You've Got This Silly Way of Keeping Me on the Edge of My Seat

"We need to talk," he said to me, a single tear slipping down his cheek. I didn't know what to make of this; either he did something horrible last night or he was really concerned about our relationship. Only one of those would shock the hell out of me though, and that 'something' certainly wouldn't be him hooking up with someone else.

"Yeah, I think we do," I said, hopping up on one of the bar stools, swiveling it around so that I was facing him. The way our apartment was set up, the bar was attached to the living room so we were facing each other, although a good distance away from each other. Exactly how I had hoped we'd be.

"You're smoking?" I asked, giving him a stupid look. He always criticized me for smoking. He always yelled at me for smoking inside. And now here he was, sitting in front of me, with my goddamn ash tray on the couch cushion next to him.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he mumbled, flicking the ashes into the tray. He wasn't bothering to make eye contact with me because for once, I was winning. It was always about winning with him. He always had to have the upper hand, and if he didn't, he'd change the subject and switch things around to where he did have the upper hand. Oh, but not this time. I was done giving in to him.

"Hmm, it looks like you're smoking inside, Brendon. I thought that 'wasn't allowed'?"

"I know, it was a stupid rule, okay? I get it," he said, brutally putting that cigarette out, practically smashing the remains into smithereens. I took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for what was coming next. This was it, the gloves were off. This was war.

"Where were you last night, Frank?"

That simple question made my blood start to boil. "You knew where I was, Brendon. I told you, I was with Mikey." He always fucking questioned me, even when he knew the answer already.

I however, was questioning myself as to whether I should come clean with him entirely and tell him the truth about Gerard, or if I should just break up with him and be done with it. I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, and listen to how his night had gone. Judging by his disheveled appearance, he had a rather interesting time.

"Where were you last night?"

"We went out, but I didn't feel like being there without you, Frank. I missed you, and came home. You weren't here though. I called and I called and you didn't answer, and I got so fucking worried about you-"

"Why all of a sudden were you worried? You've gone without me plenty of times, and I told you, I was with Mikey. There was no reason for you to worry," I said, highly annoyed. I knew damn well the only reason he was worried was because I was with Mikey, and he was fucking jealous of my relationship with him.

"I had a bad feeling, Frank. Okay? I felt like something wasn't right, I mean you hadn't called me, I didn't know where you were-"

"I did call you! When I was at Mikey's!" I felt like a broken record player, as I swiveled back and forth in my bar stool. This was going nowhere.

"The way I see it, Frank, there's two possibilities. Either you're telling the truth, and you were with Mikey last night. Or-"

"What the fuck do you mean 'telling the truth'?!'" I screamed, losing control completely and hopping off the bar stool so that I was now in front of him. I knew what was coming, I knew what he was about to accuse me of.

"SHUT UP, FRANK! I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN CHEATING ON ME!" He spat at me, standing up so he was now looking down at me. He was almost an entire foot taller than me, so he had no choice but to look down on me. I hated it.

"One, you will never get to tell me to shut up again," I said, my teeth tightly clenched. "Two, I was with Mikey last night. Three, he is my friend. End of fucking story."

"You've been fucking him, I know you have. He picks you up early before work, and drops you off after work, and now you hang out all the damn time and-"

"Fuck you, Brendon. I have not been cheating on you with Mikey, he's my best fucking friend and he does that shit for me because he enjoys my company and we get along really fucking well. He's my best friend. Hell, he's my only friend!" I said, so angry at him that I actually shoved him.

I lost it. I was so furious at him for accusing me of cheating on him with Mikey, it was pathetic because even if the Gerard factor had not come into play, this exact scenario, what was happening right now, was what I was facing today regardless I went after Gee last night or not. This was my fate, this was why I had no friends. All of that was about to change, though. I wasn't dealing with this shit for a second longer.

"I can't believe you did that," he whined, his face looking incredibly hurt. The sympathy card he was pulling wasn't working, it only pissed me off further.

"No, of course you can't. I've never talked back to you. I've always sat back and took every fucking thing you've ever said to me, and obeyed you. Anything that made you jealous or uncomfortable, you made me get rid of. And I did! Just to keep from fucking hearing it from you. Well guess what!" I exclaimed, feeling the anger that's been pent up inside of me over the past few years come to a boil, ready to spill over at any given second.

"What, Frank?!" he asked, his voice filled with the same venomous tone. We were literally only inches apart, my eyes staring straight into his eyes so that he knew I fucking meant business.

"I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU ANYMORE!" I screamed at him, my body shaking from the rage that was now swimming through my body. His expression turned from anger to hurt, and eventually he backed down. I stood my ground however, my stone cold expression never changing. It simply didn't phase me anymore. I was done, this relationship was done.

I left him there, heading off to the bedroom with a satisfied smile on my face. I wasn't happy about being so cold to him, but I was ecstatic as hell that I was able to hold my own against him. I took out one of the suitcases out of the closet, and began stuffing my clothes into it, drawer by drawer. I didn't even notice him as he appeared in the doorway until I heard him sniffle.

I glanced over my shoulder at him, and quickly went back to packing my stuff. I grabbed a smaller bag and brought it into the bathroom, grabbing my stuff from in there. He followed me, staring sadly at me. I just shook my head and continued to pack, his existence not phasing me one bit. I finished grabbing everything from in there and brushed past him, but he caught my arm and tried to hold me back.

I quickly pulled away though, giving him a face that screamed 'you touch me like that again, I'll chop your dick off and shove it down your throat.' He got the idea and backed off, the sad expression quickly returning to his face. He looked defeated, because I've threatened to leave before at least a dozen times, but never have I actually gone through with it. He had no idea how to react. I could tell he was losing the great battle that was going on within his head, trying to figure out how to deal with this and make me stay.

I grabbed a few garbage bags from the kitchen, and brushed past him again as he was now standing in the doorway, staring silently at my every action. I went to the closet and started grabbing shit off hangers, throwing them on the floor so I could shove them in one of the bags.

"What changed?" he asked, so quietly I almost didn't hear him. I whipped my head around, staring at him like he was an idiot.

"What do you mean, 'what changed'?" I was a little confused by his tactics, trying to figure out if he was manipulating me like he always did or if he was genuinely trying to figure out why his perfect little world was quickly shattering all around him.

"We were always able to work things out, Frank. We've been through so much, we've both done things we aren't proud of-"

I should have punched him in the face for saying that.

"No, Brendon. You have done shit that you're not proud of. You were the one that ran around behind my back, travelling six fucking hours to fuck some chick you met off the internet. You were the one that-"

"Okay, Frank! Fuck, I made a mistake!" He hated when I threw that in his face. He gave up every single time, because he knew he couldn't win. I stared at him stupidly though, because he's made more than one measly mistake.

"Okay, I've made a few mistakes. But I thought we got over that, I thought we were finally happy..." he trailed off, his eyes filling with tears as he stared blankly at me as I tried to shut my suitcase, rather unsuccessfully because it was now full to capacity.

"Of course you thought we were happy. You had the perfect relationship. You had the perfect little boyfriend, one that you could walk all over and screw around on whenever you fucking wanted to. You knew you could do whatever you wanted to me, no matter what the consequence was because you never dreamed I'd actually have the balls to pack up and leave, but guess what. I was gone a long fucking time ago," I said, grabbing my bags and hauling them into the living room.

I brought them down to the car, suddenly realizing how dark the sky had gotten. It looked like it was about to pour any second now. I then realized Brendon was watching my every move from the top of the stairs.

Maybe I should explain. The particular apartment building we lived in was a two story. Each building in the complex had two apartments on the top floor and two on the bottom, and in between each was a balcony thing that lead to two separate flights of stairs. We just so happened to live on the top right apartment, so I had quite a few trips left to make up and down these steps. That didn't phase me though, I glided up the stairs with great ease, although I was dreading what he was going to say when I reached the top.

"Is that what you thought of me, Frank? How could you think so little of me, of our relationship?" His voice was low, his face looked sad.

"Simple. You never allowed me to have any friends of my own. The only friends I had were your friends, and they were never really my friends because they always reported every little conversation we had back to you. You pull this same shit, every single time I get a new friend of my own by trying to guilt me into believing that I'm fucking them, and it's never been true! Yet you've gone off countless times, and I've taken you back like it was nothing every single time. I'm not doing it anymore, Brendon. I can't, I wont," I said, sighing heavily.

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my back. I'd been holding all of this in for so long, I've always dreamed of saying it but never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd actually have the guts to stand up to him and let him have it.

"So why now? Why all of a sudden are you so ready to leave? Why am I losing you, Frank?" Inside, I knew he was breaking in two. He finally realized that I found the courage to leave him. Just like the dark clouds settling over us, harsh reality was finally setting in for him. He knew he didn't have me anymore, and he was beginning to panic.

"You lost me a long time, ago," I said simply. "I told you, I don't love you anymore. I've stayed with you, for almost five years now. I was hoping the love we once had would come back, the happiness and everything that came with our wonderful relationship would come rushing back but it never did. You killed that the first time you ever cheated on me. I can't live my life like this anymore, I just can't do it anymore."

"You're in his car," he said plainly, staring out at Mikey's car. Was that seriously all he could say?

"Yes, I am. He's my friend, he lent it to me," I had finally had enough. I walked back into the apartment, and grabbed a few more bags and headed back downstairs. I didn't even blink an eye at him when I passed him, that's how far gone I was.

"You're going to his house, aren't you?" He asked, his eyes stained with sadness and defeat. I started to feel really bad for what I was doing, because for him, this really did come out of nowhere, although this was something I should have done a long time ago.

In all honesty, had it not been for Gerard, none of this would be happening. I'd have listened to the Mikey lecture, and nodded and obeyed not to hang out with him anymore, and gone on living a sad and miserable life, pretending to be happy so I didn't have to deal with him. I was so tired of living like that, it was like I was his prisoner.

I didn't even dignify him with an answer, just went in once more, for the final time, to do a quick inspection of the two bedrooms, the bathroom, and even the kitchen before I took one last, final stare at the beautiful apartment I no longer shared with him.

I grabbed the few remaining bags I had left, and carried them outside onto the balcony with me. I took one last look at him. He had his arms draped lazily over the side of the balcony, staring sadly back at me.

I shuddered as lightning crashed and thunder cracked loudly in the sky. I sighed and walked down those stairs, Brendon following close behind me. I threw the few bags into the back seat and shut that door, and knew this was it. He was leaning against the car, his hands in his pockets and his face streaming with tears.

"For what it's worth," he said, sighing heavily before continuing. "I really did love you, so much, Frank. This relationship might have meant nothing to you, but it meant everything to me."

I actually believed that. Beyond the countless hours he spent playing on that damn computer, the constant nagging and criticism, and everything else - I truly did believe that he did love me. Call me a fool, but there was something in the way he said those words that told me so.

"I did love you too, Brendon. At one point, I loved you so much. I thought it was enough to make it work, but I was only kidding myself. Every little thing you have done to me, every little thing you've put me through only made me resent you, and there's only so much of that I could take before that love turned into something completely different. Loving you became the hardest thing in the world to do, when it should have been the easiest," I said to him, looking him straight in his big, brown eyes that were welled over with tears.

I realized my words were harsh, but it was the truth. I figured he needed to hear the truth, and me sparing his feelings would only make the situation worse. But the more I thought that, the more I regretted being so cold. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him one last time before placing a single kiss on his cheek.

"I'm really sorry it had to be this way," I said, letting go of him as I felt a rain drop fall on my face. He gripped me tighter, sobbing uncontrollably into my hair as I tried to pull away. I sighed, letting him hold me like that for a minute longer. He placed a gentle kiss on my lips, and I had to shut my eyes hard to prevent the few stray tears that were threatening to fall from my own eyes. I refused to let him see me cry, I refused to be anything but strong and confident throughout this entire ordeal.

"Where are you going to go?" he asked as I finally broke away, hurrying to get into the car before he somehow tricked me into staying. I rolled the window down halfway, only so I could answer him.

"Where I truly belong."

The sky opened up at that very moment, rain pouring down relentlessly as I rolled up the window, leaving him standing there, drenched with tears and rain, all alone.