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Forever They Will Be Secrets To Me
Secret #55
I can't tell anyone about this. I have the feeling welling in my chest so often it is starting to make me shake with fear. I hate coming home to this, but where else do I have to go? They say to tell someone, but in the end, they don't take this kind of abuse seriously. I have no home after this. A year and a half of this torture could drive me to kill him, or you, or ultimately myself.
I can't take this anymore. He says that he will leave because I'm driving the two of you apart. Have you ever looked into what verbal abuse is? Do you really care about me as much as you say you do? I'm starting to doubt you even love me at all anymore. Sex and men is all you seem to care about now. I can't stand it.
People have told me to tell Grandma, but what is a 64 year old women going to do? She can raise hell, but he'll just cut her out of the family as he has my sister, your sister, and my nephews. Don't you see something is wrong here? This is NOT right!! Those are the people who stood by you when Dad died, but he's an asshole now, so I guess you're burying family with him.
I can't believe you sometimes. You ask me if I like him, and if I were to tell you the truth it wouldn't change a damn thing. If I said I hated the way he treated me, you would tell me to stay quiet. You would tell me to just take the verbal abuse and not think anything of it.
Do you know how much that kills me? My self esteem is gone, and with him still here I am never going to get it back. You act as if I am the strongest person in the world, how you put all of the weight and blame on my shoulders. I wish you could see just how much I wish I were dead. I wish you could see how much I cry at night.
Sometimes, I shake to the point where I can't breathe. Other times, I lay there in a little ball, screaming silent words. On rare occasions, I fall asleep to the sound of my own sniffles and ramblings about how it will get better. Yes, mom, I lie to myself.
I lie about it getting better because I know it won't. I wish I was dead and one day when I am, you'll never see it coming. You'll find this and wish you would have been better, or maybe you will sigh in relief knowing that you'll never have to put up with my 'disrespect' or my 'bitch attitude'.
This is what I wanted to say when I told you I hated myself. I guess you'll never know.
I can't take this anymore. He says that he will leave because I'm driving the two of you apart. Have you ever looked into what verbal abuse is? Do you really care about me as much as you say you do? I'm starting to doubt you even love me at all anymore. Sex and men is all you seem to care about now. I can't stand it.
People have told me to tell Grandma, but what is a 64 year old women going to do? She can raise hell, but he'll just cut her out of the family as he has my sister, your sister, and my nephews. Don't you see something is wrong here? This is NOT right!! Those are the people who stood by you when Dad died, but he's an asshole now, so I guess you're burying family with him.
I can't believe you sometimes. You ask me if I like him, and if I were to tell you the truth it wouldn't change a damn thing. If I said I hated the way he treated me, you would tell me to stay quiet. You would tell me to just take the verbal abuse and not think anything of it.
Do you know how much that kills me? My self esteem is gone, and with him still here I am never going to get it back. You act as if I am the strongest person in the world, how you put all of the weight and blame on my shoulders. I wish you could see just how much I wish I were dead. I wish you could see how much I cry at night.
Sometimes, I shake to the point where I can't breathe. Other times, I lay there in a little ball, screaming silent words. On rare occasions, I fall asleep to the sound of my own sniffles and ramblings about how it will get better. Yes, mom, I lie to myself.
I lie about it getting better because I know it won't. I wish I was dead and one day when I am, you'll never see it coming. You'll find this and wish you would have been better, or maybe you will sigh in relief knowing that you'll never have to put up with my 'disrespect' or my 'bitch attitude'.
This is what I wanted to say when I told you I hated myself. I guess you'll never know.