Status: Done
Contradictory Me
Chapter 1/1
The music pounded in her ears. The wall vibrated against her back with each thump of the bass. Silhouettes of the dancers, mostly girls, were on the ceiling and the floor. The orange streetlight shined in and helped light the room. Other than that the only light source were the two white strobe lights in front of the DJ.
Her cousin had brought her along, but it wasn't any fun. None of her friends were here. She followed around her cousin and her friends. They didn't mind. The DJ played only rap, dance, and hip-hop, possibly a pop song or two. She didn't like it at all.
Where were her favorite songs? Not there that was definite. Then again, who really danced to country. Of course, the DJ wouldn't play alternative. Although she knew quite a few people in the crowd would've liked that.
It made her sick how the girls dance. They would grind against each other. Those girls would dance with the boys like that too. All she would think to herself was, whores.
She couldn't do that. She thought it below her. Then again, if she did dance like that maybe she'd have a boyfriend by now. So sad, fifteen years of life, no boyfriend and never been kissed. She shook her head. She didn't need a man to make her happy...but it would be nice to have a guy.
She did wish that she be like that. Be one of those people wearing tight pants and a shirt that was lower cut. She wasn't like that though. She just stood to the side, away from the rainbow of skinny jean wearing teens and little kids. Away from the low cut shirts and people grinding on each other.
She just wanted to watch. Or maybe it was her way of facing reality.
She couldn't fit in with these kind of people. Not the way she was now. Not with her obsession with anime, not with the way she liked fictional characters more than real people, not with the way she would mumble her thoughts quietly to herself, and definitely not with the way thought.
Thoughts of death and murder covered her mind. She would have fun plotting all the dancers' deaths. It was much more fun to her when she found the ways the most innocent things lethal. She would never act on these thoughts of course. Just having them there cheered her a bit up.
But she didn't belong there and she knew it. She even said it herself. Reminding herself of that fact brought her mood back down to wear she wanted to cry. She would never cry in public though. She was much to proud for that and she didn't want the attention.
But...she did want attention. She contradicts herself very often. Wanting no eyes on her, but she wanting all eyes on her. No, she wanted all eyes on her when she imagined herself pretty. Skinny, a much smaller butt, slightly bigger breasts(she didn't want back problems). She wanted to wear prettier clothes, and have great hair days. But no she didn't want that.
She liked her style. She liked the baggy shirt that hid her gut and the jeans that helped hid her butt a little(at least she pretended). No she didn't like it at all, but she did. She hated the way her hair was so long, but refused to get it cut. Possibly because she could hid that behind that too. Why be such a contradiction? Why couldn't she just agree with herself?
Then she realized why that was. If she ever agreed with herself than she'd never have any goals. If contradicted herself then she could love and hate herself at the same time. If she hated herself than she could keep improving herself so she'd love herself more. It made sense to her and it didn't.
Not that it matters. All she does is watch people and copy things that she likes from them. That is what she hates most about herself. She copies people. She lies to herself and lives in an imaginary world where it's good to copy people. She refuses to grow up and her mentality will always be like this.
I should know since this she is me.
Her cousin had brought her along, but it wasn't any fun. None of her friends were here. She followed around her cousin and her friends. They didn't mind. The DJ played only rap, dance, and hip-hop, possibly a pop song or two. She didn't like it at all.
Where were her favorite songs? Not there that was definite. Then again, who really danced to country. Of course, the DJ wouldn't play alternative. Although she knew quite a few people in the crowd would've liked that.
It made her sick how the girls dance. They would grind against each other. Those girls would dance with the boys like that too. All she would think to herself was, whores.
She couldn't do that. She thought it below her. Then again, if she did dance like that maybe she'd have a boyfriend by now. So sad, fifteen years of life, no boyfriend and never been kissed. She shook her head. She didn't need a man to make her happy...but it would be nice to have a guy.
She did wish that she be like that. Be one of those people wearing tight pants and a shirt that was lower cut. She wasn't like that though. She just stood to the side, away from the rainbow of skinny jean wearing teens and little kids. Away from the low cut shirts and people grinding on each other.
She just wanted to watch. Or maybe it was her way of facing reality.
She couldn't fit in with these kind of people. Not the way she was now. Not with her obsession with anime, not with the way she liked fictional characters more than real people, not with the way she would mumble her thoughts quietly to herself, and definitely not with the way thought.
Thoughts of death and murder covered her mind. She would have fun plotting all the dancers' deaths. It was much more fun to her when she found the ways the most innocent things lethal. She would never act on these thoughts of course. Just having them there cheered her a bit up.
But she didn't belong there and she knew it. She even said it herself. Reminding herself of that fact brought her mood back down to wear she wanted to cry. She would never cry in public though. She was much to proud for that and she didn't want the attention.
But...she did want attention. She contradicts herself very often. Wanting no eyes on her, but she wanting all eyes on her. No, she wanted all eyes on her when she imagined herself pretty. Skinny, a much smaller butt, slightly bigger breasts(she didn't want back problems). She wanted to wear prettier clothes, and have great hair days. But no she didn't want that.
She liked her style. She liked the baggy shirt that hid her gut and the jeans that helped hid her butt a little(at least she pretended). No she didn't like it at all, but she did. She hated the way her hair was so long, but refused to get it cut. Possibly because she could hid that behind that too. Why be such a contradiction? Why couldn't she just agree with herself?
Then she realized why that was. If she ever agreed with herself than she'd never have any goals. If contradicted herself then she could love and hate herself at the same time. If she hated herself than she could keep improving herself so she'd love herself more. It made sense to her and it didn't.
Not that it matters. All she does is watch people and copy things that she likes from them. That is what she hates most about herself. She copies people. She lies to herself and lives in an imaginary world where it's good to copy people. She refuses to grow up and her mentality will always be like this.
I should know since this she is me.