Sure to Shine

Eric sat on his bed, his knees brought up under his chin, his arms wrapped around his legs, staring at the empty bed opposite him. He was feeling rather calm, considering the fact that a few days ago he had discovered that this hospital was going to be his home for the foreseeable future, until he was deemed fit for society again. With the outrage that had been caused because of his actions, Eric didn’t reckon that talk of his release would be met without opposition.

It was weird, being certified insane. In a way, it was a relief to know that he hadn’t been in charge of his actions. It didn’t lessen his guilt much, but it took the edge off of it. He had someone to blame when everyone else was blaming him. Of course, Skylar hadn’t appeared since Eric had spoken to him in front of the nurses, but sometimes, Eric got the stirring feeling in the back of his head that he had come to associate with Skylar.

There wasn’t really much to do. They were woken up, got breakfast, hung around, got lunch, hung around, got tea, hung around, had supper, then went to bed. Eric didn’t really mind, though. After the past few months of total insanity, Eric found it rather comforting to have a little bit of normality, a set routine that finally made him feel secure. He was wary of Skylar making another appearance, but not as worried as he usually was. He didn’t even feel bored, if he were honest. He usually spent most of the day writing or chilling in the TV room, and as everyone was really in the same boat, he didn’t meet with much bad feeling.

Eric was considering having a wander to see if there were any decent books to read down on the bookshelf when there was a slightly nervous knock on the ward door. Eric wasn’t expecting Adam to then open the door and slip in. The last time he had seen his best friend was in court, and Eric hadn’t expected Adam to want anything more to do with him after what he had done. Adam must have noticed the shock that Eric knew had flashed across his face, because he gave a small, lop-sided grin. The sight of Adam’s familiar grin struck a chord with Eric, and suddenly he found himself laughing and practically crying at the same time. Adam laughed as well, and before Eric knew it, he had jumped up and hugged Adam with all of his strength.

"I can’t believe you’ve shown up," Eric told him, when he finally let him go. Adam couldn’t help but smile at the look of sincere happiness on his friend’s face.

"You can’t get rid of me that easily, Eric," he shrugged, and Eric laughed again. He sounded like himself when he laughed. It had lost that manic undertone to it, and this fact comforted Adam greatly.

"I thought you’d want rid of me after all the shit I put you through," Eric said quietly, as they both sat down. "I mean, you must be getting a lot of stick."

"Not so bad now," Adam shrugged. "I guess people finally realise what I was saying the whole time. Anyway, what about you? How are you getting on?"

"So so," Eric shrugged. "I mean, there’s only a certain amount of normal I can feel. I’m still totally freaked out, and it’s horrible. I mean ... how can you do something like that and not even realise? It just makes no sense."

"Have they tried explaining it to you?"

"Well, most of my understanding, believe it or not, came from Skylar," Eric replied. He was always wary mentioning Skylar. It usually got mixed reactions, be it shock, scepticism, interest or horror. However, Adam displayed none of these, and instead continued to listen calmly. "It’s a pretty long story."

"I’ve got time," Adam smiled, and Eric gave a small laugh.

"Well," he began, wondering where to begin explaining something even he hadn’t got his head around yet. "From what I’ve gathered, it’s mostly about repressed emotions and desires and stuff like that. I mean, I don’t remember feeling anything like what Skylar told me, but that’s because I put it all to him. It’s really weird to explain ... it’s like, say you’re pissed off with someone, right?"

"Right."

"But you don’t want to be. Perhaps it’s a girlfriend or a close friend or a parent or something, someone you’d feel guilty about having negative feeling for. I’m kinda dumbing this down to make it easier to explain. So you try to repress it, and you try to forget about it. But, say that you can’t, because you got screwed over really bad. Obviously you’d have to feel really strongly for this to happen. It’s a self-defence mechanism. The feelings that you don’t want to be experiencing are projected to an unconscious part of your brain. If it gets too much body to it, or more things build up, something can snap, and you develop what’s basically another personality. This personality takes all the feelings that your consciousness doesn’t want to feel."

"So, it’s basically like a store for negative emotions?" Adam asked, frowning thoughtfully.

"Yeah, basically. Obviously, it can’t be as simple as the example I just gave. It would have to be something huge. Say, well, sorry, I don’t want to worry you, but this is the only example I can think of," Eric said apologetically. "Say someone went through something like you did. But instead of someone they didn’t know, they saw their best friend killed, or perhaps a parent, someone they really loved. The brain might store all those horrific emotions away somewhere as a way of protecting the mind, and another personality could arise from that."

"I think I get it," Adam said quietly. "So why was yours so strong? I mean, you saw a completely separate person, right?"

"Yeah," Eric grimaced. "I didn’t realise for ages. He was so solid, like how you are. I could touch him and hear him and I remember at one point, when he whispered into my ear, I felt his breath against me. It was so freaky. I mean, how do you know what’s real after that?"

"I guess you can’t really tell," Adam admitted. "It must have been terrible. But why could you see him? I thought alter-egos and things like that, I thought they stayed in your head. Like, you’d just switch and not realise. I didn’t think you could see them as other people."

"According to Skylar, the feelings got so strong that my brain couldn’t cope with them," Eric explained. "So, in an effort to understand what the Hell was going on, I projected them into something that I could understand. In this case, an angry, psychopathic little bastard."

Eric glared at nothing in particular for a few moments, before sighing.

"So the whole thing came from your head?" Adam asked, and Eric nodded. They fell silent for a while, both of them still trying to make sense of it all.

"It’s strange, isn’t it?" Eric eventually asked, ever so quietly. "I mean, the human brain can actually do something like that. I created a whole new person, who looked just as real and as solid as anyone else. And he never even existed. At all. It’s just so strange. I can’t believe all the things I managed to do without even realising. I had a fake driver’s license, I managed to steal from my father and not know, I brought guns, I crashed my own car, I taught myself to fire the damn guns, I taught myself all these strange lessons that I’d always known but never realised. It’s madness."

"It’s certainly interesting, in a creepy way," Adam agreed. "So, can it be cured? You’ll be all right?"

"Yeah. I’m being looked at by many people, though. I’m an interesting case, apparently. But hopefully, with therapy and medication, I should get over it. Of course, there will probably always be a danger of it happening again, but they won’t release me until they’re absolutely certain that I’ll either recognise the signs before things get too bad and get help, or that I’ll be able to deal with it by myself."

"And how long will that be?"

Eric sighed.

"Years, probably," he sighed. "But then, I can’t really complain. Nothing excuses the fact that I killed fourteen people."

Adam saw his friend’s eyes fill up with tears, and he tactfully looked away so Eric could disguise the fact. However, when he looked back, he saw that Eric hadn’t bothered. He was looking at his lap, tears dripping down from his face and landing on his hands. It wasn’t like Eric to cry, let alone in front of other people.

"Eric," Adam said gently. "I know what you did was terrible. But you can’t take all of the blame. You’re not right in the head at the moment. And try to think about everything, not just the event. Didn’t you try to stop him? You said that you did."

Eric nodded.

"I was fighting myself the whole time," he whispered. "I tried so hard to stop him. I tried to talk him out of it, I tried to threaten him ... I even tried to stop him with force. At one point, I even threatened to shoot him, even though I knew at that point I’d be killing myself. I never for one second wanted to go along with what he wanted to do."

"See? You’re not a bad person at heart, Eric. Anyone who blames you totally for what you did obviously isn’t that well informed."

"I can understand where they’re coming from, though," Eric admitted. "I mean, I’m a murderer. Some of those kids were only fourteen, and I killed them. I just can’t believe that I never saw it coming. I’m just so damn sorry for the whole thing."

"At least you’re sorry," Adam said softly. "Many people wouldn’t be. Skylar wouldn’t be, would he?"

"Hell no," Eric glared.

"See. Even if he is a part of you, you’re not him. You have a conscience, you care about people, you feel bad and you feel guilty and you love people. He doesn’t. You’re the better person, and the fact that you are sorry proves that, man."

"I just wish I could go back to that day with the knowledge I had now," Eric sighed. "I would know he was me, so I would have called his bluff when he threatened to kill me. If he had, it would have just looked like a tragic suicide. I know I would hurt you guys, but to be fairly honest, and no offence ... I would have rather have taken my own life than all of theirs."

"That’s perfectly understandable," Adam said gently, and Eric sighed. "But man, I’m glad you’re still here. You’re still my best friend, and I’m here for you no matter what, yeah? I’ve got to take you as you are, good and bad."

Eric managed a smile.

"Thanks, man," he said, sincerely. "I’m not going to let this beat me. The best thing I can do is make a better person of myself. I can try to give back what I’ve taken. I can help people, once I get better."

"Sounds like a plan to me," Adam smiled, and Eric managed a small laugh.

"It’s probably my first decent plan in weeks," he admitted. "We’ll just have to see. I mean, I don’t want to get out of here before I’m ready. I don’t want to go through anything like this, ever again."