You're Flying

I stared at my wall, glaring daggers at it as I felt the energy slowly drain from my body, but I can’t go to sleep. I refuse to let my eyes close. If I let my eyes close I’d be willingly subjecting myself to torture.

Withdrawals fucking suck. That’s all I have to say. I’ve gone two weeks without a drink and I’m craving one so badly it’s insane. I’ve been experience night terrors, something that I hate so much. I often find myself up late at night shaking from a dream I had woken up from or not being able to go to sleep because of my fear of said dreams. I feel bad that I end up calling Mr. Holland, but he seems to be the only thing that can calm me after I have a terror. Telling someone what happened and having them reassure me that its completely illogical and would never happen relaxes me and I can fall asleep after that.

I’ve also been misfortunate enough to start hallucinating. I would be minding my own business when out of nowhere I would see Quince or Angel and I’d launch myself at them excitedly, thinking that they were really there. Only when I hit the ground hard and the image of my long lost friends disappeared did I realize that they never were there to begin with and it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Every time I see one of them, hallucination or not, it’s like my heart breaks a bit more inside, yearning to have them be main figures in my life again.

If it can get any worse, which it can, I’ve been having severe mood swings. I’d be perfectly happy then out of nowhere I would flip out over the tiniest of things or just for the hell of flipping out, not having any reason at all. Yesterday the lunch lady gave me meat sauce instead of regular tomato sauce and I launched into a ten minute speech on how if she ever gives me meat sauce again I’ll skewer her. Of course, she didn’t blink an eye, probably used to having to deal with us crazies and our weird habits. Once I realized what happened I went right back to her and apologized, the guilt easily consuming me. It’s fucking insane and energy draining.

I am currently lying in my bed, facing the white cement wall that my tiny bed is pushed up against. Today is Sunday, meaning it’s my second visiting day, but nobody came to visit me. I spent two hours sitting in my lobby, staring at the door expectantly. I was ready to jump up and charge the second I saw that familiar head of raven locks or that beautiful head of blond hair that I loved, but I saw neither, and after two hours of waiting there I lost hope. It was pointless to sit there and wait for people who aren’t going to visit me. Maybe I really am not important to them. Maybe they don’t care about me anymore. Maybe Angel doesn’t care that I chose him over the alcohol. Maybe I’m not good enough to deserve to be in either of their lives. Maybe I really am a failure at life…

I sighed, not believing that Angel would give up on me so easily. I’m here for him, doing everything for him, but he doesn’t care. I told Quince to tell him I missed him, but maybe the message didn’t go through. I was hoping that is the case, not wanting to believe that Angel would give up on me so quickly.

I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I didn’t hear the door to my room creak open or close. I didn’t hear the quiet footsteps that made their way over to where I lay on my bed either. That’s why when I felt the slightest of pressure on my shoulder I jumped and screamed like a bat out of Hell.

I turned my glare towards the person who would be stupid enough to disturb me in my room when I obviously didn’t want to be disturbed. Angel. I stared at the hallucination standing on the side of my bed, wanting so badly to reach out and pull him into my arms, kissing him all over, but I knew I couldn’t. The sooner I would reach out the sooner the hallucination would leave, and at the moment I didn’t want to wallow in my misery alone. I wanted my Angel to stay with me so that I wasn’t fully alone, even if he was only being produced from the darkest depths of my insanely fucked up mind.

I don’t know how long I stared at my Angel, smiling at how life-like this one was. When I stared into its eyes I would get those attracted shivers running around my spine, just like the ones the real Angel gave me. His eyes were so life-like too, twinkling as if they were real. This was my best hallucination yet.

I sighed when I realized I was just torturing myself. I might as well let Angel leave now because the longer I kept him around the longer it would be to say good-bye to him. I reached out as if to run my hand through his body, allowing him to disappear, but what happened startled me. Instead of my hand running through air it landed against warm skin, the skin of my Angel. I stared at Angel for a second, shock quickly overtaking me before I realized what was really going on.

Angel came to visit me. Granted, he was late, but he came and found me and is standing in my room right next to me. I probably looked like a pig, but I didn’t care at the moment. All I cared about was that my Angel really did love me, he didn’t forget about me because he came to visit me! I screamed his name as I launched myself towards him, wrapping him in my arms as we hit the white carpeted floor with a soft ‘thud.’

“Dom,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around me. I shivered wherever any part of Angel would touch any part of me, missing his touch.

“I missed you so much,” I murmured as I tightened my grip, a few tears escaping my eyes.

“I missed you too, Dom,” he murmured, running his hands through my hair.

I leaned up and pressed tiny kisses anywhere I could, be it a clothed area of his body or not. I was kissing his chest, his arms, his neck, and his fingers, anything that was Angel.

“I can’t believe you picked me,” he spoke softly, tightening his grip on me.

“I’d be an idiot not to,” I murmured, finally sitting up.

He smiled up at me, leaning up to sit across from me before climbing onto my bed, patting the spot next to him as if to ask me to join him. Once I sat down he looked at me and rolled his eyes. “No offense, Dom, but you look like shit,” he whispered around a chuckle.

“I haven’t gotten much sleep these days. The withdrawal symptoms are setting in and they’re driving me insane and keeping me awake at night,” I explained. I felt like shit, even with Angel here, so I probably looked as shitty as I felt.

“It’ll all be over soon,” he assured me, twiddling my fingers with his. I smiled as I looked at our entwined fingers, missing his touch.

“I know, but it seems like soon can’t come fast enough.” I murmured, knowing how my words rang true. Ever since the withdrawals really set in it is as if the days are moving by even slower than they did originally.

“Well when it comes you will be getting out of here and moving in with me.” He said happily.

“Moving in with you?” I questioned. I thought he was staying with his friend.

“Yeah, moving in with me,” he said around a big smile. “I felt bad for intruding on my friend so I bought my own place. It’s big enough to fit two people. We’d have to, uh, share a bedroom though,” he said as a blush started to creep into his cheeks.

“I wouldn’t mind that,” I said, a husky tone taking over my voice as I realized how long it’s been since I’ve actually kissed my Angel, touched my Angel, pleasured my Angel. It’s been way, way too long.

“How did I know you wouldn’t mind?” He asked playfully, poking me softly in the side.

I rolled my eyes but rested my head on his shoulder, wanting to get as much skin to skin contact between the two of us as possible.

“Dom,” Angel spoke softly. I shivered when I heard my name on his tongue but grunted to tell him that I was listening, not trusting my voice at the moment. “I can’t wait for you to get out of here, but you really can’t go back to your old ways. I don’t know what I’d do,” he murmured softly.

I looked him straight in the eyes, preparing myself to give him a speech full of things I’ve wanted to tell him since I first stepped into this place. “I will never go back to my old ways,” I spoke softly, gazing into his eyes. “I truly understand how much it not only hurt me, but everyone around me and I can’t tell you how sorry I am for putting you through everything I put you through. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that you gave me a second chance. I can never forgive myself for almost striking you,” I told him softly, moving the hair away from his eyes.

“I-“ He tried to cut in but I cut him off, not finished with my speech yet.

“I love you so much and you really mean the world to me,” I barreled on. “I know that the Hell I’m experiencing right now will be worth it in the end. When I’m out of here we’ll be able to start a real life, me and you and no third love mixed in. It will just be me and you together forever. And I’ll remind you how important you are to me every day of every week of every month of every year. I’ll make love to you and treat it as our first time, considering our real first time you don’t remember and all the times after that was anger. You are so special and you deserve to have someone make love to you.” I murmured, clutching onto his hands desperately, not thinking I had enough time to tell him everything I wanted to tell him. “And I-“

“Dom!” He cut me off, smiling as tears poured down his cheeks.

“What?” I asked quietly, scared I said something wrong. Oh God, did I find yet another way to fuck us up?

“Do you really mean all that?” He asked softly.

“Of course I do! And there’s so much more that I want to say!” I assured him, picking up his body and placing it in my lap.

“I forgive you,” he said around a happy laugh, cuddling into me.

“Really?” I asked, not believing my ears.

“How could I not forgive someone who loves me so much?” He asked, not really looking for an answer, just saying that to prove a point. I smiled down at him and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. “I love you,” he told me softly, wrapping his arms around my neck.

“I love you too,” I told him, a smile becoming permanently etched into my features. I leaned down and connected our lips, something I’ve wanted to do for so long. Fireworks erupted in my stomach the second our lips touched. I’ve been craving his touch for so long and now that I finally had it I never wanted to let it go again, but I knew that when the day was over I’d have to let him leave me again.

I leaned down so that we were both lying on our sides under the blanket, wrapped in each other’s arms as our lips moved in perfect synchronization, getting reacquainted with each other after not being kissed for so long. When we finally pulled away for air Angel cuddled into me, resting his head in the crook of my neck.

We lay like this until it was time for him to go, staring into each other’s eyes and cooing sweet nothings into each other’s ears. We were simply enjoying each other’s company, waiting for my release so that we could start our new lives together. We would occasionally lean forward and press a loving kiss to the other’s lips, reminding each other that we were each other’s world. Moments like this couldn’t help but make my heart swell.

I almost cried when Mr. Holland came and told me that is was Angel’s time to leave. He wrapped his arms around me and told me he would visit me during the next opportunity that came up as he pressed a final kiss to my lips. I laughed when Mr. Holland led Angel out of the room, throwing an approving nod and thumbs up over his shoulder. It’s good to know that my therapist approves of my boyfriend.

I cuddled into my blankets, ready to go to sleep after having such a wonderful day, and for the first time in a long time I was able to sleep an entire night without night terrors.

Angel really does make a huge difference in my life.