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Through All These Cities...

I Cannot Just Give In

“You’re not some kind of therapist cross chat show host who’s paying me to air all my dirty laundry, you know.” I growl, going to stand again, only have to Alex grab at my hand, which I snatch away again, “You can’t just demand me to tell you about my ex.”

“I think I can when it’s obviously going to affect us in some way. I’d rather all the fucked up shit came out now, rather than later.” He yanks me back down, and I realise that I may as well comply and sit.

“Thanks for calling my life ‘fucked up shit’, Lex, as if I didn’t know that already.” I curly my legs up to my chest and let my chin rest on my knees, trying to make myself as small as possible, “I didn’t even realise there was an ‘us’.”

“What has happened to you?! Why won’t you just talk to me? You did with the alcohol thing.”

“That was a minor problem compared to this. Ignore the pun.” I groan quietly as I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands, “It was a hideous part of my life, Alex.”

“Talk to me about it then, Amy.”

“This is worse than my fucking drinking problem! For fuck sake, get it into your head that no amount of talking is going to fix the past!”

I can’t help but pull myself up, frustrated not only at the situation Alex has forced me into, but at myself for my inability to talk about anything that’s hurt me in the past - because I’m scared it’ll happen again - without getting angry.

Alex’s is quick to his feet, following me as I practically sprint to the buses, “Please, Ames.”

“I can’t re-live it all, Lexi,” I turn to find him mere centimetres from me, “I just can’t, not again.”

“Again?”

“Do you not listen? Dane was put away for half a year because of what he did to me. That happened because I had sit in a court for four days and explain, in as much detail as possible, what happened.” I sigh, looking down, totally ashamed, “I promised myself that I’d never talk about it again. This is talking about it, and it’s killing me.”

He sighs after I can’t stop a tear falling from my eye, and his hand comes up to cup my chin, thumb swiping the damp from my cheek “Oh, love, I didn’t want to make you cry.”

I step forward without much resistance when he opens his arms, even though I don’t want to hug him, yet with the grip he has on the cuff of my cardigan, it’s impossible to pull back anyway, “Alex, no.”

“Don’t, Amy. I won’t bother you again, OK? Just let me stop you from crying and make sure you’re safe on the bus and I’ll leave. You can choose when you want to talk to me again, if you ever want to.”

I shake my head against his shoulder when I finally let myself lean against him, “Don’t be stupid, Lex. I’m not going to ignore you for this. Just let me deal with it. I’ll be over all this by morning, trust me.”

I feel his nod, but he stays silent as he rocks us side to side slightly, humming some familiar tune into the almost silent night air, squeezing my sides gently when I go to pull away, “I’ll text you when we finish set. If you’re still awake, you should come down and sit with the rest of us.”

I sigh, “I think some time to myself, and away from Brooke might benefit me more.” I can’t help but smile in reply to the smirk that appears on his lips, “I’ll come and see you before you head to your bunk for the night though, OK?”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

With the tiniest kisses to my lips and a reassuring smile over his shoulder as he goes, Alex disappears back into the venue, leaving me to consider my options alone.
Do I do the sensible, reasonable thing and go back to the bus and attempt to ignore my ever maddening mood, or do I follow my feet, which are just itching to walk around whatever city we’re in and find somewhere where I can actually sort my problems where I know I won’t be bothered?

I know everybody’s going to want to kill me when I arrive back at the buses just after 1am, especially because the curfew to clear the venue was 11pm and we were hoping to arrive in the next city early to get chance of a rest.
I spot the tell tale signs of someone smoking, but what I don’t expect to find is Alex to be the one sat on the floor outside his bus, cigarette hanging between his lips as he texts furiously.

“I’m sorry.”

No other words would form and when Alex looks up quickly, almost dropping the burning stick into his lap, I know I’m already forgiven.
This is confirmed when he rushes up, abandoning his precious iPhone on the floor, where he’d been resting, arms pulling me tight to his chest as he mumbles curse words over and over.
I guess someone must look out of the bus window, because suddenly everyone else is surrounding us, all talking at once about me not walking off like that, and calling, and just generally treating me like I’m a child.

“You can’t just disappear like that, Ames.” Alex mumbles into my collarbone now that everyone else has dispersed back to their relevant buses and bunks, especially after Alex had basically threatened to stab them all if they didn’t leave me alone, “That’s never happened before. I fucking panicked. I thought when I left you; you’d go back to your bunk, not wander around the city for four fucking hours. Shit!”

I don’t bother with a reply; nothing I say will make this better. Instead I just let myself relax into his as I sit with my legs over his lap, his arms tightly around my waist.

“You two should head for the bunks.” Our driver Tim smiles, “We’re setting off now and there won’t be a rest stop for a while. You may as well catch up on some sleep.”

I nod, thanking him as he walks back down to the front of the bus, “I’ll see you in the morning then.” I smile as Alex helps me up after him.

“I’m sleeping here.” He states bluntly, heading up to my bunk without even a backwards glance.

I follow a few minutes later, taking time to change into some variation of pyjamas, knowing all to well that jeans suck to sleep in.
Alex is already in my bunk by now and under the cover, minus his shirt.

“You don’t mind this right?” He whispers quietly as I clamber in to the bunk, tucking myself in front of him as he pulls me closer and settles an arm over my waist.

“Not at all, actually.”
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I disappeared again :( I'm really sorry guys!

One job turned into two and then I have about no time for myself or writing :')
Christmas break has given me chance to catch up though, so yay for that :D

Hope you're all still reading this (cos I am still writing it, just slowly) <3
I know this isn't the best, far from it, but for now, it's the best I can do :) xx