Shooting Stars and Satellites

"You don't understand, Roxie. He said he was in love with me!" I told my brother's girlfriend for the tenth time since she entered my room.

Kennedy had convinced her to come by, being that I had, once again, confined myself to my room. Honestly, I was sort of glad he did. I missed having a girl to talk to.

"I do understand, Alaska, and that's precisely why you need to talk to him. Jared told me he saw you two kissing the other day, so don't bullshit me. You like him, too," she called me out.

I sighed and looked down at my hands in my lap. "I don't want to like him."

Her doe eyes widened as she stared at me. "Why not?"

I bit down on my bottom lip and glanced at the green army jacket hanging on my closet door. "Can I tell you a story?"

She nodded her head, her facial expression softening. "Of course."

"When Gavin and I first started dating, I asked him why he insisted on wearing that jacket almost everyday. We were in his room, and I remember he looked at me with the biggest smile on his face. He told me that after his dad left, his uncle became the father-figure in his life. He used to take Gavin camping, fishing, out to the movies. He even taught him how to play sports ... All the things that a dad should do.

When Gavin got a little older, his uncle began telling him stories of the time he served in the military. Gavin said he loved hearing his uncle tell him the stories. He said he had never heard someone talk so passionately about a single thing. When Gavin was fifteen, his uncle passed away from a brain aneurysm. His uncle left him that jacket, and he never let another person, besides his mom, touch it. The jacket was important to his uncle and he knew that. Gavin said he wore it because he hoped to be half the man his uncle was." I looked at Roxie, trying not to cry. "Kennedy and everyone else thought Gavin was scum, and only now do they see who he really was. He was an amazing person, Roxie and I loved him so, so much."

"I know you did, babydoll. We all do," she cooed before wrapping her arms around me.

I laid my head on her shoulder. "I'm afraid to feel that way again about someone else, Roxie. I don't want Gavin or his mom to think I never cared about him."

"Oh, love," she sighed. "No one will ever think that, Alaska. Gavin wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life miserable, and either would his mom. It's okay to fall in love and be with someone else. You can't replace Gavin, and John isn't trying to take his spot, but you have to move on. I understand if you're not there yet, but one day you will have to move on, Alaska."

Her words were ones of truth, but I still wasn't quite sure of how to wrap my mind around the concept. I knew that one day I would have to move on, but I was afraid of doing it so quickly. It's only been a month since he died, and I was already gaining feelings for another boy. The thought left a wretched feeling in my stomach.

"I do like John. I won't lie about that. But, I'm not ready to be in a relationship with him. Not yet. He's trying to push his affection on me, and it's what causes us to fight. I need him to understand how I feel ..." I spilled.

Roxie pulled away and looked at me. "Tell him, 'Laska. He needs to hear those words from your mouth. I can guarantee that John will understand. You know him as well as I do."

I sighed. "How do I even go about doing that, though? I can't just walk up to him and start blabbing away."

She laughed. "Well, the guys have practice tonight. Maybe you can talk to him afterward?"

I nodded my head. "I guess."

"So ... How's the whole lawyer thing going?" she asked, almost looking afraid to do so.

I shrugged. "Right now they're still trying to find the guys."

"How long do you think it'll take them?"

"I have no clue. I don't even care that they raped me. I really don't. I want those fucking bastards caught because of what they did to Gavin."

She bit down on her bottom lip and nodded her head. "You have every right to feel that way. Look, Kenny and I are suppose to go out to lunch soon, so I should I probably head home and change. Do you want to come?"

I shook my head, waving my hands. "No, no, I'm not going to intrude on y'alls date."

She laughed. "If you say so. I'll see you later then?"

"You bet."

She gave me a small hug before walking out of my room. I laid back down on my bed and closed my eyes, trying to think of a way I could explain exactly how I felt to John. Explaining it to Roxie was easy; she was my friend and not the person whose feelings were being hurt. I let out a groan and wished that things weren't so complicated.

_________________________________________________________

I slid on a pair of cuffed jean shorts, and glanced at myself in the mirror. Although I was still weary of wearing things that revealed my body, I knew that I would one day have to conquer this fear. I slid my phone into my pocket, and ran my hand through my hair, which I had let sit in its natural waves. I was in no mood to get dressed up for my brother's band practice, especially with thinking about what I would have to do after that practice.

I ran down the stairs and both of my parents glanced at me, almost shocked to see me up and about. But it wasn't like I could blame them. I had been damn near a hermit crab all week.

"I'm going to watch Kenny and the guys practice at Tim's. I have my cell," I told them.

My mom nodded her head and gave me an encouraging smile. "Have fun, 'Laska."

"And be careful," my dad added.

I nodded my head. "I will." I walked outside and, being that I had never been a huge fan of driving, leaving me without a car, began walking.

Although it was nearing seven-thirty at night, the heat was unwavering, even without the sun. I whistled along to a nonexistent tune as I walked, taking my mind off of the warmth.

It took me a total of twenty minutes to reach Tim's house. My legs were tired and aching, and I laughed at how out of shape I was.

"What're you laughing at, Baby Brock?" Tim asked, coming from the back of the house and startling me.

"At the fact that you still have Christmas lights up," I teased.

He glanced at the roof of his house, smiling. "It saves me from having to do it again this Christmas."

"Good thinking," I laughed.

"The guys are all in the basement if you want to go ahead and head down," he told me.

I nodded my head. "I will. Thanks." I walked inside of the house and went straight for the basement door. Going down the steps, I could hear the guys joking around.

"Knock, knock," I heard Pat say.

"Who's there?" Garrett answered in a bored tone.

"The interrupting cow."

"The inte-"

"Mooooooo!" Pat yelled.

Jared laughed. "You have the stupidest jokes, Pat."

Kenny chuckled and nodded his head. "Agreed."

I rounded the stairs and Garrett was the first to notice me. "Nice!" he grinned, staring at my shirt. I looked down and realized I was wearing a Slayer tee shirt.

I smiled. "You would notice that before anything else."

He laughed and Pat ran and gave me a hug. "Alaska, knock, kno-"

"I'm not going there with you, Patty," I laughed.

He pouted. "Meanie."

"I'll live," I sighed as I took a seat on the worn russet couch next to Roxie. "How was lunch?"

She looked at me and gave a flustered smile. "It was great."

"Ew," I said. She laughed and pushed me playfully.

I noticed John tuning his guitar off in the corner, and I had to wonder if he had been like that since before I came, or if he had suddenly gone off because I was now here.

"What songs are you guys singing today, Kenny?" Roxie asked.

"A few new ones John wrote."

Seeming satisfied with his guitar, John stepped to his mic and the rest of the guys took their place next to their instruments. He stared directly at me as he began strumming his guitar.

"I walk the tight rope, on my way home, you're my backbone. I know you're somewhere close behind me. I walk the fault line, in a dirt field, in the springtime. I feel the wind start to remind me of you, and the sweet talk on the sidewalk. Yeah, it's true. All I know is ... All we have is what's left today. Hearts so pure in this broken place. 'Cause we are, we are, we are, who we are, we are, we are. Lovers lost in space, we're searching for our saving grace ..." he sang, not trying to make his staring discrete.

I listened as he sang every word and with it, I could feel anger boiling in my blood. Here he was, once again, trying to push his feelings on me. I clenched my jaw and stared straight back at him, with the same intensity he was giving me. I felt Roxie's hand cover my own, but I didn't break my gaze from John. Fuck waiting for after practice. I needed to talk to him now.

As soon as the song finished, I stood up and walked straight over to him. "We need to talk," I said behind clenched teeth.

"I'm kind of in the middle of something, if you haven't noticed," he replied just as harsh.

"I'm not playing, John."

He rolled his eyes but took the guitar from around him and set it on its stand. "I'll be back in five."

"Alaska," Kennedy called behind me.

"I just need to talk to him, Kenny," I told him.

He sighed but nodded his head. I turned and lead the way up the stairs and outside, John following slowly behind me. Once we were outside, and the door was shut, he turned to face me.

"What do you want to talk about?"

"You and your fucking bluntness with how you feel," I stated.

He looked taken aback. "I only told you the truth the other day, Alaska."

"I understand that, John, but it's not going to make me just jump into a relationship with you." I sighed and looked into his eyes. "I like you. You know I do. But I'm not over Gavin yet, John, and I'm not ready to get into another relationship. I understand how you feel, and I know it may seem unfair to you, but I have to do what's best for the both of us. I don't want to end up hurting you."

He stepped closer to me and cupped my face in his hands, making my heart accelerate. He opened his mouth to speak, but immediately closed it and pressed his forehead against mines. "I feel like such an idiot," he finally said.

I smiled. "You kind of are, O'Callaghan."

He laughed. "At least we both know." He stared into my eyes, and I could tell that there were a million thoughts running through his mind. "I understand that you need time. I can wait, but please don't make me wait forever, Alaska. It'll kill me."

I shook my head and closed my eyes. "I just need a little while to sort out my feelings and to come to terms with everything that's happened."

He pressed his lips against my forehead. "I'll be waiting, Dove."