When It's Wrong, When It's Right

“I didn’t, I didn’t mean to, though,” I stuttered, choking out the words while I slowly gravitated out of John’s arms. I wiped my eyes, hoping that maybe if I rubbed hard enough, the guilt I found myself dealing with would just wipe away.

It didn’t work like that, though.

Finding out that someone you had been so close with for so many years ended their own life just hours after laying on the same floor with them certainly made it hard for me to want to continue breathing myself. This was so much to deal with. So much to take in. I had just been talking to Hailey hours ago, laying on the floor wishing I didn’t have to deal with her complaints anymore. Well, I will never have to deal with another one of her complaints again. Ever.

Not for the rest of my life.

John just looked at me, his eyes suddenly so dull now, most likely from the waves of depression I was radiating. Here I was, home alone after blowing up at my once-best friend in only three words, left to deal with the damage I had single-handedly created. I didn’t know how to deal with this. I didn’t think there was even a way to.

The only logical thing I had come up with was getting out of here as fast as I could.

Fight or flight.

“She was over at my house earlier today,” I began, drawing in a shaky breath. “And she was bitching about everything she normally does, all the shit I hate hearing about. She just wouldn’t shut up about it, not like she ever knows… uh, I mean, knew when to close her mouth. And when I was trying to get her to leave she told me… she told me how sometimes she just wanted to end it all. So I said ‘Then do it.’”

I coughed, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes as I leaned up against the island in the kitchen. Suddenly the house felt so big and empty. Even with John right in front of me I felt as though I was the only person on the planet right now.

“So… she’s been thinking about it for a while now then?” he asked quietly, not letting his eyes meet my own. I opted to search around the ceiling for I’m not quite sure what, but it was better than forcing to look at John with eyes that were surely judging me right now.

“I guess so.”

“Well then maybe, maybe you didn’t have anything to do with this. I’m not gonna lie, that was really fucked up for you to say that--”

“I know, John. I know. I wasn’t thinking. I don’t even know why I would say that, but I was just so sick and tired of her complaints… I just stopped thinking and spoke.”

He just ignored my interruption, seeming to hardly take into consideration what I had said. “So maybe she was going to do this anyways.”

“But I told her to, John. I turned off that brain-to-mouth filter for just one minute, and I pushed her over the edge. She wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t said anything. I know she wouldn’t have,” I said, my voice reduced to a whisper.

“You did not tell her to kill herself. You did not suggest that it was a good idea, or that it was even remotely acceptable. You did not go to her and say ‘you should commit suicide.’” His voice seemed to be frustrated, his body going rigid as he stood a few inches away from me.

I don’t know if he was trying to console me about this, but no matter what, the three words I said to her were just as good as directly telling her to commit suicide. It had the same effect. She was dead. Gone. I would never see her, talk to her, get sick of her again.

And somehow I just wish that maybe I could have thought a little more. Maybe I could have just kept my mouth shut like I always did around her. There were not many other times I had kept my mouth shut with other cases, but with Hailey, I knew better. I knew better than to say anything, because I knew the second I decided to let the words out, they would ruin everything. They would be words of hate and pain and disgust with how long I had been putting up with her.

Those words were words of pain and hate and disgust. Those words were what I had been feeling, taking shape from my anger; they spawned from the evil thoughts in my head that just wanted Hailey out of my life.

It didn’t feel as good as I thought it would to be relieved of her.

She was my best friend. No matter how bad we could fight, no matter how sick I could get of her complaints, I would have never wished this. I would have never even dreamt of an end like this to our friendship. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

We were supposed to graduate high school in just weeks. We’d spend a painful summer together, which would include me putting up with her for three months before she went to ASU and I shipped off to a school in California. I wanted the distance between us. I knew that any distance would strain our relationship, eventually strangling it to death. A slow, painful death of our friendship.

It would have been easier than this kind of end. The end that resulted in the death of my best friend, taking our tumultuous friendship with her.

“You have no idea how this feels though,” I whispered, looking up at John. His hair was in his face and his green eyes suddenly looked so red and strained.

“I know,” he said slowly. I watched as he scooted closer again to me, placing a hand on my arm. “I hope to never know what it feels like to lose such a close friend to something like that. I want to help you get through this though.”

“You can help by taking me to the airport,” I muttered.

He scoffed in annoyance. “Veronica, it is like, one in the morning. Where the hell are you going to catch a flight to?!”

“Anywhere.”

“No. No, I will not take you.”

“Please?” I begged, my voice so pathetic and weak that even I myself couldn’t handle it.

“Why? Why do you think that leaving in the middle of the night with no warning to anyone would be a good idea?” he asked gruffly, his voice rough and sobering.

“I don’t know… I’d call my parents once I’d arrived somewhere. I have quite a bit in savings just waiting for me. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to have anyone to spend it all with over the summer now.” I played with my hands, finding them much more interesting and less scary than making eye contact with John.

“But you can’t, you can’t just leave, V. Not when you’re so close to graduating. You’ve got so much ahead of you!”

“Hailey was just as close to graduating. Obviously she couldn’t wait.”

“Don’t even think that that is okay to say,” he said, his voice stern. I don’t know why he was doing this. All I had asked for was a ride to the airport. He was my bailout, not my best friend all of a sudden. He didn’t need to counsel me and try to make me feel better. I wasn’t asking that of him.

I didn’t expect that.

“You know what, I just need a goddamn ride to the airport. That’s all. I don’t need your words or your thoughts or your comfort. I don’t need you to try and be big brother right now and convince me not to do this. I asked for one thing, and that is a ride.”

It was silent for a few minutes while my chest heaved up and down. I forced myself to look up at John, his eyes boring into mine.

“No.”

I rolled my eyes. “What do you mean, no?”

“I mean I’m not giving you a ride,” he said. He crossed his arms, still inches away from me. If he was going to get mad at me right now, I couldn’t even think about what I would do. My brain was such a mess as it was.

“Just give me a ride, John. It’s only an hour or something away. You can drop me off, and you’ll never even see me again. That’s all I’m asking for, is some fucking transportation. I could call a taxi, if you really aren’t willing to drive me.”

I crossed my arms as well, getting ready to pick up the phone.

“I just hope you know that I will likely be safer if you gave me a ride, rather than me catching a ride in a sketchy cab after midnight,” I taunted. Even if my mind was fucked as hell right now, I knew how to fight for what I wanted.

“Do you know why I bailed you out all those times you used to get into trouble?” he asked, his voice soft while his arms were still crossed sternly.

“No.”

“Because I knew if I didn’t, you’d go looking for some other way to get yourself out of trouble. And that probably would have ended with you getting in worse trouble than you started in.”

“Okay,” I said, prompting him to continue.

“I did it because I cared about you. I didn’t want you to get hurt or get caught. I just wanted to protect you,” he said, uncrossing his arms and running his fingers through his hair. He sighed, drawing in a deep breath. “And I’m just trying to protect you now, because I care. I know that if I let you go, you’re going to go and likely get yourself in worse trouble than you’re already in now.”

I just stood there, looking at him dumbly. My lips pressed into a hard, straight line. My chin was quivering, I couldn’t even fight to control it anymore. I needed another cigarette.

“I don’t care though,” I said, my voice wavering. “I just… don’t. I don’t care what happens to me after this.”

“But how can you not!?” he said, his voice raising and his hands raising into the air. “Because the friend you’ve been growing sick of lately decided she had too many issues to continue living? Yes, that is terrible, Veronica. But you can’t leave just because of that. You can’t leave everyone behind to wonder where you are, or what happened to you.”

“I’ll leave a note…” I trailed, my voice growing hoarse.

“You’re graduating in a matter of days, V. You can’t possibly wait until the summer rolls around to skip town?” His eyes were starting to dull, bored with my antics and fearful that I just might pick up the phone and call a taxi. Leave forever.

“Do you know what it’s going to be like when I show up at school on Monday… and Hailey isn’t there? When teachers have to make the announcement in first period that our school has lost a student, especially when everyone knows me and Hailey were best friends? Do you know how painful that is going to be?” My voice was raising steadily, angry at Hailey for committing the act, and of course angry at myself for saying those three tiny words. “Do you know what it’s going to be like when I know that I told her to do this?”

I drew in a shaky breath, trying to steady myself to the best of my abilities. No, just leaving like this in the middle of the night while my parents were out of town made absolutely no logical sense. But somehow sticking around for just another nine days was going to be too much to handle. Those final classes, the night of graduation, the grad parties. All of it was going to be happening without Hailey, and for the past four years of high school we had never pictured it any other way than the two of us doing it together.

John just looked at me blankly, probably at a loss for words. I didn’t blame him for not saying anything. There wasn’t really anything to say.

Only thoughts to cloud your head and drive you crazy. So crazy in such a short amount of time that the only logical thought in your mind was jetting off to some other city in order to get away from it all. Because when a mind is in chaos it believes that physically escaping from the situation must mean you will mentally escape from it as well.

“Go pack your bag,” John said.