Forever They Will Be Secrets To Me

The truth is.. I think about suicide almost every day sometimes multiple times a day... I just want to put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. But then i think of you and how you would feel.. I wonder if youd even shed a tear. I dont think you would. I wish i could let everything go and just do it. Get it over with. Just fucking kill myself already. I want to but i cant stop thinking of you. Your the only thing keeping me here... When your gone ill be gone. Thats the truth and it will always be that way. If you were to pick up and leave i would pull the trigger. Buit while your here i cant. Its not like you would care anyway.. So why cant i do it? I dont know that answer. All i know is that i love you and you dont love me.. And that if you died i would die. And that if you had never been in my life i would probably already be dead. I thank you for that. But i also hate you.. Because yes, you made my life better but when you left me you also made it worse. I have to force myself out of bed each day. I cant stop thinking about how my life is nothing anymore. How you hurt me. How if i was gone no one would care. It would say "Local Suicide: Paige" And no one would even care. I think about that everyday. Yet i still cant pull the trigger. I want to so badly but i cant. I wish i could. I wish i could get out of this personal hell. I wish i could just leave and never look back again. Start over but since that isnt possible i want to die. I wish every night that someone would break in and shoot me. That id die instantly. But it never happens. Why cant my wishes come true. I surely hope that one day they do...