The Past is Only the Future with the Lights On

“People make mistakes…Mine just happened to be convincing myself I might be able to be more than your best friend.”

The words Frank had last spoken to me seemed to resemble a broken record in my mind, playing on repeat over and over and over again. I just could not get over the fact that he had basically admitted to having feelings for me, and then walked away, not even letting me get a word of how I felt about the matter in. It was all so…frustrating.

As I walked into the gym, decorated for the dance with bright lights and other things to match its’ Hollywood theme, Dahlia and Mikey by my side, I let my eyes wander the dance floor for some sign of my best friend. I wasn’t having much luck though. The happy couple seemed to notice the distinct disappointment and sheer urge to cry in my eyes and quickly tried to reverse that.

“Give him some time, Kelly. He’ll come when he’s ready,” Dahlia said reassuringly, patting my forearm.

This just made me mad. “What about when I’m ready? You’d think he’d take my feelings into consideration, as well,” I stated, folding my arms over my black and pink dress childishly.

I didn’t really expect a response from either of them. I mean, what could they say to make things better? Nothing.

Mikey shot me a sympathetic smile. I stared at my two friends, their hands conjoined. I felt terrible for dragging them into this. All I was doing was making them have a lousy time. Those weren’t my intentions. I’d go find some corner to sit and sulk in so they could have their good time and I wouldn’t have to be the third wheel.

“I’m gonna….go get some fresh air,” I mumbled to the two of them, despite the fact that we hadn’t even been there five minutes. They exchanged a look quickly, then nodded their heads and watched as I walked off, right back out the double doors.

The air was crisp and clean for being an early June night in Jersey. I strategically weaved through a group of seniors, huddled around the entrance, talking. Was it really that hard to step two feet inside and converse? You really had to stand in the doorway and make an obstacle for those entering and leaving? Dumb fucks.

My black Converse covered feet - there was no way I was wearing heels to a school dance - carried me to a lunch table placed a few yards away from the gym. As I rubbed at the ink on my finger subconsciously, I realized it was the same table I had agreed to go out with Skyler at. I laughed at the slight irony of this.

Behind me I could hear the loud chatter of people arriving for the dance, talking about how they couldn’t believe this was it, the end of high school and they really hope to get some tonight and what are you wearing to graduation tomorrow?! But I paid no attention to their mindless rambling. Instead, I used my segregation to my advantage, and thought. Mainly about Frank, but anyone could have guessed that.

I thought about our trip to Atlantic city; what a fun and interesting day that was. The day we all painted my bedroom; how I’d gotten paint on his perfection and he wrote some amazing lyrics that would permanently stick in my head on my wall. When we went to the mall together; he had written ‘Frank hearts Kelly’ across our knuckles. That only triggered another train of thought, to something else he’d said that day. It was about living in the moment and not playing it safe. I couldn’t help but think he was a bit hypocritical about his words and that he wasn’t living by them. “I'd rather regret doing something completely stupid than regretnot doing something,” he’d once said. If that was true, than why wasn’t he just taking a freaking chance with me? With us? It made no sense to me.

I so badly wanted everything between us to be normal again. I hated keeping a distance from him, and I knew he hated keeping one from me as well.

The sound of squealing girls made me turn and look back at the entrance for the dance, only to see that they were squealing over the arrival of some varsity football player, whatever his name was…I didn’t really care. However, when I spun back around in my seat, someone was now sat across from me. It startled me at first - I hadn’t even heard him walk over and sit down. At first, we simply stared at each other, no emotion on either of our faces. Then, I allowed my face to soften and smiled warmly at the boy sat at the table.

“You came,” I breathed out, suddenly feeling extremely lightheaded.

He said nothing in response, which confused my slightly. I reached over the table to grab his hand that was resting on top of it, but instead, my hand came in contact with the lunch table. When I looked back up, he had disappeared. I was still alone at my table, and now, I was becoming delusional. Shuddering, I rose to my feet and made my way back inside to my friends. The last thing I needed was to be alone and imagining things.

I must have waited an hour and a half for Frank to show up. When I realized Mikey hadn’t taken his phone out once, which would signal a text message of some sort, I’d finally given up on him.

“I think I’m gonna head home. You two have a good time,” I said to my friends over the loud, annoying pop song the DJ was playing, ignoring the worried glances they were shooting each other.

I was right when I thought my presence and mood would bring them down as well. They hadn’t left my side once ever since I came back in from ‘getting some fresh air’. Normally, I would have appreciated the fact that they were so concerned about my behavior. But now it was just getting on my nerves. Frank wasn’t going to show up, I wasn’t going to get a word in with him, and I would just end up living my life in some old, abandoned home with my twenty-seven dogs. And at this point? I was absolutely fine with that.

When I tried to walk away, D grabbed my arm. “What about tonight? You were gonna stay at my house… Plus, all of your stuff is there…” she said in attempt to get me to stay. But really, what was the point? I wasn’t enjoying myself, and in doing so, I was ruining her and her date’s night.

I just shrugged, pulling my arm free of her grasp. “I’ll get it tomorrow,” I said simply, this time walking away successfully from them. If they knew better, they wouldn’t go after me. That would just cause more havoc between the lot of us.

The temperature had noticeably dropped since my last visit outside. As I walked off the school campus to make my way back home, I hugged my arms to my chest, hoping to provide some sort of heat. It was a pretty lousy attempt, too. By the time I was a block away from the school, goosebumps covered every inch of my arms, and my teeth had begun to chatter.

I had also realized that walking home alone at this hour probably wasn’t the smartest thing for an eighteen year old girl to do. I had been told so many months ago by the same boy I was now walking away from, per say. The day I had gone looking for him at the park Mikey told me I’d be able to find him at. The park Frank said he went to when he needed to clear his head or be alone at. It made me wonder if this was one of those times…