You've Got This Silly Way of Keeping Me on the Edge of My Seat
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
"Just hold still, sugar," he giggled as he set the timer on the camera. He then rejoined me, placing his arms around my waist holding me close to him. Being in his arms like that was fucking Heaven.
He placed his hand on my cheek, and we gazed into each other's eyes dreamily. The picture had already snapped but we stood there just like that for God knows how long.
"I need to remember this moment, this feeling, forever, Frankie..." he said to me, his eyes filling with tears as he placed an incredibly tender kiss on my lips. I tried to kiss back, but he wouldn't let me.
"Gerard... Gee, what's wrong?" I said, trying to kiss him again, but he still wouldn't let me.
"There's something I need to tell you, Frankie..." he said, his voice in no more than a whisper as the tears finally spilled over. I felt my heart completely sink at the words that were about to come out of his mouth.
"Frankie....?"
"Gerard...?" I mumbled.
"GERARD?!"
My eyes shot open as I suddenly realized I'd actually said his name out loud this time. My eyes focused on a very confused looking Mikey. He was standing over me, lifting his hand out to help me up off the floor. I took it, thanking GOD this happened at Mikey's place and not mine. Brendon would never let me hear the end of it.
"Frank... how do you know my brother?" he asked, his eyes so wide I thought they were going to pop out of his head.
I thought for a second, realizing that while I was knocked out, I'd just had anotherdream flashback about my time with the one person that truly understood me, the one person that made my life complete... Gerard Way. And suddenly it hit me.
No wonder Mikey's house was so fucking familiar. I can't believe what a complete moron I was for not figuring it out before. I mean, it had been five years since I've been here but still, how could I forget? This was the room where so many beautiful memories were created... it was Gerard's room. Except however, with one major difference from the last time I was here.
In place of the Misfits, Iron Maiden, and various other band posters was now a mural painted on the wall. It was a painting of the same exact picture that me and Gerard took in my flashback... the picture he took right before he broke the news to me about his decision to move to fucking New York and forget all about me. That was the day he broke me. The day I decided that I couldn't take it. The last day we ever spent together. I remember running to my house as fast as I possibly could - determined to do whatever I could to never look back.....
"Do you want to know why I'm not completely happy with Brendon, Mikey?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes at just the very thought of it. I can't believe he had painted a fucking picture of us on his wall. Why had he done this...?
"Oh my God, Frank..." he said, putting his hand over his mouth as he finally realized who the guy in the picture with Gerard was. "This is you, isn't it?"
I nodded as the tears came spilling over at how beautifully he had created the exact essence of us, everything that had made us so wonderful. No wonder he was leaving me for art school. With this amount of talent, him staying here for stupid pathetic little me would have been the biggest mistake of his life.
"He was my everything, Mikey..." I said, falling into his embrace. "He promised me he'd never leave me... and he did... "
"I'm so sorry..." he sighed, rubbing my back gently I guess to try to soothe me. It was working. "I really had no idea that this was you, Frank... I swear."
"It's okay, Mikey. This wasn't your fault, he was the one that broke my heart not you. I've tried my hardest to forget about him, and I actually did. For a long time. Until I realized that what I had with Brendon could and would never amount to what I could have and should have had with Gerard... Brendon just doesn't make me feel the same way as he did..." I said, burying my face in my hands. The tears had stopped, but the pain and confusion was growing stronger by the minute. It's been over five years since I've seen or even talked to Gerard, and he still had this fucking effect on me. What did all of this mean...?
"How is he?" I asked in barely above a whisper.
"Well... the last time I talked to him was about a week ago. He's been doing pretty well for himself, from what I can tell. He invited me over to his apartment the weekend before Halloween," he paused, thinking carefully about what he was about to say next.
"You need to come with me, Frank."
I felt like my heart stopped beating when he said that.
The sadness I was feeling then turned to anger.
"Are you kidding me? Why should I? He left me, Mikey. I tried to fucking KILL myself when he broke my heart and told me he was moving and he didn't even come visit me in the hospital. When I got out, my mom transferred me to a different school and sent me to live with my dad. I came back here, to this fucking house, asking for Gerard but he'd already left for New York. He made it clear to me that day that he wanted nothing more to do with me, so why should I even bother him? You say he's doing well, I'm doing well with Brendon, things are going well for both of us without each other so maybe that's the way it was meant to be all along," I said, trying to convince myself more than anything. I couldn't believe all of that had came out of my mouth.
"That's a lie and you know it, Frank! You obviously cared a lot about my brother if you were going to fucking kill yourself over him. Something isn't adding up here. I see the way you are when we're hanging out at work, you're one person. You're a happy person. Whenever I bring up Brendon, or he calls you, or comes to pick you up your expression completely changes and you become a completely different person and I always wondered why that was, but now it's clear! You're miserable with him, you don't love him like you think you do. You don't need him like you think you do, if all the while it's Gerard you want to be with!" His voice was now shaking he was so worked up. He really came to his brother's defense with that one, and fucking exposed me for the fraud that I am. He was absolutely right.
"No matter what, Mikey... I can't go with you. I can't bring myself to face him after all this time. I love him more than anything and everything in the world... I never stopped loving him, if anything my feelings for him have only gotten deeper.... even after everything that happened between us. I just..." I trailed off.
I didn't know what to say, what to think, what to do.
"You just need to talk to him, Frankie. You need to talk about what happened and fucking work things out, because judging from this picture on the wall that he painted for a week straight right before he left, he obviously was very much in love with you. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was a complete and total wreck over something but we couldn't figure out what it was! All he told me was that this picture on the wall meant the world to him and that he'd always love this person more than anything!" Mikey said, his emotions now getting the best of him. He had tears in his eyes too.
"Look! Did you even bother to read what he wrote on the wall about you?!"
I actually didn't. I didn't even notice it until he pointed it out. Those words were painted next to us, and took up the entire left section of the wall. How I missed that I'll never know...
I took a deep breath and started to read...
Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through
I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running
But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying..
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold
But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...
As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun
And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever...
Towards the end I broke down, and I mean fucking just broke down completely. I had dropped to the floor, tears were streaming from my eyes. I was completely hysterical.
"He loved you too, Frank... I can tell by this painting that he loved you so fucking much. I don't know what happened between you, but I do know you can't ignore this," he said, kneeling down beside me holding me yet again as I cried into his shoulder.
I looked up for a brief second and my eye caught sight of some more words that were written towards the bottom of the painting.
It read:
When you go..
Just know that I will remember you
If living was the hardest part
We'll then one day be together
And in the end we'll fall apart
Just like the leaves change in colors..
And then I will be with you
I will be there one last time now
I lost my fear of falling
I will be with you
I will be with you...
"Everything happens for a reason, Frank..." he whispered to me. "What's meant to be will always find it's way."
Mikey's words kept ringing in my head as my phone kept ringing in my pocket.
I knew it was Brendon calling to see where the hell I was.
What was I going to do now...?
He placed his hand on my cheek, and we gazed into each other's eyes dreamily. The picture had already snapped but we stood there just like that for God knows how long.
"I need to remember this moment, this feeling, forever, Frankie..." he said to me, his eyes filling with tears as he placed an incredibly tender kiss on my lips. I tried to kiss back, but he wouldn't let me.
"Gerard... Gee, what's wrong?" I said, trying to kiss him again, but he still wouldn't let me.
"There's something I need to tell you, Frankie..." he said, his voice in no more than a whisper as the tears finally spilled over. I felt my heart completely sink at the words that were about to come out of his mouth.
"Frankie....?"
"Gerard...?" I mumbled.
"GERARD?!"
My eyes shot open as I suddenly realized I'd actually said his name out loud this time. My eyes focused on a very confused looking Mikey. He was standing over me, lifting his hand out to help me up off the floor. I took it, thanking GOD this happened at Mikey's place and not mine. Brendon would never let me hear the end of it.
"Frank... how do you know my brother?" he asked, his eyes so wide I thought they were going to pop out of his head.
I thought for a second, realizing that while I was knocked out, I'd just had anotherdream flashback about my time with the one person that truly understood me, the one person that made my life complete... Gerard Way. And suddenly it hit me.
No wonder Mikey's house was so fucking familiar. I can't believe what a complete moron I was for not figuring it out before. I mean, it had been five years since I've been here but still, how could I forget? This was the room where so many beautiful memories were created... it was Gerard's room. Except however, with one major difference from the last time I was here.
In place of the Misfits, Iron Maiden, and various other band posters was now a mural painted on the wall. It was a painting of the same exact picture that me and Gerard took in my flashback... the picture he took right before he broke the news to me about his decision to move to fucking New York and forget all about me. That was the day he broke me. The day I decided that I couldn't take it. The last day we ever spent together. I remember running to my house as fast as I possibly could - determined to do whatever I could to never look back.....
"Do you want to know why I'm not completely happy with Brendon, Mikey?" I asked, tears welling up in my eyes at just the very thought of it. I can't believe he had painted a fucking picture of us on his wall. Why had he done this...?
"Oh my God, Frank..." he said, putting his hand over his mouth as he finally realized who the guy in the picture with Gerard was. "This is you, isn't it?"
I nodded as the tears came spilling over at how beautifully he had created the exact essence of us, everything that had made us so wonderful. No wonder he was leaving me for art school. With this amount of talent, him staying here for stupid pathetic little me would have been the biggest mistake of his life.
"He was my everything, Mikey..." I said, falling into his embrace. "He promised me he'd never leave me... and he did... "
"I'm so sorry..." he sighed, rubbing my back gently I guess to try to soothe me. It was working. "I really had no idea that this was you, Frank... I swear."
"It's okay, Mikey. This wasn't your fault, he was the one that broke my heart not you. I've tried my hardest to forget about him, and I actually did. For a long time. Until I realized that what I had with Brendon could and would never amount to what I could have and should have had with Gerard... Brendon just doesn't make me feel the same way as he did..." I said, burying my face in my hands. The tears had stopped, but the pain and confusion was growing stronger by the minute. It's been over five years since I've seen or even talked to Gerard, and he still had this fucking effect on me. What did all of this mean...?
"How is he?" I asked in barely above a whisper.
"Well... the last time I talked to him was about a week ago. He's been doing pretty well for himself, from what I can tell. He invited me over to his apartment the weekend before Halloween," he paused, thinking carefully about what he was about to say next.
"You need to come with me, Frank."
I felt like my heart stopped beating when he said that.
The sadness I was feeling then turned to anger.
"Are you kidding me? Why should I? He left me, Mikey. I tried to fucking KILL myself when he broke my heart and told me he was moving and he didn't even come visit me in the hospital. When I got out, my mom transferred me to a different school and sent me to live with my dad. I came back here, to this fucking house, asking for Gerard but he'd already left for New York. He made it clear to me that day that he wanted nothing more to do with me, so why should I even bother him? You say he's doing well, I'm doing well with Brendon, things are going well for both of us without each other so maybe that's the way it was meant to be all along," I said, trying to convince myself more than anything. I couldn't believe all of that had came out of my mouth.
"That's a lie and you know it, Frank! You obviously cared a lot about my brother if you were going to fucking kill yourself over him. Something isn't adding up here. I see the way you are when we're hanging out at work, you're one person. You're a happy person. Whenever I bring up Brendon, or he calls you, or comes to pick you up your expression completely changes and you become a completely different person and I always wondered why that was, but now it's clear! You're miserable with him, you don't love him like you think you do. You don't need him like you think you do, if all the while it's Gerard you want to be with!" His voice was now shaking he was so worked up. He really came to his brother's defense with that one, and fucking exposed me for the fraud that I am. He was absolutely right.
"No matter what, Mikey... I can't go with you. I can't bring myself to face him after all this time. I love him more than anything and everything in the world... I never stopped loving him, if anything my feelings for him have only gotten deeper.... even after everything that happened between us. I just..." I trailed off.
I didn't know what to say, what to think, what to do.
"You just need to talk to him, Frankie. You need to talk about what happened and fucking work things out, because judging from this picture on the wall that he painted for a week straight right before he left, he obviously was very much in love with you. I remember it like it was yesterday. He was a complete and total wreck over something but we couldn't figure out what it was! All he told me was that this picture on the wall meant the world to him and that he'd always love this person more than anything!" Mikey said, his emotions now getting the best of him. He had tears in his eyes too.
"Look! Did you even bother to read what he wrote on the wall about you?!"
I actually didn't. I didn't even notice it until he pointed it out. Those words were painted next to us, and took up the entire left section of the wall. How I missed that I'll never know...
I took a deep breath and started to read...
Hand in mine, into your icy blues
And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway
With this trunk of ammunition too
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets
I'm trying, I'm trying
To let you know just how much you mean to me
And after all the things we put each other through
I would drive on to the end with you
A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full
And I feel like there's nothing left to do
But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running
But this time, I mean it
I'll let you know just how much you mean to me
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying..
To let you know how much you mean
As days fade, and nights grow
And we go cold
But this time, we'll show them
We'll show them all how much we mean
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of every...
As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms
Forever, forever
Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning
Forever, and ever
Know how much I want to show you you're the only one
Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun
And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood
And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down
And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down
I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood
I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever...
Towards the end I broke down, and I mean fucking just broke down completely. I had dropped to the floor, tears were streaming from my eyes. I was completely hysterical.
"He loved you too, Frank... I can tell by this painting that he loved you so fucking much. I don't know what happened between you, but I do know you can't ignore this," he said, kneeling down beside me holding me yet again as I cried into his shoulder.
I looked up for a brief second and my eye caught sight of some more words that were written towards the bottom of the painting.
It read:
When you go..
Just know that I will remember you
If living was the hardest part
We'll then one day be together
And in the end we'll fall apart
Just like the leaves change in colors..
And then I will be with you
I will be there one last time now
I lost my fear of falling
I will be with you
I will be with you...
"Everything happens for a reason, Frank..." he whispered to me. "What's meant to be will always find it's way."
Mikey's words kept ringing in my head as my phone kept ringing in my pocket.
I knew it was Brendon calling to see where the hell I was.
What was I going to do now...?