You're Flying

He's fucking dating someone already! I didn't even know he had any feelings for his room mate. This fucking sucks! They're roommates for God sakes. Do you know what that means? They could easily get it on any second. Donnie could so easily take advantage of my Angel.

I'm really regretting not telling him that we had had sex that night. The thought that he may not have been happy with me afterwards keeps my sane. At least I can lead myself to believe that not telling him was what's best, because if I did tell him I could lose him. I rather not tell him and keep this secret from him then tell him and lose him. I would never want to lose him.

I laid down on my bed, pissed. Why was I stupid enough to even have sex with him to begin with? If I was smart enough to not convince myself that he'd love me like I love him that morning, I wouldn't be stuck in this mess.

He's completely oblivious to it all, too! He knows he had a one-night stand, but he doesn't know that it was with me. I mean I left enough hints without having to come out with it verbally. He woke up, naked, in my room. You would think that he would be smart enough to put two and two together. I guess he was so stuck in the moment that he didn't even stop to question that it was with me. Maybe he thinks of me as nothing more then his brothers best friend, another person to clean up after, and that's why he didn't even bother with the notion.

All of this thinking is making my head hurt.

I've got to get the fact that he doesn't want me through my head. It's so hard though. I've wanted him so badly for so long, then I finally got him, just to not have him remember anything. I might as well have never gotten him! This whole situation is fucked up to the tenth degree.

Why is it that I always get stuck with the shitty end of the situation too? He's happy, completely oblivious to me wallowing in my own self-inflicted misery. Is this God's way of punishing me? I never went to church. I never gave a fuck about religion. I've spent practically my entire life committing sin after sin after sin. Payback fucking sucks!

Just then I heard a soft knock on my door. The door creaked open and Angel peeked his head in through the crack. My heart swelled, but I quickly suppressed the feelings. If I can't have him I have to get over him.

He smiled at me and walked into the room a little further. "Are you okay?" He asked softly, concernedly.

"No." I answered dead-pan. I don't want to associate myself with him anymore. Every minute spent around him is like a knife to the heart. I rather not torture myself on purpose. Maybe if I spend enough time away from him, and push him away enough, I'll get over him and move on.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. He is always concerned about everyone but himself. The fact that he puts others before himself is such an admirable quality. "No." I answered again, dryly.

"Alright," he said a bit uneasy before walking out of my room.

I groaned and threw my head back in annoyance. It's better now then never to go to sleep. It's the only way to get my mind off of things with Angel.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I woke up in an extremely pissy mood.

How can I get away from Angel if he haunts me in my dreams too? I can't! He's slowly fucking ruining my life without even realizing it! Damn him and his natural beauty! Damn him, damn him, damn him!

I growled as I threw on some clothes and walked out of my bedroom to the kitchen, not caring about what time it was.

I saw Angel cleaning up the amazingly messy living room. The level of damage Quince can do by himself when intoxicated is truly amazing.

"Hey," he greeted cheerily, as if he forgot about me giving him a cold shoulder last night. "How are you today?" He asked.

"Fine," I grunted as I slammed back some orange juice and slipped my shoes on.

"You okay?" He asked yet again, genuinely concerned.

"No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I turned towards him, anger clearly evident in my eyes. He flinched from the scary expression that was probably etched on my features. "I don't want anything to do with you!" I spat. I just wanted him out of my life for good. I'd do anything to piss him off enough to go away. I'm not going to allow myself to go through this torture anymore. It's to the point where it's unbearable.

A hurt expression quickly found its way onto his gorgeous face. He put his hand up to his mouth out of hurt and surprise.I can't believe I just fucking hurt him. I have to or I'm never going to be able to live normally again.

I walked towards the front door and ripped it open before slamming it shut quickly.

I just closed the door on the nice me.

I just closed the door on treating Angel nicely.

I just closed the door on letting myself wallow in misery.

I just closed the door to the old me, and opened the door to the new me. I wasn't going to let Angel rule over my thoughts like he used to. Granted, he didn't know he did, but it's not going to happen anymore.

I stomped down the hallway. Only one thought was racing through my mind, as fast as a bullet train.

I need a fucking drink. NOW!