Shooting Stars and Satellites

I hadn't left my room since the kiss John and I shared this morning; I was disgusted and ashamed of myself. I shouldn't have given into him, but I did.

I held Gavin's green army jacket to my chest, a new habit of mine. I watched out of my window as the bright yellow sun hung high in the sky, and over time, began descending the horizon. I watched the blue sky turn into a light swirl of pinks and oranges and wondered if Gavin was somewhere up there, watching down over me.

And if he were, he would have seen the kiss between John and I. The thought made my stomach turn and I could feel the liquids from my stomach travel to my mouth. I jumped out of bed and ran to the hallway, and went straight into the bathroom. I didn't have time to worry about shutting the door, barely making it to the toilet bowl where the contents of my stomach were disposed of. I began dry heaving as acid became the only thing left in my body.

"Alaska, honey are you okay!?" my mother's worried voice questioned, running and kneeling beside me, taking my hair in her hands.

Tears began leaking from my eyes and I shook my head, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand. I fell back into her arms, my body feeling drained, both physically and emotionally. "I'm sorry," I whimpered.

She wrapped her arms tightly around me, using her left hand to tuck strands of my hair behind my ear. "What're you talking about, Alaska? You have nothing to be sorry for, baby," she whispered, pain evident in her voice.

I sniffled and closed my eyes. "I just want this all to go away, mom. I want my boyfriend back and I want the guilt of not being able to help him to go away. I'm so tired of crying ... I'm so, so tired, mom."

She didn't say anything, but continued to sit with me on the bathroom floor, cradling me in her arms like when I was a little girl. I buried my face in her shoulder and imagined that it hid me from the world, much like I used to think it did when I was four.

_______________________________________________________________

I sat nervously in the uncomfortable leather chair the lawyer's office provided for their clients. We had been waiting for our appointment for only ten minutes and I was already becoming fidgety and annoyed.

"Alaska, stop fidgeting!" my mother scolded me in a hushed voice.

I signed and ran my hands over my face. "I don't want to be here, mom," I told her.

She gave me a sympathetic look and laid her hand over mine. "I know that this is hard for you, 'Laska, but you need to do this. Justice needs to be served."

I pursed my lips and glanced at the clock on the wall, the ticking driving me insane. "Can I go outside for a minute, then? I need some fresh air before I go in there."

She nodded her head and I hopped out of the seat and ran for the double doors, letting out a sigh of relief as the heat welcomed me. I reached into the pockets of my jeans and pulled out my pack of cigarettes, grabbing a stick before lighting it. Once the menthol hit the back of my throat, I felt my nerves instantly relaxed. The door beside me opened and Kennedy's face came into view.

"I figured that's why you came out here," he chuckled before taking a seat on the sidewalk near my feet.

I took another puff, nodding my head. "I don't even know why mom is making me do this."

He looked up at me, his eyes squinting due to the sun. "Alaska, what those fucking bastards did to you isn't right. They raped you and they need to be punished for what they did."

I sighed and took a seat beside him, ashing my cigarette. "I don't want to have to face them again, Kenny. I - I'm scared to," I admitted to him.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "You don't need to be scared, 'Laska. You have me, mom, dad, Roxie and the guys all here for you. Nothing bad can come from this; only good," he assured me.

I nodded my head and took another drag of my cigarette before my mother came to the door and sighed when she saw the stick between my fingers and smoke leaving my mouth. "Mr. Batten is ready to see us, so put that out and come in." She disappeared back into the building.

"You're gonna get shit for smoking later. You know that right?" Kenny asked with a smug smile on his face.

I rolled my eyes and pushed his arm from around me. "Shut up."

I threw the cigarette on the ground and we both stood up, walking back into the building. The air conditioner sent a chill down my spine as we walked into the lawyer's room, books covering all but one wall.

Mr. Batten had been a friend of my father's in high school and when my dad called, asking him to handle my case, he was more than delighted to help. He had beady dark brown eyes and short blond hair. He smiled once he saw me, the corners of his eyes wrinkling, and extended his hand to me. "How're you doing, Alaska?" he asked me, his voice deep.

I weakly shook his hand and gave a half smile. "I'm okay, Mr. Batten."

"Well please sit," he said, gesturing towards the chairs in front of his desk. My mother sat on my right and Kenny on my left, leaving me to sit right across from him.

"I just want to say thank you again for taking our case on such a short notice, Ralph," my mother spoke.

"Oh, don't worry about it, Lyla. When David called me and explained the situation, I couldn't believe what I was hearing," he said, glancing between my mother and I.

She nodded her head. "I still can't believe that this happened. I mean, you hear stories of this happening in the news but you never think about it happening to your child." There was an edge in her voice that let me know she was on the verge of tears. I grabbed her hand and she smiled.

"I hear that so many times, and it's true. You always think about these things happening to other people, but never take a moment to think about it happening to you or a loved one." He grabbed a stack of papers before slipping on a pair of glasses to his face. "Now, Alaska, I'm going to be very straight with you, okay?" I nodded my head as I saw him give me a glance. "Rape is a very serious thing and in order for me to present your case and defend you as accurately as possible, I need you to explain what happened the night you were raped. I know that this is going to be a very difficult thing for you to discuss, but I need you to tell me everything that you can remember. If you would feel more comfortable telling me with your mother and brother out of the room, I'm sure they'd understand."

All of them looked at me, I stared down at my hands in my lap. Talking about that night was something I hadn't done until now, and having to tell the details out loud, made me want to cringe. But having to say it in front of my mom and Kenny made me squirm; I didn't want them to hear what had happened to me. I knew it would pain them just as much as it pains me.

"Alaska, if you want your brother and I to step out, we understand, honey," my mother told me.

I sucked in a sharp breath of air and looked at Mr. Batten. "Will they hear the details in court?"

He nodded his head. "Yes."

I licked my lips and sighed. "Then they might as well stay. It makes no sense to have them leave will they'll hear it in court anyway."

"Alright," he said. He reached for his laptop, laying his fingers over the keyboard. "I need you to start from the beginning."

I closed my eyes, trying to trick myself into believing that no one else was in the room, hoping it'd be easier to talk this way. "Gavin came to pick me up from my house around seven. We were just driving around, listening to the radio and joking around ..." I paused as Gavin laughing and singing along to AC/DC flashed in my mind. "He noticed that a car had been following us for some time, and he turned onto a road, hoping that they'd drive off, but they didn't. They kept following us and Gavin told me they belonged to a rival cartel."

"So Gavin was involved with drugs?" Mr. Batten asked, pausing his typing.

"He sold marijuana," I clarified.

"Alright, continue."

I could feel my legs and arms go numb as I thought about what happened next. "Gavin pulled to the side and parked the car. He told me to stay put, that he was just going to talk to the guys to see what they wanted." Tears began collecting in my eyes. "I begged and begged for him to just stay in the car and keep driving, or at least let me get out with him, but he refused. He walked over to them and after a minute, I noticed they began yelling at each other ... One punched Gavin and I got out of the car, trying to get to him so I could help him but another one held me back." My lips began trembling and I felt Kennedy grab my left hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "They kept kicking him and punching him, not even giving him a chance to defend himself. I tried to get out of the arms of the guy who was holding me back, but he was so strong," I began crying, "I remember hearing the first gun shot, and I screamed. The second gun shot rang and after that, the guy let me go." I sniffled. "He was still conscious, but barely. I tried telling him to just hold on, that I would go get help, but before I could do anything, one of the guys grabbed me and began carrying me into the woods." My whole body began shaking as the tears cascaded down my cheeks. The familiar sting and pain between my legs returned as I thought of what had occurred in those woods.

"Would you like some water?" Mr. Batten asked while handing me a few tissues.

I shook my head, dabbing my eyes with the Kleenex. Kenny's grip around my hand tightened and my mother began rubbing circles on my back. "Th - they took me into the woods and I begged - I begged so much for them to leave me alone, saying I wouldn't tell anyone it was them if they just let me go back to Gavin, but they refused. They laid me on the ground and pulled down my shorts and ripped off my top ... The first one began raping me then and covered my mouth with his hand, so no one would hear me screaming."

"Is he the only one that raped you, Alaska?" the lawyer asked me with pain in his eyes.

I shook my head, gasping for breath. "All - all four of them raped me. B - but I blacked out after the second one."

I could feel the anger radiating off of my brother's body and the pain emitting from my mother. I wiped furiously at my eyes as Mr. Batten finished his typing.

"I know that this is a long shot to ask, but do you remember any mentioning of names?"

I looked up at him, clenching my jaw. Those four names were burned into my memory like the brand on a cow. "Tommy, Spencer, Ryan and Donnie," I told him, their names leaving a bitter taste on my tongue.

"This is going to help immensely, Alaska. It's going to take me a few days to get our case ready, but I can almost guarantee you that the police will find these guys and that they will suffer the consequences for what they did to you," Mr. Batten stated.

I nodded my head, sniffling. "Thank you." He gave me a heart warming smile before talking to my mother.

Kenny looked at me and his eyes were filled with anger and hurt. "You wanna head out to the car?"

"Yeah," I whispered before we both stood up. He grabbed the keys from my mom and we exited the office and building.

I took a seat in the back of the car while Kenny slid into the passenger seat. He turned the car on and the AC immediately blasting, creating a relief of some sort. The radio was off and neither of us spoke a word; too lost in our own thoughts.

Soon enough our mom came out of the building and took her seat behind the steering wheel. She stared out of the window for a moment before looking at Kenny and I. "Let's get home," she said.

We both nodded our heads and she reversed out of the parking space. I fiddled with my fingers in my lap as I stared blankly out of the window, unwelcome tears rolling down my cheeks.

Once we arrived home, my mom headed straight for the kitchen while Kennedy and I stood in the foyer of the living room. It was as if we both were unsure of what to do, even though we were in the comfort of our own home.

Kenny's phone began ringing and it took him a moment to notice. "Hello? Right now?" he sighed, running his left hand over his face. "This can't wait, Jared?" My heart stopped beating at the sound of Jared's name. "Alright, whatever. I'll be there in ten." He ended the call and looked at me. "The guys are all at Jared's and have something important to tell me. Do you feel like going?"

I shook my head, a thought suddenly coming to my mind. "I need to go somewhere else. Would you mind giving me a ride?"

"Of course not. Go start the car and I'll tell mom we're leaving," he told me, throwing me his keys.

I walked back outside and to Kenny's car, getting into the passenger seat. The car was overwhelmingly hot, but I wasn't too focused on the heat. A moment later, Kenny got into the driver's seat and began driving. Once we pulled onto the main street, he looked at me.

"Where do you need to go?"

"To Gavin's house," I told him.

He seemed to tense up. "Why?"

"I just need to talk to his mom, Kenny."

"Alright," he said before leaning back into his seat and turning the radio up.

It took us a little over ten minutes to get to the tiny grey house. The grass outside looked dead as weeds were blooming from everywhere. Kenny came to a stop in the driveway and I took in a deep breath before opening my door. "Thanks, Ken. I'll call you later."

"I'll talk to you later, Alaska," he said.

I got out and shut the door, turning towards the house. As I began walking to the front door, I could hear a soft tune coming from inside. I knocked lightly on the door, but no one answered. I looked at the driveway, seeing Gavin's mother's car parked. I knocked once more before placing my hand on the door knob. I turned it and was surprised to find it open.

I cautiously peeked my head in, hearing the music still playing but seeing no one inside. "Sherry?" I called, getting no answer in return. I closed the door behind me and walked further into the house, the music growing louder. I turned the corner, walking into the living room and gasped as I saw Gavin's mother sitting on the couch crying, a tattered blanket draped around her shoulders, a book set on her lap and an ashtray filled to the brim with cigarettes sitting beside her. "Sherry!" I ran and kneeled in front of her.

Her eyes were bloodshot red and had bags beneath them. She looked at me with sorrow in her eyes, pointing to a picture on the page before her. I looked down and saw that it was a picture of Gavin as a toddler, standing in the middle of the kitchen floor wearing nothing but his diaper and a green and red striped shirt. Holding his hands was Sherry, both were youthful and happy looking. "He was two," she choked out. "I use to play this song and over because he loved it so much." It only took me a moment, but I knew the song the moment the chorus began playing: Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd. Gavin used to play it constantly. She sucked in a breath of air and looked at me. "I want my son back, Alaska. I want him back," she cried and I wrapped my arms around her petite frame, trying to console her although I was in tears myself.

"I want him back, too," I whispered.