The Past is Only the Future with the Lights On

I continued on my way to my house, only now, I had a stop to make. The park was in between the school and my house, so I only had a short distance to walk to get there. I didn’t want to get my hopes up again, in the case that Frank wasn’t really there, but I couldn’t help but feel optimistic, for once in what felt like weeks.

As the glistening park fence came into view, shining under the orange streetlights, I sucked in a huge breath and didn’t release it. I kept it in until I reached the gate, and then proceeded to silently let it out. Closing the gate door behind me, I allowed my eyes to wander over the dimness that was the barely-lit park. The play structures seemed to be completely bare, along with the swings, and the only sign of movement in the sand was that of the wind, blowing fallen leaves across the powdery substance.

And for a second, I thought I was going to break down and cry at the sight of the completely vacant play area, when all of a sudden, the sound of a lighter flicking and willing a spark of fire to emerge ceased these actions from occurring. With a glint of hope in my watery eyes, I glanced on the other side of the slide, only to see a figure sitting on the round-a-bout with its back to me. A figure known as none other than Frank Iero.

My breath caught in my throat as I took small, shaky steps over to Frank. I was so terrified at this moment by the possibilities of what could happen, my stomach filled with unwanted butterflies, and my entire body seemed unstable. But who could blame me? I was finally about to let out a secret I’d been keeping from my best friend for nearly a year now.

If he had heard my entrance, he made no note in showing so. He kept still for the most part, remaining with his back to me, only moving to bring what appeared to be a cigarette to his mouth with his right hand, and then tilting his head slightly back to release the clouds of smoke. I couldn’t help but feel as if I was the reason Frank was starting this filthy habit…

With each step I took, I was brought closer and closer to the oblivious boy smoking his cig on the metal play structure. Once I was close enough to him, I made an attempt to say something significant to him. Key word in that sentence; attempt.

“You didn’t go to the dance…” I said quietly, feeling rather lame for not being able to think of something better.

Frank instantly turned in his spot to look at me, shocked by my presence, then faced the other way again, nodding his head once. I looked down awkwardly at my black Chucks, unsure of what to do next. He brought the cigarette to his lips anther time as I walked over to him, stopping to stand right in front of him, practically on the tips of his shoes. We said nothing to each other. Instead, we just stared into each others’ eyes, no emotion on either of our faces. Finally, he spoke.

“Why are you here, Kelly?” he asked with a bored sigh. He flicked the ash off his cancer stick before taking another, purposely longer-than-normal drag.

I straightened out the skirt of my dress, trying to keep in a cough from my now contaminated breathing air. I racked my brain for something lighter to tell him, before just jumping into, “Uh, cuz I’m in love with you. Duhh.” Suddenly, I remembered something; a promise I’d made him.

Smirking down at him, I grabbed onto his free hand and pulled him to his feet. Giving him a stern look, I plucked the cigarette from in between his fingers and threw it to the ground, stomping it out. He stared down at me with his jaw dropped, and I couldn’t tell if he was more pissed or surprised by my actions.

“Frank Anthony Iero, I don’t ever want to see you smoking another one of those again. You hear me?” I told him firmly, poking my finger into his chest.

He was ready to retaliate with something. Something that probably wasn’t very intelligent. I could read it in his eyes. The way he pursed his mouth together several times before emitting another sigh, giving in.

“I was just doing it to lessen the stress, Kells. You don’t have to freak out on me,” he said, brushing his hair out of those gorgeous hazel eyes.

I smiled, returning to my ‘promise’. Taking a hold of his hands, I placed them gently on my hips, laughing at his confused expression before resting my hands on his shoulders and pulling him closer to me.

“Kelly? Whatcha doin?” he asked nonchalantly, though I could see his adam’s apple subtly move up and down when he cleared his throat almost nervously.

“Keeping the promise I’d made my best friend about a week ago,” I said simply, closing the distance between us by resting my head on his shoulder.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, silently swaying in each others’ arms in the darkness of the park, no music necessary. I could tell as the seconds progressed into minutes, Frank’s once stiff body was gradually relaxing. Finally, he leaned down and placed his lips directly next to my ear, his breath warm and slightly stale from smoking.

“You look beautiful tonight, Kelly,” he whispered, leaving a soft kiss on my cheek.

I blushed, pulling away so I could look him in the eye. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Iero,” I said with a cheesy grin, glancing over his black tux and shoes that practically mirrored my own.

Without another thought crossing my mind, I slowly began to lean into him as he followed, probably not thinking much either, then stopped, his lips centimeters from my own.

“You know, Kells…I’ve learned to cherish every kiss we share,” he told me, speaking just above a whisper, raising one of his hands from my waist to tuck a strand of my black hair behind me ear, pain clearly etched in his eyes, before his finger traced my lips, “because I never know when our next one will be.”

I said nothing in response. If he was ready to talk, I was going to let him with no interruptions. Besides, I think we both had quite a bit to get off our chests.

“Look, I’m sorry if it has seemed like I’ve been ignoring you for the last couple weeks or anything. It’s just…it’s hard to watch you with Skyler, day after day, the two of you completely happy when I-…” he trailed off, lost in his thoughts as he looked down.

Releasing a sigh, I tilted his head back up, his eyes instantly meeting my own. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about him anymore.”

Frank furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, tilting his head slightly. I simply shook my head in response, not wanting to get into any details, just yet.

We stood there, motionless, until Frank completely pulled away, allowing my arms to drop at my sides. It was his turn to let out a sigh as he sat back down on the round-a-bout, stressfully running his fingers through his hair, straight in the front and spiked in the back.

“Remember that day in the rain, Kelly? The day I kissed you and you-…you pushed me away?” he asked, smiling almost cynically in attempt to hide the sorrow I could distinctly pick out in his voice. “Well, I was hoping to see what your reaction would be, because I knew that if you kissed me back, you might actually want to be with me.” I couldn’t understand what his laugh meant when he said that to me, whether he was trying to conceal the fact that he was embarrassed by that or not. Truth be told, I was actually rather embarrassed by it. I mean, I hadn’t even realized that’s what he was trying to accomplish by kissing me. Oblivious, much?

A few more minutes of silence continued from there as he sat there and I stood in front of him awkwardly, finally deciding to sit down next to him. I heard another sigh pass his lips before he quietly mumbled my name, catching my attention.

"I don't know how this will affect our friendship, though I'm almost positive it will be for the worse, but its something I've been holding on to for a while, and I've finally decided its time for me to get it out. I doubt you'll ever want to see my face again, but at least you'll know the truth.”

I looked at him suspiciously, waiting for him to continue as he avoided my stare. “Before I met you, Kelly, I was dating the most horrible girl in school. And I didn't care. I was getting what I wanted, she was getting what she wanted.” I silently glared at the thought of Taylor. “Then you came into the picture, and it took me a while to realize that, that wasn't what I wanted. You changed my entire perspective on relationships. You taught me how to love and showed me that it really did exist. However, over time, I started wanting more than just hugs and sleepovers from you - though I loved those none the less. I wanted you to be mine, and vice versa.”

This was it. This is what I had waited all day for. Frank was, at last, going to explain his feelings to me. Smiling softly at him, I urged him to finish.

“But then something happened. When I was finally believing the guys and that what they said about you liking me back was true, Skyler came along. It was clear that you liked him and wanted nothing more than friendship from me,” he said, still staring at the ground. I frowned, also looking down. “So I figured I'd be able to respect your wishes and leave you alone. But that is so much easier said than done.”

He shook his head frantically, abruptly standing up to pace the ground in front of me back and forth.

“I cant leave you alone, Kelly. I'm fucking in love with you and you don't even realize it!"

He was getting mad. And I didn't like it. An upset Frank could actually be quite frightening. I started to slowly stand up and back away from him, my heart accelerating not only from the words spilling from his mouth, but at the sight of his clenched fists and beet red face.

"I've been in love with you for straight fucking months now, and there's nothing I could do about it. You were too good for me, I knew I didn't deserve you. I knew I wouldn't be able to make you happy. Yet, somehow, these feelings wouldn't die down. And they've been eating away at my insides since I first realized they were there." He paused for a second, wiping the back of his arm over his now wet eyes before continuing. "Do you know what its like to go so long, loving someone, only to know from the beginning that it would be a waste? That their feelings wouldn’t end up the same as yours? No! You fucking don't! 'Cause you're too damn blind to see how much I fucking care about you!"

One look. That's all it took. One look and he saw just how terrified I was of him right now. His eyes were now bright red, shimmering with lively flames of disgust and regret.

I had to say something. Something to let him know that I loved him as well, in the sense that he was referring too. But words were not on my side right now. I opened my mouth to talk, but it protested against me and I just let out a low whimper.

Frank's face became a bit more calm, and he dropped the level of his voice, probably worried that I'd run away or something because of how badly he'd managed to alarm me.

"I'm sorry, Kelly. I didn't mean to scare you...I just...can't even begin to explain how I feel. And it just, it kills me inside, knowing that I can never have you."

He looked down in shame. Or maybe it was to hide the tears sliding down his red, sweaty cheeks. I couldn't be too sure. All I knew was that Frank really did love me. He really did want more than a friendship with me. And here I was, dumbstruck, unable to say anything to show how I felt, despite the fact that I had been informed of this and should have seen it coming. Still, hearing him say this was all so overwhelming for me to handle.

But I couldn't pass up something like this. And I knew it. I'd have to say something, whether it happened to kill me or not. I had to tell him after a confession of his own like this.

"I - I," I started, pathetically stuttering. He quickly looked up at me, his eyes and face now hopeful, encouraging me to continue with what I was going to say. "I know how much you care," I said in response to his previous statement.

What the hell was that? Here he was, spilling out his heart and soul to me, and that’s all I can muster? I was definitely going to have to do better than that.

At the release of my words, I noticed Frank's finally unclenched hand go back into secure mode, his jaw tighten and his eyes get furious for a second time. By now, his pacing had ceased and he was only stood about two feet from me. Just out of my grasp.

I opened my mouth once more, but Frank cut in before I could get even a word out.

“I’m sorry for wasting your time, Kelly. And I’m exceptionally sorry I’ve just ruined the greatest friendship I’ve ever had and, no doubt, ever will have.”

He turned on his heel and began to walk away, leaving me dumbstruck in my spot. I stared at him, trying my hardest not to cry, before taking a deep breath and following after him, calling his name to stop him, which he reluctantly did.

"What I meant to say was-" suddenly, so sudden, in fact, that I couldn't even explain it, something came over. I knew what I had to say and this something was going to make me say it. "Fuck, Frank. You call me blind, but you're the oblivious one. Even when you had a girlfriend and I knew you were off-limits, I couldn't help but want you for myself! So don't you dare begin to whine about how you've had this eating away at you! I've been dealing with this since fucking Septem-"

And that was it.

That was all I managed to get out.

Sure, I had noticed his face zooming in on my own. But it never really clicked in my head what he was possibly about to do. But now, with his calloused hands glued to the sides of my face and his lips connected to my own, eager yet gentle, I was absolutely fine with that. He knew what I was trying to say.

A wave of sorrow washed over me when he pulled away, but the look on his face told me he would soon be back for more.

“Kelly, I’ve waited nearly an entire year to ask you this; will you be my girlfriend?” he asked, though the grin on his face was a clear sign that he already knew my answer.

“Frank,” I imitated him, “I’ve waited nearly an entire year to tell you this; …yes.”

His smile only widened as those words were released from my mouth, and just as I thought he was about to reattach his to mine, he smirked and fished around for something in his pants pockets. Grinning triumphantly, he pulled out a tiny orange tube which I recognized to be a thing of Orange Soda chapstick, and removed the lid before applying some.

“You better get used to this. ‘Cause I don’t see myself leaving you alone any time soon,” he told me with a smirk, hungrily attaching his lips to mine.

When I was able to break away, I licked the orange flavoring on my lips and, with a smile, said, “I wouldn’t want it any other way.”