The Past is Only the Future with the Lights On

Note to self: being friends with the boy you're secretly in love with is much better than watching him hold hands in the hallways with the girl you currently wish would go play in traffic. On the freeway. While a bomb is attached to her skinny little body.

I hadn't meant it so literally when I'd told Frank to go back to his girlfriend that day in the rain. I hadn't meant any of it! I didn't even know they were dating. Had they been an "item" when he kissed me?

Ah, when he kissed me. Not a day went by that I didn't think about that. Why had he done that to begin with? Was it just a way to shut me up? For me to forget the whole situation. 'Cause he knew me better than that. It would have taken much more than a kiss to forget.

Another thing that had happened everyday since I spoke those last words to him; I regretted speaking those last words to him.

Now, having gone nearly a whole three weeks without any contact with him, I realized just how much I needed him. Our last argument only lasted a week, so it wasn't as hard to cope with, but this. Three weeks was intangible.

Sure, I had Mikey and Dahlia, whom Frank and I had been treating like our children after just having a divorce, the two of them spending so much time with one of us before going off to hang out with the other, but it wasn't the same. It was almost like I was in too deep. I needed Frank in order to survive. The happiness Mikey and D brought me was no where close to the happiness Frank gave me when we were together.

I guess that’s what happens when you love someone. . .

I'd see him in the hallways, holding Victoria's hand or tickling her side, or in class, when we'd be completely ignoring each other, though I'd be throwing quick, sneaky glances in his direction every so often. I really hated fighting with him, but what could fix this?

Why did I have to tell him those terrible things in the rain? And why was he actually listening to me for once? Why wasn't he going against my words, as usual?

I was so looking forward to the daythat hoe Victoria left Jersey and moved to where ever it was she was moving, as bad as it sounded. I just really wanted to be on good terms again with Frank.

Everyday, I could feel a little piece of me breaking off and everyday, I just felt more helpless and incomplete. Like I was incapable of doing anything anymore.

But still, even if Victoria were to move out of the country, how could things work with Frank again?

I'd told him to stay out of my life, and so far, he was obliging - why, I had no clue.

And from what Mikey and D said, he's enjoying his time with his girlfriend. That made me feel a little sick. But it was no where near as bad as I felt when I actually had to see them. They always had to have some kind of contact with each other, too.

Whether it be holding hands, a simple touch of the shoulder or the exchange of saliva, they were always touching each other.

There was no way in hell Frank wanted to be friends with me again. We'd just continue through high school, ignoring each other unless we'd accidentally made eye contact, in which case we'd glare, and sharing our friends.

There was something about this fight that was different than the last; it seemed more tense. The stares were harder, the shoulders were colder, and now I lay in bed, knowing that he was off being happy with his girlfriend.

Life was really intent on making me suffer this time around.

Another note to self: Life sucks. Never befriend your gorgeous neighbor if there is a possibility of you falling for him. He'll just play with your heart and end up shattering it into a million pieces in the long run.