Sure to Shine

Adam lay in his bedroom, stretched out on his bed, arms folded behind his head, looking up at the ceiling of his room. He had spent a lot of time staring at that ceiling over the past week and a half or so. He had noticed some things as he had wasted hours just thinking. There was a small spider living in his room, which made webs in every single corner. When someone closed the door of the bathroom, which was next to his bedroom, the lampshade swung slightly from side to side. There was a thin crack in the roof that Adam could swear had grown.

The room was totally silent at the moment. The only sound was of the small clock ticking away beside him. Fifty-nine little ticks, and then a louder one as the minute hand clicked over. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gotten up. He had sat up yesterday morning, when his mother had told him that Eric had tried to commit suicide, but once he had gathered that Eric was alive and well on the road to recovering, he had resumed his position, lying on his back, staring.

He couldn’t really tell when the days ended and began again. His curtains were drawn closed, and they were heavy curtains. In the day, the room got a little brighter, but Adam didn’t pay much attention. He thought about a lot of things, in no particular order. He thought about the day of the shooting, obviously. It played over and over again in his mind on a continuous loop, tormenting him constantly. And there were all the thoughts that came with it. Could he have seen it coming? Should he have said something sooner? Should he have done more to stop his friend? He seemed to have snapped out of it when he had heard his name, and Adam wondered why he hadn’t just screamed Eric’s name as soon at the other young man had entered the assembly hall that day. He could have ended it all before it even began. Adam cursed hindsight. It was meant to be a wonderful thing, but Adam bitterly disagreed.

There was a soft knock on the door then, and as it cracked open, Adam’s parents came into the room. He acknowledged them with a slight glance, but didn’t bother with any other action. His mother, Melanie, gently sat down on the bed beside him, while his father, Frank, opted to sit at Adam’s desk. It still had abandoned schoolwork littered all over it. Adam hadn’t looked at it since he had thrown some random papers into his bag on the morning of the shooting, hoping that amongst all of the miscellaneous sheets he would have managed to grab something useful.

Adam remained silent, wondering privately if it was more bad news about Eric. However, he quickly realised that this conversation was going to be a little more personal.

"How are you doing today, Adam?" Melanie asked her son quietly, and Adam gave a non-committal shrug.

"I’m OK," he muttered, after his parents watched him for a while. "Just tired, that’s all."

"You’ve been here for an awful long time, son," Frank said. "Your mother and I are getting worried about you."

"Well, where else am I supposed to go?" Adam snapped. "I turn on the news and that’s all that’s on. I go outside and the whole damn area has a vendetta against me. You know what they all think about me. They think I was in on it. I can’t go anywhere without someone doing a double-take and crossing the street to avoid me."

"I know, sweetheart," Melanie said softly. "t must be so difficult for you. But you know that they don’t truly mean it. Until ... until they can blame Eric personally, unfortunately all of his friends are going to bear the brunt of it. His parents are getting the same treatment."

"They don’t like me because I don’t blame Eric," Adam said quietly. "It wasn’t him doing it, mom! He’s not right in the head; he didn’t know what he was doing. The Eric I was best friends with would never harm anyone. Sure, he got annoyed now and again, but he was never the sort to threaten violence or anything like that. He didn’t do it. I don’t really understand what happened to him, but I know that he didn’t do it on purpose."

"You’ll have your chance, Adam," Frank told his son, trying to give him a little hope. "When the trial and everything comes up, you’ll be able to tell them everything. You’ll be able to say what you noticed and what you thought, and you’re going to be one of the most trustworthy witnesses considering how long you’ve known him."

"But have I known him?" Adam asked bluntly, and there was a long and slightly awkward pause before Adam spoke up again. "I thought I did, you know? But something like this doesn’t occur overnight. How can someone so average go so insane so quickly? This must have been bubbling under the surface for years and years. I mean, he was shaken when his parents split, but I always thought he took it pretty well. For all I know this could have started then. But I just don’t know what to think. I know they’re going to ask me what I think triggered it and I don’t know. What would make Eric walk into school with a gun? He never had a problem with anyone there. I mean, there were people he didn’t gel with, but he would just be civil to them. He’s never go out of his way to annoy them or antagonize them, and they would do the same. Half the time, Eric would end up becoming friends with them. I just don’t get where all of this came from!"

Adam was getting annoyed. It was all so unfair. A few weeks ago, he had been a normal senior at a normal school doing normal things and panicking over normal finals. Now, he was too scared to leave the house because of the judgement of the rest of the area, he was going to court to speak at his best friend’s insanity trial, and he had witnessed people being killed and horrifically injured. It still felt like a bad dream. Lying in this room felt like lying somewhere when he was drunk – dizzy, not real at all. He wished he could just close his eyes and sleep this off, but he knew that there was no chance of that.

"Adam," Melanie said suddenly, glancing at her husband as though for support. "You father and I have been discussing, and, well. You know that we’ve been very worried about you. We can’t expect you to come through something like this without it having profound effects on you. We’re not going to pretend to understand what you’re going through, but we know it must be the most difficult thing you’ve encountered."

"Thanks," Adam said, and he was sincere, because he liked the fact that his parents admitted that they didn’t know what he was going through. Adam hadn’t wanted them to pretend that they knew what it was like. They were trying their best, but he knew they were probably just as confused as he was. He knew it was difficult for them as well. Not only were they watching their own boy sputtering on the edge of a breakdown, but they were also trying to come to terms with the actions of another young man who they had watched grow up. Eric was like another son to Adam’s parents, and Adam knew Eric’s parents felt the same way about him.

There was a thoughtful pause, and then Frank spoke. Adam always knew that when his father took over, there was going to be some sort of revelation.

"Adam, your mother and I were thinking that it may be a good idea for you to perhaps go and talk to a professional," Frank said slowly. Adam wasn’t surprised. He had been suspecting something like this was on the way. "We don’t mean this in an offensive way. We don’t think you’re weak, and we’re not trying to put your problems onto someone else. We’re just worried about you, and we’re trying to do the right thing. We don’t want you to force yourself to function again and end up having a breakdown somewhere else along the line. A professional will know how to deal with it, and they’ll know how to help you. Perhaps you’ll feel more comfortable with someone who’s not directly involved, you might be able to admit things to them that you wouldn’t feel happy admitting to your mom or I. Obviously, we just wanted to talk things through with you before we made any set plans."

Adam paused before he answered. There was still no real emotion to his voice.

"It can’t hurt," he muttered. "I’m sure I won’t be the only one."

"I’m pretty positive that you won’t be the only one," Melanie said quietly. "I’m sure it’ll be helpful in the long run. We’re just frightened. We don’t want this taking you over completely. Obviously you won’t get over it overnight. You probably won’t ever get over it fully. But you can learn to deal with it without it ruining everything for you."

"I know what you mean," Adam replied. "But there’s one thing that I’m never going to change."

"And what’s that?"

"Eric’s still my friend. I’m not going to abandon him just because people have some messed up picture of him. You hear what they’ve been saying? That he’s lying to get out of what he’s done? No one who saw the look on his face that day would say that. Poor kid, he looked like a lost puppy."

Adam’s eyes took on a brief, faraway look, before he gave himself a mental shake and brought himself back to the present.

"I’ll visit him," he said eventually. "I want him to know that he still has someone who appreciates the fact that he’s not in his right mind."

"You know him better than most, Adam," Frank told his son. "Your mom and I aren’t going to be angry or annoyed or nervous. You’ve never been one to let other people’s opinions stop you, anyway."

Adam managed a small smile.

"You try to get a decent sleep tonight, yeah?" Melanie asked her son, gently stroking his hair. "You’ve got a busy few days coming up, what with the trial."

"I’ll try," Adam told her, but he knew he had been trying every night. Sleep just wouldn’t come easily to him anymore. Every single time he closed his eyes and began to drift off, he was back in that school, hearing gunshots behinds him and seeing Eric killing that young boy in the library.

After his parents left him to try to rest, Adam lay there once more, looking at the ceiling, wondering what it would be like to see Eric again for the first time since everything had happened. At about one o’clock in the morning, he gave up trying to sleep, and crept to the kitchen to make a big pot of coffee. It was something he was rather used to by now.