You're Flying

I smiled as I walked towards the specific office that belonged to my therapist. I’ve only been here for a week, today being Sunday, but I’ve already started to change. The overly perky people still drive me off the deep end at times, but I’ve learned to deal with everything else. I repeatedly remind myself that I’m doing this for my Angel. I’d do anything for Angel, even if it means giving up my other love in life.

Part of the reason that this experience has been easy for me to go through is because of Mr. Holland, my therapist. Mr. Holland is in his forties and is an all-around nice guy. Part of the reason that I love him so much is because he can relate to me. When he was younger he used to be an alcoholic, and though he isn’t gay, he gave it all up to save his relationship with a girl named Sally. Sally is now his wife and the mother of his child. Every time I think of Mr. Holland I think of his story and I can’t help but wish that Angel and I will end up having our happy ending.

I knocked on the door of his office to signal that I was coming in before I opened the door. I saw Mr. Holland waiting for me, drinking some coffee. He motioned for me to sit in my favorite chair, a bean bag chair,don’t judge me, and I did as I was told.

“So,” he said as he clapped his hands together. “Today marks your first full week in rehab, Dom. What are your thoughts?” He asked me kindly, twirling his pen around in his fingers.

“Well,” I said slowly, thinking about how to word my answer. “When I first came here I hated everything. I would complain about anything I could think of whether it would be the overly perky people or the fact that everything was white, but the longer I’ve been here I’ve realized I have a real problem and it’s really taking a toll on not only my love life but my friendships. I realized that Angel doesn’t hate me, but hates what alcohol does to me, and I completely understand why Quince would worry for my safety. I’m really disappointed that I let myself sink so low, but I still get my urges to drink and at times I find myself going insane at night, craving even a droplet of any form of alcohol.”

He smiled a toothy grin at me. “You’ve made so much progress,” he told me. “There’s still a lot of progress to be made, but you’re really showing a willingness to change.” He leaned forward in his chair, staring at me intently. “If you think that your cravings are bad now you have to prepare for hell. You’ve only gone seven days without alcohol, and from what you’ve told me you started to put six days between each drink for Angel. However, any form of addiction takes time to overcome. As you spend more days without the alcohol you’re going to start to get scared. You’re going to experience withdrawals that are insanely scary and traumatizing to others, which is a good thing that you came here. I respect that you attempted to try to get clean by yourself, especially because you have someone you love so dearly, but it’s really not easy. It would have been impossibly hard on both of you for him to have to see you going through your withdrawals, especially since it will be the lowest of your lows.”

I nodded my head in understanding, knowing that my addiction wasn’t anywhere near being conquered, but it was a battle I was finally willing to participate in. “I know they’ll be hard but they’ll all be worth it in the end,” I said softly, repeating what he’s told me numerous times, reminding myself that this was all for Angel. As cliché as it sounds, I probably wouldn’t be able to do any of this willingly if I wasn’t motivated to get him back and keep him as my own forever.

“Good!” He said with a smile. “It’s rare that I see a patient here progress as fast as you are, Dom. Normally the first few weeks are full of fights, trying to get through to the patient.”

“Believe me,” I said around a chuckle, “I was planning on doing that to you.” It’s true. I wanted to make everyone’s life a living hell, but obviously that plan didn’t work out. It’s hard to willingly hurt someone as nice and so full of goodness like Mr. Holland, though.

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t,” he smiled back at me. I know that he genuinely likes me. “I think that you’ve always wanted to subconsciously change,” he said thoughtfully. “Your problem was that you needed a real form of motivation to change, and you were presented with the perfect opportunity when the supposed love of your life gave you an ultimatum, alcohol or him.”

“Yeah,” I said sadly, hating that I sunk so low to almost lose Angel and put him in the position that I had unintentionally put him in. “I just wish it didn’t have to come down to what it did.”

“You got to do what you got to do,” he told me quietly, clapping his hands as his mood suddenly brightened. “Anyway, I have a surprise for you!” He said excitedly. I hated when he knew something that I didn’t know.

“What is it?” I asked back, trying to mask my excitement.

“Well today’s visiting day and I called your friend.” He said.

I thanked him quickly with my eyes as I bolted out of the room, throwing open any doors in my way. I dodged people and ignored the screams to slow down as I ran towards the lobby, stopping in the doorway to catch my breath as my eyes bolted around quickly.

I spotted that familiar hair of raven hair and I ran towards it, throwing myself onto Quince. He laughed as he barely caught his balance but hugged me back.

“I missed you,” I said softly.

“I missed you too, man.” He said around a chuckle, patting my back.

I looked around hopefully, trying to find that head of blond locks that I held so dearly to my heart, but my heart quickly sunk when I couldn’t see it in view. “Did Angel come with you?” I asked softly, my heart breaking a tiny bit. The person that I’m doing all this for isn’t here, but his brother is, my best friend. I quickly banished the horrible thoughts from my mind, not wanting them to ruin my happiness with Quince.

“No, he couldn’t,” he said evasively. I could tell that he was holding something back, but I didn’t want to push it. I couldn’t deal with something spoiling the good mood I was in, especially after it took so long for me to get here.

“How’s everything doing?” He asked quietly.

“It’s good. I haven’t touched anything since I’ve been here.” I said proudly, pulling him to the courtyard. We were only allowed a few hours outside and I tended to take advantage of them, loving how the fresh air never ceased to calm my racing mind.

“That’s amazing!” He said happily, following me. “What about, like, the withdrawals?”

I frowned at his question. “I’ve only begun to experience them. I stay up late at night curled up in a ball, staring at the wall, my mouth watering when I would even think of any form of alcohol.” I told him, hating that it’s going to get worse as time continues. It won’t last forever, though, and I can’t telling you how much I am banking on that.

“I know how that feels,” he said around a chuckle.

I turned towards him. “How’d you manage to do it all yourself?” I asked softly.

“I don’t know,” he said thoughtfully. “I realized that it was really hurting me and everyone around me and I couldn’t take it anymore.”

“I can’t tell you how much respect I have for you right now,” I said around a laugh. He chuckled, shaking his head.

I threw my arm around his neck, pulling his head into my chest, pushing my fist into his hair, giving him a noogie. “My best friend is fucking amazing!” I screamed as I laughed maniacally, loving how everything was just like old times, before I fucked up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’ve got to go,” Quince told me sadly, wrapping me in a hug. I hugged him back, embracing him tightly, not wanting to let him go. I wanted him to stay with me and never leave me. He helped me focus my mind on anything and everything but my addiction.

“I don’t want you to,” I mumbled helplessly into his shoulder, knowing that he wouldn’t be allowed to stay anyway. Without him I would have nothing to do but wallow in my misery, letting the withdrawals overtake me. I can’t deal with being alone, letting my withdrawals and fears consume me. It’s not something I want to give myself up to and I wish I can put it off as long as possible.

“I’ll come back as soon as I can,” he promised me. “You are my best friend and I would never leave you,” he said tiredly, squeezing my shoulders in reassurance.

He nodded at me before walking away, not saying good-bye because he would eventually be coming back. Saying good-bye means forever, and this definitely wasn’t forever.

“Hey,” I called out softly as he was about to walk out of the front door of the rehabilitation center.

He turned to me. “Yeah, Dom?” He asked me, not sure what I was going to tell him.

“Tell Angel I say hello and that I miss him?” I asked softly, fighting to hold back the tears in my eyes. Everything I am doing is for Angel, I reminded myself for what felt like the billionth time.

He nodded his head as he walked out of the front door.

“I’ll do more then tell him,” he murmured softly to himself.

I shook my head, deciding to ignore it, not knowing what to make of his final statement. I watched his retreating figure leaving, hoping that he’d get through to Angel and make everything better.

I’m doing everything for him, because of him, and I’d be damned if I let him down.