The Past is Only the Future with the Lights On

“Hey, grams?” I spoke for the first time to my grandmother all evening since I’d arrived home from school. We had been sitting on the couch for nearly an hour now, watching a rerun of Cops as my grandma knitted away and I stared blankly - and silently - at the screen, not really hearing or seeing anything.

She glanced at me, acknowledging that I had her attention and that I could carry on. “Uhm…”

Ever since my encounter with Frank at lunch nearly a week ago, I had done nothing but think. With it getting so close to the end of the year, I really wasn’t sure what would happen - between me, Frank, Skyler, and anyone else for that matter. Which certainly had me worried. I had just told Skyler I would go to prom with him, when I was no where near getting over Frank. What if I spent the rest of my days, going from guy to guy in hopes of finding someone who would make me happier than Frank did, and never found him? When, all along, all I really wanted was Frank? Like I still do now.

“What is it, hun?” grandma asked me, dropping her hands to her lap, her forehead creased with concern. “You can tell me.”

Sweet, oblivious grandma. Having no clue whatsoever what was going on in my head and heart at that moment. Not knowing what internal battle I was having with myself. That I was using one of the sweetest and most loving guys I’d ever met to get over the one I truly wanted.

“Is this about Skyler and Frank?”

Okay…maybe she did have some sort of a clue.

But how did she do that?

My jaw slightly ajar, I nodded my head, at a loss for words.

“Oh honey. I’m sorry. I’ve been there and back, and know what you’re going through; how hard this must be for you,” she said in her comforting voice, her face at the most sincere I’d seen it in a while.

“Y-you do?” I asked, surprised.

Grandpa was all I ever knew. As far as I was concerned, there had never been anyone else. I just could never picture her with another man.

She nodded her head a few times, smiling fondly at some memory.

“I sure do,” she started, and I simply stared at her with my wide eyes, urging her to continue. To help me, somehow. “I was seventeen, and was absolutely sure I’d found the love of my life…the one that I could honestly see myself with for the rest of my days…” she trailed off, staring at the dust particles in front of her face as she recalled this memory.

I couldn’t help but smile at my grandma as she told her story.

“I had been so wrapped up with this guy, that I hadn’t even noticed the new faces on my block. He was all I knew. All I wanted. But then something happened…something that changed everything…”

I was vaguely aware of the ever growing smile on the aging woman’s face. Her eyes began to water ever so slightly, but I said nothing about it as I listened intently.

She cleared her throat and lightly wiped her eyes. “I met someone else…Someone I became great friends with. Well, my boyfriend didn’t like him very much, because he didn’t like the thought of me hanging out with other guys that he didn’t know - or like. So he told me it was time for me to make a decision. Him? Or my new best friend that I was slowly, but surely, falling in love with?”

A decision? Hmm. Boy did that sound familiar. Actually, this whole thing sounded pretty close to my situation, only slightly reversed in a way.

“And who did you choose? What was your decision?” I asked her, totally engrossed in every word she spoke.

Her smile only grew as she clutched her left hand and played with something on her finger. A ring, maybe? “My best friend. The man who made me feel like the only girl on the planet and who made me happiest…Your grandfather.”

My eyes also began to water up as I smiled. “That’s so cute, grams. I didn’t know there had been someone else, before grandpa,” I told her.

She nodded her head. “So what’s your Skyler-Frank problem, sweetie?” she queried, sounding genuinely interested.

I thought about my ‘Skyler-Frank problem’ for a second, this routine all too familiar to me. I was tired of thinking. I was tired of wondering what I would do. What the consequences of what I did would be. For once, I just wanted all of the answers to be laid out in front of me. Things would be so much easier.

But it didn’t happen like that. I couldn’t just have someone tell me what to do. This was something I would have to do by myself, and whatever happened, happened.

I was living the modern day version of my grandma’s story.

And I now knew what my decision would be - what it had to be.

“You know, grams…I think you’ve already helped me out enough,” I told her, smiling gratefully. I quickly stood up, grabbed my hoodie and pulled my Chuck’s on.

“Oh. Well, glad I could help then,” she said, sounding almost unsure of the words coming from her mouth as she stared oddly at me.

I practically flew out the door, jogging down the few stairs to the pathway. Once I was on the sidewalk, I slowed to a normal speed, my breath already chaotic and heavy as my heart beat wildly like a caged animal inside me.

What was I doing?

I still had yet to figure that out. All I knew was that I had to talk to Frank. Because I had a decision to make. And this decision was suddenly very clear to me.

I stuffed my hands in the front pockets of my pants as I walked, planning out in my head just what I would say.

Some time during my walk to Mikey’s house, where I could distinctly remember Frank telling me he’d be, Skyler’s face popped into my thoughts. What would I tell him? I couldn’t possibly tell Frank anything unless I’d properly talked to Skyler. That just wouldn’t be fair.

So I stopped completely in my tracks, outside of an unfamiliar house, and ran my hands stressfully through my hair as I sighed. Unsure of what to do, I settled with plopping down on the curb and letting my head fall down onto my knees.

Dealing with boys really was stressful. I don’t suggest doing such a thing. Especially when two are involved.

Ready to begin pulling locks of my purple and blue hair out, the sound of the Aquabats’ Pool Party playing met my ears.

I sighed once more - this time from relief for having something saveme my hair - and pulled my phone out, automatically placing it to my ear, my head still resting uncomfortably on my knees.

“My life sucks,” I answered with fake enthusiasm, unable to read the ID, what with my face hidden and all.

“Well, then. I think its about to get a lot better,” a familiar voice responded, sounding extremely happy for some reason.

Surprised by this voice, my head shot up and I had to pull the phone away from my face to check the ID in order to fully believe who was calling me.

“Ray?” I asked, shocked.

“Kelly?!” Ray asked with a noticeably false gasp, mimicking my shock. “Yes, silly. Ray. And Ray needs to talk to Kelly. ASAP. Does Kelly know when Kelly will be available?”

I laughed, shaking my head at my friends silliness. “Kelly only knows if Ray stops talking in third person,” I responded, smiling to myself.

“Sorry,” he replied sheepishly. “So when can you hang out? We sorta need to talk.”

I suppose I should have been worried as to why Ray of all people needed to talk to me - or even why he said my life was about to get better. I mean, sure, we were close and all, but it wasn’t the type of relationship where you just called each other out of the blue to talk and hang out. It was more like, ‘Hey. We’re all hanging out. So…I’ll see ya then.’ But I had too many things on my plate to even be phased by this.

“Well, I could use some distractions right about now,” I told him honestly. I rose to my feet and brushed off my pants with my free hand.

“Uhm…yeaaaaahh…” Ray said, and I could practically picture his fro bouncing back and forth as he nodded his head unconvincingly. “Can you meet me at the park?”

I glanced around the neighborhood I was currently standing in. Thankfully, the park was in between my house and Mikey’s, so turning around and walking back wouldn’t be necessary.

“Sure thing, Ray-Ray. I’ll be there in a bit.”

I slid my phone back into my pocket and continued walking, this time to the park instead of Mikey’s place.

Upon arriving, I was greeted by the sight of two of my friends’ smiling faces, swinging carelessly on the playground.