Walls

Alexander Gaskarth pretends I don't exist. He doesn't know my name, so I guess it's not too hard to believe. We only have one class together so it's not like he has to ignore me all the time, only when we pass in the hall or get stuck sitting next to each other in assembly. It's all because of that one day in the hall during freshman year. I was on my way to the bathroom. I was minding my own business. Alexander Gaskarth was sitting on the floor, leaning against his locker, with his head in his hands.

He was only in one of my classes that year too. He was a nice guy. He was crying in the middle of the hallway. I could've ignored him. I could've walked past him. But what kind of person would I be if I did? I sat down next to him. He looked at me curiously with teary brown eyes and I bit my lip.

"You okay?" I asked softly.

"Does it look like I'm okay?" Alex snapped in a voice hoarse from crying.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have bothered you," I hissed as I started to get up.

"Wait, don't go," he begged, desperation in his voice. He did not want to be alone. "I'm sorry. I just ... I can't be here right now. Do you wanna ditch with me?"

"Okay," I nodded; I'd do just about anything to get out of geometry.

Alex and I walked to the parking lot in silence. I followed him to his car which, if you were wondering, was a hunk of junk '94 Toyota Camry that probably had a million miles on it. He stood at the door for a minute before tossing me the keys. His eyes were still glossy with tears he refused to let fall and it was silently understood between the two of us that he was in no condition to drive.

"Where do you want to go?" I asked.

Alex shrugged, a few tears spilling down his cheeks as he did so. He wiped them away as fast as he could with the sleeve of his hoodie. He obviously wasn't going to tell me what he wanted to do so I decided on my own. The dunes by the beach were my safe haven. I'd go there whenever I was upset or just wanted a quiet place to think. It was only a block away from my house. I hoped the salty sea breeze would calm Alex as much as it calmed me. He opened the door just as I put the car into park and walked a few feet before plopping down in the sand. He put his head in his hands again, like he had in the hallway, and stifled a couple of sobs.

"What happened?" I asked, unsure if he would answer or not.

"My brother killed himself," Alex mumbled, "and the school secretary just walked into my English class and dropped a note on my desk. A fucking note! Stupid bitch should've at least told me in person."

"I'm so sorry," I offered lamely; I didn't know what else to say.

"Waiting to say 'I miss you, I'm so sorry,'" Alex hummed softly.

"What?" I asked, barely able to hear him.

"Nothing," he shook his head, "I was just thinking out loud."

"Oh," was all I could think of.

"I told him I hated him," Alex blurted, "We got into a huge fight and I told him I hated him and then he killed himself."

"He knows you didn't mean it," I said reassuringly.

Alex looked at me as if I was crazy. "Did you miss the part where I said he fucking killed himself?" he screamed through a fresh onslaught of tears.

"It's not your fault," I told him, "There was probably a lot going on that you didn't know about. He didn't kill himself because you said you hated him. Siblings fight like that all the time."

"I don't give a shit about whatever else was going on. The last thing I ever said to my brother was 'I hate you,'" he choked out.

Alex's face was streaked and stained with tears and they weren't even done falling. I let him slump on to my shoulder and cry until he couldn't anymore. We'd been going to school together since kindergarten (although I wasn't sure if he knew that) and I'd never once seen Alex cry. He was always calm and confident. He laughed with his friends and played football at recess but he never cried. And now he was sobbing all over my shoulder. It was understandable, he'd just lost his brother, but it surprised me.

After a while, he calmed down enough to want to go home. He wanted to see his parents. Alex assured me he was fine to drive and I assured him that I could walk home. He gave me a weak smile, thanked me for putting up with him, and asked for my name. I had just opened my mouth to speak when his cell phone started blowing up with some random Blink 182 ring tone. He picked it up and started talking a mile a minute to whoever was on the other end, closed his door, and drove away.

He didn't come to school for a week after that. When he did, it was as if nothing had happened. I wondered if he'd even told his friends that his brother was dead because they weren't asking if he was okay or anything. And he was laughing and smiling like always. The only difference was that Lisa Ruocco was hanging all over him. I tried to ask how he was doing at lunch but it didn't go over so well.

Alex gave me the same Are you crazy? look he'd given me on the beach. He pretended he'd never met me before and made me look a fool in front of all his friends. Lisa cackled like a witch when my cheeks reddened with embarrassment. Alex laughed with her and I don't know if I'll ever fully forgive him for that. I was there for him when he (literally) needed a shoulder to cry on and when I tried to be nice and see how he was doing, he pretended it never happened. Don't get me wrong, I felt bad about his brother, but that didn't make his behavior okay.

He pretended I didn't exist for the remainder of the year. And all through sophomore year he did the same thing. He completely ignored me. The one time that Mrs. Heark made us partners for a project, Alex got her to switch us. He always pulling crap like that. Alex could get away with murder in Mrs. Heark’s class. In the spring of junior year, I found out why. I found Alex on the dunes, exactly where I took him after his brother died, and he told me all about it. Don’t get your hopes up though; he still ignored me at school. He still didn’t know my name.