I Only Had Eyes For You

May 4, 2010

I really wanted to rub the concert in your face, but seeing how we weren’t on very good terms, that wasn’t really possible.

There were now nights that I knew of parties that I didn’t go to.

Don’t try to flatter yourself in thinking that you are the reason I chose not to go, because you’re not.

Okay, even in my own diary, I can’t lie to myself.

You are the reason I’m staying home. I can’t face you if we aren’t going to talk. Or if we do, it’s completely awkward and feels like it shouldn’t be happening.

Right before Christmas break I went to a small party. You weren’t there, so I was able to have fun. I decided I now liked small parties more than big ones.

Then, it was Christmas and everyone went home for the holidays. I was slowly starting to forget about you. I was able to go days at a time without thinking your name once. Or seeing your face and remembering everything.

I was getting my life back.

When I went out, it was because I wanted to, not because I wanted to impress you or make sure you weren’t getting with any other girls at parties.

I was working a lot and really that was all I did. I would hang out with friends once in a while, but it didn’t need to be a nightly thing anymore.

There really weren’t many parties anymore, so I guess it didn’t matter if we weren’t close anymore, I never saw you.

Until mid January. It was the first party I had heard about in a while. I decided to go, but I honestly didn’t expect you to be there. I guess I wasn’t thinking.

But all of a sudden there you were and all my feelings came rushing back.

We were able to talk better now. Almost as if we were starting over, without having to be introduced or the awkward ‘I just met you so I don’t know what to talk about’ feeling.

I was thinking about you again, but a few days after the party, you were once again forgotten.

One Sunday, I went with my friend Sam to a play at her old high school. She introduced me to her old friends and I met a boy named Connor. For his age, he was really cute and we started talking. We had talked a little bit on facebook courtesy of Sam, but it wasn’t the same as in person.

The next day, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

I said yes.

I would visit him every other weekend and on Thursdays when we both didn’t work. It wasn’t much, but it was all I could afford to. He lived two hours away.

I thought everything was going good with him. We had been dating about a month and a half when it happened, we broke up.

Apparently, things weren’t going as well as I saw them. After the break up, I was depressed. I cried for four hours that night. Which really, was kind of pathetic, but I couldn’t help it. I thought I loved him.

For the next week, I could barely eat. Food repulsed me, just looking at it made me feel sick.

I slowly started to be able to eat again. My friends were really great.

Connor kind of reminded me of you, which maybe, was why I liked him so much.

I might not ever know.

We still weren’t talking.