Crash Into My Arms

I jerked awake with fear, and rolled over to find the source of the loud bang that had woken me from my sleep, my bedroom door swung open, and my light was flicked on.

“THANKS FOR USING ALL THE HOT WATER YOU LITTLE SHIT!”
“Ma!” I groaned. “What the fuck?!”
“How long were you in the shower for last night?!” she snapped.
“Oh not this again.” I grumbled.
“You just have no fucking consideration for anybody else in this house do you?!”
“I tried to be as quick as I could alright?”
“Obviously you weren’t quick enough!”
I groaned. “Whatever… There’s nothing I can do.”
“Get the fuck up, get ready for school!”
I grabbed my phone from my bedside table and checked the time; 5am. “Oh, are fucking serious? It’s only 5! I’m not supposed to be up for another 2 hours!”
“I don’t give a shit, don’t fucking go back to sleep, get the fuck up and get ready for school!”
“Ma!”
“DON’T FUCKING ARGUE!” she yelled, and ripped my quilt back. “UP! NOW!”
“Fucking hell!” I cried.
“UP!”
“ALRIGHT!” I yelled.

Mum left my room and slammed the door shut behind her. I hauled myself off of my bed, and set out my school uniform, before grabbing some towels from the linen cupboard and going into the bathroom. The water was freezing, and as I shivered under the icy flow, I began to cry. I hated it when Mum would stress me out in the mornings, it always made me just dwell on every other little thing I’d ever done wrong, and have me reaching for the blade again.

Which was exactly what happened at that moment. I washed the last of the soap from my body and stepped out of the shower, shivering from the cold; and opened up the cupboard behind the mirror, and grabbed the blade. I sat myself down on the edge of the bathtub, and without a second thought, drew the blade across my wrist. The crimson flow began again and I felt that seductive form of release I felt every time I did it.

Like it mattered if scars were left behind from doing it so often, they’d never be seen. I never let my arms show, even if it was a boiling hot day, I’d wear long sleeves. Nobody would ever find out, I wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t want to be shipped off to some fucking psychiatric ward for it, and I didn’t want to be helped.

I cleaned off the blade, and washed my wrist, bandaging it up once again, and stepped back into my bedroom. The next two hours passed in a blur, as my mind dwelled on the saddest moments of my life over the last few years. The death of my father, Max breaking my heart, losing Nikola as a friend. Losing Amber, Melanie and Sky, and being called a stalker by the whole school. Fran’s death. It was all just too much for a seventeen year old to have experienced in her short time alive.

Somewhere in between all the moping about the past, I must have been getting ready for school, for when I came to; I was dressed in my school uniform and wrapped in my trench coat. My makeup was done, and my shoes were on. I grabbed my lunchbox from the fridge and stuffed it into my schoolbag, and left the house.

It was pouring down with rain outside, which I was thankful for, the heavy cloud cover made the world seem darker, which suited my current emotional state. The door to Gerard’s house opened, and Gerard and Mikey came out. Gerard called out to me and I waved, but kept my head down. Then I lost control, and the tears I’d been fighting back came flowing out at full force.

“Hey, Missy.” Gerard’s cheerful voice spoke from beside me.
“Hi.” My voice was extremely low, it was the only way I could talk without choking the words out, but I didn’t turn to face him.
“Hey…” he turned me around, and saw the tears leaving trails of black down my face where they’d made my eyeliner run. “Whoa… What’s wrong?” I began to cry hysterically, and Gerard threw his arms around me and held me close. “Mikey, you go on ahead, tell the school I won’t be in today.”
“Sure thing.” Mikey nodded, he threw me a sympathetic look, before turning and walking away.
“C’mon.” Gerard said in a soothing voice, and led me out of the rain, and into his house, where he sat down on the couch in the lounge room with me, cradling me in his arms. “What’s wrong?” he asked again, burying his face in my hair as I cried onto his chest, soaking his shirt with tears.
“Mama… She fucking woke me up yelling at me about the fucking hot water.” I sniffled. “She fucking smashed my bedroom door open, and scared the life outta me.”
“Fuck…” he exhaled.
“It’s not the first fucking t-ime…” my voice cracked, and I broke down again.
“Shh…” he tightened his hold on me. “Hmm…” he gently released me. “Hang tight for a second, I’m gonna go talk to Ma.”
“O-kay.” I croaked again.

He ran a hand through my hair, giving me a sympathetic look not unlike his brother’s, before turning and leaving the room. I heard him out in the kitchen, conversing with him was the familiar voice of his mother. I heard him give her a brief rundown on what I’d just told him, and she told him he could have the day off school, and that I could stay home with him. He thanked her, and came back into the lounge room.

“Alright, up you get.” He smiled weakly, helping me up off the couch.

He led me into his room, and took my trench coat off for me, before sitting me down on his bed. He took my shoes off for me, and I couldn’t help but force a weak smile at his kindness. I undid my school tie and handed it to him, and he hung it over his bedroom door handle before coming back over to me and pulling back the sheets on his bed.

“You’re more than welcome to sleep if you want.”
“Thank you.” I mumbled, and crawled under the warm blankets.

He tucked me in, but then I started to cry again.

“Come on angel, don’t you cry.” He cooed, and sat down beside me.

I sniffled and looked up at him, and he smiled and touched his fingers to my eyes, closing them. He held my hand, and stroked my hair… and then he sang to me;

“Late dawns and early sunsets… Just like my favourite scenes… Then holding hands and life was perfect… Just like up on the screen…”

His voice was so beautiful, and within minutes, he had soothed me completely, and I slipped into a peaceful sleep…

***

The gentle sound of a guitar woke me from my sleep a few hours later, and not long after, the very voice that lulled me into that sleep filled my ears again. This time, the song was familiar, an old favourite of mine.

“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road, time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go. So make the best of this test and don't ask why, It's not a question but a lesson learned in time. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life.”

It sounded so different sung by him, but that didn’t make me love it any less. If anything, it made me love the song even more. I opened my eyes and saw Gerard sitting not too far away from the bed with his guitar in his lap. I remained lying down as he continued;

“So take the photographs and still frames in your mind. Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time. Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial. For what it's worth, it was worth all the while. It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life.”

I closed my eyes and sighed contently as he played the instrumental break of the song, it sounded different without the violins to back it up, but still okay. The break ended, and I opened my eyes again as he began to sing once more;

“It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life… It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life…”

He looked up as he finished the song, and noticed I was awake.

“I didn’t wake you did I?” he asked.
“Yeah, but I’m not mad, actually wasn’t a bad way to wake up.” I smiled.

He put his guitar back on it’s stand in the corner of the room, before coming over to the bed and pulling back the covers.

“You mind? It’s kinda cold.” He giggled.
“Not at all.” I smiled, and made room for him.

Gerard crawled under the covers and laid down beside me, facing me. He sighed and began to rub my arm gently.

“Feeling better?”
“Yeah…” I frowned, and looked away from his eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s not about earlier, well, part of it is, but not all of it.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“It’s just…” I went quiet, and then spoke again. “When I get yelled at like that, it just makes me think of every other little thing I’ve ever done wrong, and how empty and meaningless my life is, and that I’m never going to amount to anything.”
“Your life’s not meaningless.” Gerard reassured me.
“Yeah it is, I have nothing going for me.”
He gave me a sympathetic look. “Come here.” He pulled me into his arms, and held me tightly. “You’re not worthless, kid; you just haven’t found your true calling yet.” He whispered.
“I’m not meant for anything more than this, I had dreams once, but I gave up on them when the harshness of reality set in.”
“You shouldn’t give up on yourself, if I have to, I’ll help you believe in yourself again.” He stroked my hair.
I daringly tightened my hold on him just the tiniest bit, it was nice to be in someone’s arms again, I hadn’t had that luxury in a very, very long time. “Why would you do that for me? You barely know me.”
“Because I know what it’s like to feel like you don’t have a purpose.” He whispered. “And nobody should feel that way about themselves, not even you.”

Overwhelmed by his kindness, I leaned closer into his chest and breathed in his scent, he smelt so sweet, like coffee, and he was so incredibly warm…