you.” She smirked evilly.
My mouth opened slightly; hurt by her words.
“Yeah, that’s right, you little shit, I hated you from the moment you began to grow inside of me, I only kept you because your father wouldn’t shut the fuck up about how happy he was that we were going to have a baby, and I must say; the money I have gotten since you were born has worked to my benefit.” Poison dripped off of every word; I could not believe how cold my mother had become. “You will never amount to anything, you’re worthless, you’re going to die alone after a life of selling yourself on the streets, because that’s all you’re good for!” She cackled more menacingly than the evillest of witches.
I couldn’t take anymore from her at that point; “Fuck you, Mama, fuck you!” I growled.

Finding out Gerard had Cancer this morning already had me broken down. Broken. Again. Just when I thought things would be okay. To wake up again to a drunken, beaten mother; to her cruel words… there was only so much I could take.

I grabbed my trench coat from my bedroom and slipped on my boots, before snatching up my keys and going to the shed out the back. I unlocked it and wheeled my bike out, not even bothering to get my helmet; I’d probably outgrown it by now anyway.

The night was dark and a nasty storm was brewing. I rode to the graveyard where my father’s headstone lay. I got off my bike as I reached it, shoving it aside where it landed with a big splash in the mud. My knees buckled under me, and I fell to the ground on my hands and knees in front of my father’s grave.

“Why Daddy? Why aren’t you here? I need you!” I cried.

My throat cracked, the tears began to fall, the heaving breaths took control of my body, my hands shook, my heart pounded inside my chest; as if it were trying to jump right out of me, my nose ran with the impact of my crying, I struggled to breathe.

I curled up into a fetal position; nothing but a pathetic mess, as the storm raged on around me. The rain soaked right through my trench coat, and I cried myself to sleep once again, shivering violently from the cold…