Shooting Stars and Satellites

I could barely see his face, hazy and blurry, but the way his smile met his brown eyes, I knew it was him. I reached my hand out to touch him, but just as my hand came into contact with his skin, he fell away from me. My body fell to the ground, and as I looked up, he was laying on the ground, too.

There was a gun being pointed at him, and I began screaming and yelling, telling him to get up and run, but it was of no use. He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, as if he didn't notice the gun or hear me. The sound of the shot rang through my eardrums and I began screaming at the top of my lungs. It was then that I realized my screams weren't leaving my mouth; no sound was coming out. I tried to get up, so I could run to him, but it was as if gravity was working against me, keeping me glued to the ground. More gunshots sounded, and as I had done before, I began screaming.

"Alaska! Alaska, wake up!" a voice yelled in my ear. I jerked and my eyes fluttered open. I gasped in a breath of air and looked to see who had woken me up; Kennedy. "You were screaming again, 'Laska. Are you okay?" he asked, looking truly concerned.

I shook my head, realizing the tears I thought I had only cried in my dream, were, in actuality, streaming down my face. I sat up and leaned my back against the headboard, pulling my knees to my chest. Kenny gave me a look, just as our parents ran into my room.

"Oh, Alaska!" my mom cried, coming to my bed and wrapping her arms around me. She began rocking me back and forth as I cried on her shoulder.

My dad rested his hand on Kennedy's shoulder. "Come on, son, let's give your sister some space."

With a sigh, he rose to his feet and walked out of my room. My father placed a kiss on my forehead before walking out as well.

"Was it the same dream?" my mom asked, finally, after a few moments had passed. I nodded my head and she gave me a wary look. "Alaska, you've been having this same dream for nearly two weeks. Maybe ... Maybe if you would just go see that therapist your fath-"

I shook my head. "I don't want to see a therapist, mom."

She sighed. "Honey, I can only imagine the pain you're going through, but I know that this is something you're going to need help with. You're not going to be able to make this all go away," she told me, tucking strands of my hair behind my ear.

I sniffled. "I don't need a therapist."

"Alaska, please just-"

"No. The only thing I want right now, is to be left alone. Please?"

She patted my knee before standing up and walking to my door. "We love you, baby."

I nodded my head. "I know." She gave me a sad smile before walking out, closing the door behind her.

I buried my head in my lap and let the remaining tears in my eyes fall. I had been having these dreams for two weeks, since Gavin's funeral, and each dream only makes me more and more frustrated. It feels like I'm screaming and crying so much, but I can never make a sound or a move in the dream. I just stay laying on the street, and I'm forced to watch the boy I love be shot. Over and over and over.

I pressed the ends of my palms to my eyes, letting out a shaky breath. Since his funeral, I've also locked myself in my room, refusing to see or talk to anyone. I know they all think I'm being irrational about Gavin's death, but they don't understand.

It hurts to think, because all I can think of is him. It hurts to see anyone, because I can't see him. It hurts to know that while the rest of the world is smiling and laughing, I can't. But, most of all, it hurts to be alive, because he isn't.

I kicked my blanket, making it fall to the ground, before getting up and walking to my closet. I grabbed the green jacket hanging right in the center and walked back to my bed, laying down. I clutched the jacket to my chest, and buried my face in the collar. It still held his scent, and that only made the hole in my heart grow wider. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine him lying beside me.

Memories are all I have left of him, and I hated it. I didn't want memories. I wanted to be making them.

______________________________________________________

"Alaska," a voice called sofly, shaking me. I opened my eyes, seeing a fuzzy looking Kennedy. He smiled brightly and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "I know that you had a rough night, we all did, but I was hoping you'd come out with me today."

I pushed myself up, rubbing my puffy and tired eyes. "I really-"

"It's Pat's birthday, Alaska. He was really hoping you'd come to his party ... Even if it's only for a little while."

I sighed. "Kenny, I love Pat and I know that he's hoping I'll come, but I really can't. I don't feel like seeing anyone today."

"You've been saying that since Gavin's funeral, 'Laska."

"I know," I whispered.

He sighed and took a seat on the edge of the bed. "Look, I can't say that I know what it feels like to be going through what you're going through, because I don't. However, I know what pain feels like and it's the ugliest emotion a person can ever experience. I know that you feel alone right now, Alaska, but you're not. You have me, mom, dad, Roxie, and the guys, who all love and care about you. I know we're not Gavin, and that no one could or should ever replace him, but we love you all the same. All I'm asking is for you to get up, for this one day, and attend your friend's birthday party, because he misses you ... We all miss you."

I looked at him and he gave me a heartwarming smile. The last thing I wanted to do was leave my bed, but I knew that I would have to do it someday, and Pat's birthday seemed like the perfect reason to. However, it was still hard to imagine going back out in the world. I nodded my head and Kenny pulled me into a hug.

"The party starts in about two hours, but I promised Pat I'd get there a little earlier, so you should start getting ready."

I arched my brows. "What time is it?"

"Six. You've been out cold all day," he chuckled.

"Oh."

He stood up. "At least there were no dreams, though, right?" I nodded my head, and he made his way to the door. "Well, I'll let you get ready."

He left and I looked down at my feet, feeling completely uneasy about actually getting up and going out. I sighed and stood up, grabbing my towels from my closet and walking to the bathroom.

_______________________________________________________________

I pulled the sleeves of my dark grey sweater down as I came to the last step of the stairs. I was extremely nervous about going to Pat’s party. As much as I loved him, going out, and being around others, was the last thing I wanted to do.

“Alaska, you may have been locked up in your room for forever, but it’s still summer, and we still live in Tempe. You’re going to burn up wearing that,” Kennedy told me, grabbing his keys from the counter by the door.

I shrugged and walked to the door, opening it. “Let’s just go before I change my mind.”

He nodded his head and we walked out to his car. He pressed a few buttons before a song came playing on the radio. He began drumming his fingers on the wheel, and I stared out of my window, not really wanting to make small talk. I could already feel the sweat beads forming on my forehead, and I sighed, wiping it away with the back of my hand. I’ve lived in Tempe my whole life and I knew that wearing any sort of long sleeve, especially in the summer, was a bad idea. But after looking at everything in my closet, it seemed like the best thing to wear. Everything I owned was either shorts or tank tops, and I wasn’t comfortable exposing myself like that – not anymore.

We pulled into the driveway of Pat’s house all too soon, and Kenny looked at me. “You okay?”

I nodded my head. “I’m fine.”

“Alright then, let’s go inside.” He opened his door to get out, and I did the same.

Kennedy didn’t knock as we reached the door, but simply turned the doorknob, and we both went inside. There were streamers of all colors on the walls and a bright, silver banner hung over the threshold of the living room, reading ‘happy birthday’. A long white table had been pushed to the corner of the room, filled with everything from chips and dip to finger sandwiches and drinks.

“Kenny!” Jared yelled, coming into the room. His green eyes widened as he saw me. “Alaska!” He ran and enveloped me in a hug, nearly crushing me to death.

“Ja – Jared!” I coughed.

He laughed as he pulled away. “I’m sorry. We just haven’t seen you in forever!”

I gave him a small smile. “Yeah, I know … Sorry about that.”

“No worries! Pat’s going to flip a nut when he sees you here!”

“Okay, Jared, fruit punch or berry punch?” Pat asked, holding two cartons of Minute Maid juice in each of his hands.

“Fruit,” Kenny said.

“Ken, when-“ he stopped short when he noticed me standing in the room. “Alaska!” he squealed and over, throwing the two cartons into Jared’s stomach before giving me a big hug. “You came!”

“I did,” I smiled, pulling out of the hug. “Happy birthday, Pat.”

He smiled. “Thanks, Alaska! I’m so glad you’re here!”

Soon enough Garrett joined us in the room, just as surprised to see me as Jared and Pat had been. A few minutes had passed before I noticed one boy was missing.

“Where’s John?” I asked.

Jared looked up from his phone, smirking. “Getting alcohol for tonight with Tim. They should be here any minute, actually.”

“That reminds me, you said your parents would be gone until tomorrow, right?” Garrett asked, looking at Pat.

He nodded his head. “Yup!”

“Sweet!” Kenny walked over to the snack table, grabbing a few chips.

I listened as the boys talked, speaking every now and then. Soon enough, knocks began coming from the door as more and more people arrived. I took a seat on the couch, picking at my nails. An eruption of cheers broke out in the room, and I glanced up, seeing John and Tim had finally arrived, armed with plenty of alcohol for the party. They walked to the table and set the bottles and cases of beer down. I stood up, figuring if I was going to stay here the whole night, I would need some sort of help in doing so.

I reached for a can of Bud Light, when another hand reached for it at the same time. I looked up and saw John. He gave me a half smile before looking away quickly and grabbing another beer, wandering off into the crowd. I grabbed the can and popped it open, chugging it down as quick as I could.

I set it down on the table once I was done, and eyed the liquor the boys had bought. Jose Cuervo, Bacardi, Jack Daniel's – bingo. I grabbed the bottle and held it to my stomach, pushing my way through the crowd. I walked into the kitchen, avoiding eye contact with anyone, and walked to the back door, stepping outside.

The Kirch’s backyard was rather big, and surrounded my nothing but dirt and dead trees. I continued walking into the small, dead forest, until I was sure no one from the party could see me. I unscrewed the cap of the bottle in my hands, taking large gulps of the liquid. It burned sliding down my throat, but it was a burn I had grown accustomed to over the years.

I rested my back against a small log, and watched as the partygoers made fools of themselves with their friends. I took another sip and circled the top of the bottle with my thumb. Sneaking away was always something I did with Gavin. I felt tears prick my eyes and I pressed the bottle to my lips, taking another large chug. I wanted to drink away the memories and the pain. Even if I couldn’t forget permanently, temporary memory loss sounded pretty damn good to me.

___________________________________________________________

The sun had long gone down in the sky, darkness overcoming it. There were less people in Pat’s backyard now, but a good amount still remained. My bottle of Jack Daniel’s was nearly half gone and I could feel the alcohol taking its effect. My body temperature had risen considerably, and the pain that I had once been feeling, was starting to numb away.

I watched a girl who had clearly been drinking too much, fall flat on her ass after trying to walk in her six inch heels, and laughed. I laughed so hard that tears came to my eyes. I stuck the bottle back to my lips and chugged away, wanting to laugh more. I could never laugh sober.

I scooted myself down, my head now resting against the log as I laid on the ground. I let out a burp and laughed, not really caring about excusing myself. I drummed the fingers of my right hand on my stomach, humming a song that had entered my mind.

“My girl, my girl, don’t lie to me; tell me where did you sleep last night? In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don’t ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through … My girl, my girl, where will you go? I’m going where the cold wind blows. In the pines, in the pines, where the sun don’t ever shine. I would shiver the whole night through …”

“I found her. I’ll call you back.”

I stopped singing and looked up, seeing John slipping his phone into his pocket. “John!” I slurred.

He laughed and walked over, taking a seat on the ground near me. “How long have you been back here?” I shrugged. He looked down at my hand, seeing the bottle. He grabbed it from me and held it up, looking to see how much was left. “Holy shit, Alaska, did you drink all of this?”

I nodded my head. “Yes sir.”

He shook his head. “Come on, I need to get you inside before Kennedy loses it.”

“I don’t want to go inside.”

“Well you have to, so come on.” He tried to grab my hand and I pulled it away.

“I’m not going inside, John.”

“Alaska, you can’t just fucking sit out here!”

“Don’t worry about me for fuck sakes! Just go back in the house and fucking enjoy yourself like I was!”

“Don’t worry?” he scoffed. “How can I not fucking worry, Alaska?”

I rolled my eyes and swatted my hand at him. “Just go … Please. I want to be alone.”

“No, fuck that! You’ve had two damn weeks to be alone!” he countered, looking at me.

“John, you don’t understand! No one understands!” I yelled, finally letting my anger show. I stood up, and pushed his shoulder, causing him to stumble a bit. “You and everyone else don’t understand how bad it fucking hurts! Every day I wake up and he’s gone! Gone! He’s never coming back, John, and that kills me! So don’t you fucking stand there and expect me to act like everything’s okay, because it’s not!” He didn’t say anything, but pulled me into his arms instead. “He’s everywhere I look, John. I can’t even sleep, because I see him in my dreams. I see him getting shot … Over and over and over again, and I can’t stand it,” I cried.

“Shh,” he cooed in my eyes, rubbing my back with his hands. “I’m going to take you inside and Kennedy’ll take you home, okay?”

I nodded my head, sniffling as he picked me up and carried me bridal style back into Pat’s yard and into the house. Once we were inside, I heard a gasp.

“There you are! Alaska, where the fuck did you go?!” Kennedy asked, breathing heavily.

John shook his head. “She’s had a long night, Kenny. Why don’t you just take her home?”

“Bu-“ he let out a sigh, “You want me to carry her from here?”

“I’ll just take her to the car.”

“Alright.”

John began walking, and I clutched tighter to his chest, feeling the stares of everyone on my back. Once we were outside, Kennedy opened the passenger door and John set me down on the seat. “You okay? You’re not going to throw up, are you?”

I shook my head. “I don’t … I don’t think so.”

He smiled and pulled the seatbelt over me, buckling it. “I’ll see you later, Alaska.”

“Bye, John,” I yawned, suddenly feeling sleep. I heard the door shut, and I leaned my head back, feeling as if I had no energy.

I saw two faces before I fell asleep: Gavin’s and John’s.